This Week’s MVP
Yet another episode sans-Mona, and the Liars are all getting their asses handed to them, either by A.D. or their own consciences or their current and/or former bed buddies. So I'm going to go where no recapper has gone before and give the MVP award to Toby for getting himself and Yvonne out Rosewood. But with one caveat, which is that it was a real asshole move to tell Spencer he was building the house for her. Just leave, bro. Don't twist the knife.
This Week’s LVP
Aria gets our LVP award for giving in to Ezra's whims and agreeing to skip town to elope in Tuscany even though she CLEARLY was not feeling that idea and had literal tears in her eyes at the thought of getting married without her friends and family. She was also the only Liar absent from secret storm cellar not-so-happy hour.
Biggest Shock/Best Surprise
There was actually a parental appearance in this episode! I recognize that the Liars being post-college age means that parents are no longer fixtures in their lives, but they're currently all living at home, or in their parents' backyards, or hanging out/creeping around their parents' places of employment. I was starting to get concerned that the Liar moms had gotten wine-drunk and locked themselves in the DiLaurentis basement again.
I think Jessica having an A-Lair was supposed to shock us but, like, LOL. No. At least 2/3 of the population of Rosewood probably has an A-Lair.
Most Questionable Liar Outfit
Spencer was hardcore vibing both Wednesday Addams and Hermione Granger this week, which is like Spencer’s personality in costume form so I guess I can’t be mad at it.
PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
Aria answered Ezra’s phone when a call from his probably dead ex-girlfriend’s number came through, but decided it wasn’t worth mentioning to him. Jenna came back to town, shacked up with Shower Harvey, and started hanging with Noel Kahn again. Ezra proposed to Aria and she, inexplicably, said yes. And Shower Harvey was found way murdered in the shower at The Radley and the PLL fandom was not happy about it.
Liars Summit, Brunch Edish
At brunch, Spencer hands out FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS to all of the Liars. JK, they’re actually gold necklaces, but they’re basically friendship bracelets because she tells them they’re her (crazy dysfunctional) family. This sweet moment is interrupted by – dum dummm DUMMM – the cops showing up. The Liars are super nervous that they’re finally going to have to fess up to the approx. six million crimes they’ve committed over the years. But alas! The cops are actually there because they’ve found Shower’s body. Across the lobby, Jenna’s crying, which prompts the Liars to make the first of many mean-spirited comments about THE GIRL THEY BLINDED. Emily remembers there was a file on Jenna's computer labeled “Charlotte DiLaurentis” so, obvy, they need to steal the laptop.
“Ohhhh, Riggins come to Rosewood?” – my husband Aaron
At the DiLaurentis house, Mary and Alison are painting over the message her attacker painted on the wall when the front door opens. Jason’s home! Turns out he’s been stuck in a tomb in Jerusalem for like 2000 years and now he’s ready to cast some demons out of this murderous town. First up: Mary Drake. He presents a court order naming him Alison’s caretaker and tells her to GTFO. Alison ain't having it. “Um, remember when you and dad abandoned me after I was missing and suspected dead and then in prison and then tortured by my husband and also kidnapped?” She reminds him that Mary was the only one there to get her out of NuRadley, and she’s only a smidge villainous, so he needs to accept her as part of Ali’s life now.
The Week Emily’s Plotline Slows to a Complete Stop
It’s Mama Fields’ birthday, and Emily has planned a sort of half-assed party in which Pam joins Emily for dinner at the Radley, where Emily works…while she is working. It’s the ultimate “I forgot your birthday and I’m bullshitting here” move, but Pam seems happy enough to comply. At least, until a couple of brides-to-be and their friends roll up in there for a very rowdy bachelorette party. At first, Pam is very much not into it, but when the brides send over a couple of pink drinks and a tiara with an apology note, she ends up joining them and having the time of her life. She’s dancing and making book club plans and this is ~*~pretty much~*~ Emily’s entire story this week
Aria and Ezra in Their Only Little World and Also Apparently Time Warp
It’s been exactly 36 minutes since Aria and Ezra got engaged, but she’s already choosing which dolls she’ll use for wedding decor. For once, Ezra and I have something in common (kill me) because he thinks this is all moving a little quickly. He’d actually prefer they get out of Rosewood ASAP (ugh, two things in common double kill me) and elope to Tuscany instead. And when he says get out of Rosewood, he means, like, immediately. Aria seems a little freaked out by the idea of not having her family or friends there when she marries her former stalker. But if Ezra is good at anything, it’s coercing Aria, so despite her concerns that skipping town would seem suspicious in the wake of Sara Harvey’s murder, she tells him she’ll think about it.
