Tubin': Analysis, discussion and freak-outs about our favorite TV shows. See More...

RIVERDALE Chapter Five: Heart Of Darkness

We go deep into the Blossoms’ lair, and it is TWISTED. 

RIVERDALE Chapter Five: Heart Of Darkness

Previously, on Riverdale: Riverdale loses its drive-in and Jughead loses his home – also, btw, his dad is Skeet Ulrich. Hermione’s in with the Serpents, Kevin’s in with one Serpent in particular and Geraldine Grundy is definitely a disgusting predator. BYE MISS JACOBS GRUNDY. 

The Rundown

It’s come time for Jason’s memorial, and that gives us a chance to learn more about the Blossom family. It’s AWESOME. They live in a creepy old mansion named Thornhill, and it’s basically top to bottom Crimson Peak weirdness. There’s an Aunt Rose? She’s terrifying? I love her. 

Also Cheryl and Veronica have bonded, Betty's going to be the one to blow this mystery wide open, Polly and Jason were engaged and Archie’s still p boring. But WHOA SHIRTLESS. 

The Teens

Yes, this is Cheryl’s house. Cheryl makes a lot more sense now, just as a concept, doesn’t she? 

Her parents, Penelope and Clifford Blossom, are total nightmares, and they tell her she can’t speak at Jason’s memorial because she’ll embarrass them. Ouch! But Veronica works with Cheryl and helps her do what she deserves to do: say goodbye to her brother.

Meanwhile, Archie’s already got a new love interest in Josie and the Pussycats’ Valerie, and she’s sweet and gorgeous and kind of dull, just like Archie. Also, music vs football, blah blah blah. But I’m starting to dig Reggie, and wouldn’t mind more friendly rivalry between those two moon-eyed hunks. And, okay, this was pretty cute: 

The Grown-Ups

Guys: THE BLOSSOM FAMILY IS INSANE. I know I keep belaboring this point, but it’s really important to me that you understand just exactly how bananas flambé these people are. Oh yeah, and the Coopers and the Blossoms have a generations-old blood feud going? So that’s something.

Also Hermione gets a message from the Serpents, and it’s a…serpent, which feels uninspired. She calls Fred to the diner to help her, and these two are definitely still sharing a spark, though Hermione reminds them (and us) that they’re both married. To other people.

The Clues

Betty, Jughead and Kevin have reconstructed Sheriff Keller’s Murder Board, and Betty’s on the case more than ever. She learns lots more about Polly and Jason: they were engaged, they were on drugs, they were terrified of something and running away. A cult? (Please be a cult.)

At The Chock’lit Shoppe

Betty goes on a date with Jason’s water polo bud Trev just to pry him for information. Devious! I love it. (But Trev is cute, so keep that in mind, Betts.)

A Fine Line

Best Pop Culture Reference

I'm Not Like A Regular Dad, I'm A Cool Dad

Outfit VIP

Cheryl is so good at drama. This is the dress she wore the last time she saw Jason, a matching outfit that she now wears in tribute at his funeral. 

What's Coming

Burning Questions

Am I the only one's who's feeling cult with Jason and Polly? I hope it's a cult, at least. I love a good cult.

Is anyone else picking up on a Jughead/Betty vibe? I know New Comics Jughead is asexual, and that’s extremely cool, but I have to admit that my Jughead/Betty ‘shipping dates back to the ‘80s. I always wanted those two to be a thing. 

So Alice Cooper’s off this week on a Woman in Journalism Spa Retreat. Quick Q: what is that and how can I get in on one?

Categories: Tubin' Tags: cwriverdale
Meredith Borders's photo About the Author: Meredith Borders is a brewpub owner and freelance writer/editor living in Houston. Her dog's middle name is Hermione, and she makes purse decisions based almost entirely on their capacity to hold books.