Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Kai's back!
What Went Down
Kai tries to convince Alaric to NOT kill him by saying that he and Damon need him in order to bring back Elena and kill Cade. We all know that Damon gets stupid when anyone mentions Elena, so of course he's going to strike a deal with Kai.
Dorian has Stefan held hostage, planning to take him out to the woods and kill him. Remember when Klaus made Stefan go on that little murder spree with him? Two of those casualities were Dorian's father and sister, and now that Stefan is human again all of his compulsions have worn off of all of his victims.
Which brings us to Sheriff Matt Donovan, whose precinct has been flooded with calls from people suddenly remembering being victimized by Ripper Stefan. He asks Caroline for her help re-compelling all of them, and she agrees but not without a healthy serving of SHADE for his prior vampire hater-ade.
Bonnie agrees to meet with Cade, who wants to "teach" her how to access this new psychic space she created through her grief. When she sees Enzo he warns her not to trust Cade, that Cade is only trying to find Enzo so he can take his soul. I love the thought of Enzo being safe in the little pocket universe that Bonnie created with her LOVE.
Matt gets a call from Dorian; he's shot Stefan, is full of regret, and needs an ambulance. Caroline vampire-speeds over to where they are but her blood can no longer save him. Stefan finds himself between life and death with Cade, who tries to convince him that the kind thing to do would be to let Caroline live her life without being tied down to a martyr seeking redemption. It almost works, but not quite, because Cade agrees to let Stefan live...for now.
Caroline is at Stefan's bedside in the hospital, and Stefan ruins their nice moment with his constant need for martyrdom. I hear you, girl. I would be so very, very tired at this point.
Kai is dying. Damon decides he needs true vampire sustenance (with a side of redemptive killing), and so Kai feeds on the misogynistic dirtbag of a line cook. They go on a bit of a murder-y field trip, getting ever closer to where Elena and her coffin are stashed. Kai siphons power from Damon (uhhh, I don't think that was part of the agreement), spells himself and Elena to God-knows-where, and Damon collapses.
Matt Donovan seems to have softened up. You need to stop picking and choosing when you think it's ok to have your vampire friends help you out, Matty.
Kai is the trickiest trickster that ever did trick.
Vamp of the Week: Caroline Forbes
Remember when Caroline had time to do fun things, like do her hair and put on fancy dresses? My girl needs an Obama-level of post-shenanigans vacay when she's done with all of this. Self-care is essential, boo!
Hero Hair/Nefarious Grin
Hero Hair: Even though Dorian will likely be only a blip in most of our memories, I still have to tip my hat to him for deciding to save Stefan. I like you, kid. Hopefully The CW will do right by you and you'll land on another show.
Nefarious Grin: In case you were wondering if Kai's twitter account is real or not. You're welcome.
Damon: "How about a little faith, huh?"
Alaric: "Why don't you save that question for somebody who's never killed you?"
"Did it sound like she missed me?"
- Kai to Damon after he gets off the phone with Bonnie
Alaric: "Care to explain why Twitter just notified me that Cobrakai1972 is tweeting for the first time in four years? From a diner?"
Damon: "Better question: Why are you still following him?"
Kai: "Sirens. Man, were they hot?"
Damon: "Sure, if you're into cannibal divas."
Kai: "I think I am."
Stefan: "Be honest. What future can we have?"
Caroline: "I don't know. I never knew. And that used to be exciting. Now it just feels misguided."
WHAT is going on with the twins? It must have something to do with the bell being rung, right?
Will Stefan ever stop being a martyr?
Do you think Damon is smarting because Kai has out-Damon'd him?
We're down to the final THREE episodes of our show! Up next week:
Next time on The Vampire Diaries: Kai sings karaoke!
Come chat with me in the comments!