She gets a text from Jason then, asking to meet up. He shows up in all his Jesus-y glory and skips straight to flirting with her. The following amazing TOTALLY REAL NOT MADE UP convo ensues:
Jason: You look great.
Aria: I’m engaged.
Jason: To Liam?
Aria: To Ezra.
Aria: You didn’t tell anyone about us, right?
So yeah, apparently sometime in the time jump, Aria and Jason hooked up? Or are they referring to whatever went down between them in season 2ish? Either way, Jason and Aria have more chemistry than Aria and Ezra ever did, IMO. Jason changes the subject, asking for her help in getting Ali to come to her senses re: Mary Drake. With Mary’s help, Elliott basically cleaned him out while he was helping children in Ethiopia (?okay?) but now he’s hired a forensic accountant to try to find his lost skrillas. He asks her to come to dinner with them that night in an attempt to stage a TWINtervention (God, I’m good).
Later that night, Aria and Ezra are packing for Tuscany and somehow she already has a dress THEY LITERALLY GOT ENGAGED YESTERDAY. Has Ezria somehow time-traveled ahead of the other Liars? Would that be all that surprising in a town like Rosewood, where time is merely a suggestion, rather than the law? There’s a knock on the door and ruh-roh! It’s the FBI. We all think he’s about to get got, but instead, they tell him they have reason to believe his ex-girlfriend Nicole is alive.
“Finally getting brought up on those statch charges or what?”- my husband
Which of Us Hasn’t Built Spencer a House Tho?
After Murder Brunch, Spencer sees Toby at the Brew. She knows Jenna was lying about coming back to Rosewood for his engagement, and Toby admits that she was probably looking for forgiveness. There’s a flashback to the Fourth of July, where Toby and Jenna are on family vacay at the cabin. Jenna admits she’s forgetting what things look like, so Toby pulls a Lionel Richie and lets her feel his face to remember…except then she tries to kiss him. ON FAMILY VACATION. When Toby recoils, Jenna’s like “What? You were def putting out that vibe tho right?” He runs away.
Spencer is shocked at this but before she can react, his cop radio starts a'buzzing, something about a home invasion? At his address? TBH I totally missed this part and the part where Spencer calls Hanna from the hospital, so all I gathered was that Yvonne was injured when someone broke into their AirStream to steal something. At the hospital, Toby tells Spencer that someone broke in to take Mary’s file from his police stuff. She attempts to convince him to get Yvonne the hell out of there. “No one’s ever really safe in Rosewood,” she says, to the collective “mmhmm honey” from everyone watching.
Later that night, Toby drops by Spencer’s to admit that he actually started building his house for her, but on his way to the hospital he realized Yvonne is his #1, so he’s taking her up to Maine to start a family there. Spencer seems shocked and sad, even though 1) she told him to do it and 2) they’ve been broken up for like five years and haven’t spent a whole lot of quality time together since she’s been back but WHATEVER. Toby says goodbye and leaves, hopefully forever, because if the writers try to pull a Spoby endgame situation I will breathe fire.
Farewell forever, Tobes. You were merely a prop for Troian to act around.
And So, We're Supposed to be Rooting For Haleb Again I Guess
Hanna steals her mom’s key to sneak into Jenna’s room at Radley in an attempt to find her laptop. The lockbox is under the bed, and as she tries to get into it, Caleb sneaks up behind her. Ashley has hired him to be hotel security (truly a Renaissance man, that one). She explains that she needs to get into the box, which gives him an ~*~idea~*~.
Apparently his harebrained scheme involves having the hotel comp a spa day for Jenna after the stress of Shower Harvey’s death, and CALEB is pretending to be her masseuse. In all the awful shit they’ve done to the blind girl on this show, this one might be tops. He cranks up the ambient zen music and starts digging through her purse, then gives the key to Hanna and Spencer, who are waiting in the hallway. They rush back up to her room and are about to open the lockbox when the door opens. From under the bed, they watch as someone stalks across the room, pulls the lockbox from under the bed, then drops Mary Drake’s file on the floor. They realize it’s Noel Kahn when he calls a doctor and gets all threatening and starts kicking stuff.
"At least until we make out which will inevitably be in the next couple of episodes."
Later, Hanna and Caleb meet up to go over Mary’s file and Caleb notices Hanna isn’t wearing her ring. She admits that she broke it off with Jordan and likens losing someone you love to losing a limb. Caleb promises that the Jordan thing will get better with time. “I’m not talking about him,” Hanna says.
Another Successful DiLaurentis Dinner Party On the Books
Wow guys, this DiLaurentis dinner party is liiiiiiiiiit! Jason and Aria are jumping on Alison, telling her she's being too trusting with Mary, and Jason is accusing Mary her of manipulating Alison in her fragile mental state or whatever. We get a flashback to Jessica and Mary fighting at Alison's Aunt Carol's house - Mary is distraught because she just found out Charles is dead, and Jessica is being a stone cold bitch about it and won't tell her anything about what happened to him. "You're not the victim here," Jessica says. "You gave birth but he was my son. Don't ever forget that." YIKES Then, Jessica locked herself in Carol's storm cellar until Mary left.
This information perks a few ears. Aunt Carol had a secret storm cellar? Anyone in Rosewood with any sort of secret underground space certainly hid something inside it, right? And when Liar Logic is applied to this scenario, whatever is in that secret storm cellar will certainly lead them to A.D., RIGHT? Yeah! Sure! Right! Whatever.
And so the Liars plus Ali but minus Aria (who is too busy eloping with her former high school teacher) head over to Aunt Carol's to poke around until they find this secret cellar. As it turns out, the thing is more lair than cellar, as it's filled with photos and files all about the Liars. All the Liars, that is, except Aria. Her file is missing. They find Mary's medical files and learn that Jessica was in charge of her medical care, and at one point even authorized electroshock therapy. Also, that Mary had a second child that would've been the Liars' age. The girls automatically assume this second child is probably trying to kill them because, let's be real, who isn't at this point.
Outside, the car alarm goes off. Spencer, who has been too distracted by her traumatic love life probably, left the keys in the car like a freaking AMATEUR, and now someone has stolen them. The only way to get the alarm to go off is if they all get in the car and close the doors. Except, of course, when they do this they get locked inside and the GPS starts counting down from 20. They're stuck there, and probably about to get blown up. Hanna asks Spencer if she has a jack or something they can use to break the windows and Spencer screams that she's really bad at car maintenance, which none of us buys even for a single second. But there's no explosion, just a message from A.D. "If you find out who I am before I find out who killed Charlotte, you die." Then the CELLAR blows up and someone writes "I see you" on the back windshield.
Apparently, A.D. stands for Captain Obvious.
Vague Villain Tag
Our villain is back in the room with all of Charlotte’s boxed up books. They have Aria’s file and Noel’s file from Jessica’s Lair, but they throw Noel’s in the trash can and douse it with scotch before lighting it on fire. Do we assume it’s Noel, or do we have even the SLIGHTEST bit of confidence in the writers and assume Noel is a red herring?
Also: was it the same scotch Spencer stole from her dad and drank after she got fired?
The Liars think Noel Kahn is A.D., the Ravenswood witch/Sorority House mom/Alison’s old lady friend with the creepy eyes is back, and Noel runs over someone with his car—Caleb maybe? It’s looking bleak!