Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Kai tricked Damon and stole Elena, Josie and Lizzie are hopped up on magic, and Stefan banishes himself to a life of repentant solitude...again.
What Went Down
Stefan goes hat in hand to Bonnie, apologizing for killing the love of her life. She's not ready to make nice, Stefan! Give a girl some time to grieve! Semi-corporeal Enzo visits Bonnie and they get their snuggle on. Aww. He also points out to her that she will have to forgive Stefan at some point or it will eat her alive. I SAID SHE'S NOT READY YET, dang!
Damon and Stefan know that they need to trick Cade so that they can kill him. They also need the blade back from Kai to do so. Stefan tracks him down, witty banter ensues, Kai stabs him in the hand, and Damon breaks Kai's neck. Off to the Armory!
Cade wants Damon to choose: save Elena or Stefan. Damon chooses to save the both of them, sacrificing himself. PERSONAL. GROWTH. Stefan is ready to throw himself under the bus in order to kill Cade, but thankfully Bonnie showed up to save Damon from being pulled into hell. What we would do without Bonnie? She used her psychic connection with the Devil himself, while Stefan stayed on this earthly plane with the magical blade and stabbed him through the heart. No more devil and no more hell!
Nah, just kidding! Kai can't be trusted, even if he is a BEAST at karaoke. Even though Cade is gone, hell is still there, and it has a queen. BACK TO THAT IN A MOMENT.
Stefan and Damon have some gorgeous sibling moments, just in case any of us forgot what's at the heart of our show. Damon makes Stefan realize that the best way to atone for the terrible things he's done is to ask for help from those that still love him, not isolate himself on Walden Pond.
Imprisoned Kai tells Caroline that the reason the littlest siphoners are overflowing with magic is because they're staying at the Armory, which is loaded with artifacts and other magical goodies. Of course this means that Kai can ALSO siphon magic from the actual walls of the Armory, and breaks out of his cage. The twins phone Alaric in a panic; Mommy isn't home and they're huddled under the bed. Alaric reminds them of their hiding place, and heads off to keep Kai from killing his kids. Why does Kai want to kill his own nieces? I don't know - because it's a day ending in "y"? He really hates his family, y'all. Alaric tricks Kai in the caves, and Bonnie helps create a new prison world for our favorite sociopath - one that plays nothing but The Spin Doctors. HARSH.
Alaric wants to open up a school for other GIFTED kids like Josie and Lizzie, and he wants Caroline to help him run it. I can't think of a more perfect job for either of these two, and it makes me happy to think about all of the fan-fic that this potential future will spawn.
Oh, and hell still exists, Katherine Pierce is back, and she's the literal Queen of Hell.
I give you, what I like to call, Amanda's Arc of Emotion:
When I started to realize that Katherine could actually be coming back
When it was confirmed that, yes, Katherine is now the Grand Empress of All Evil
When I realized that the Greatest Villain of All Time was heading out on her Comeback Tour to Mystic Falls
Vamp Witch of the Week: Bonnie Bennett
Kai trying to outsmart Bonnie is like Bieber trying to share a stage with Beyonce. BOY STOP.
Hero Hair/Nefarious Grin
Hero Hair: Stefan Salvatore's I've Seen the Light Pomade is available in fine stores everywhere.
Nefarious Grin: So long, Kai. And thanks for the karaoke.
Bonnie: "There's nothing you can say."
Stefan: "I understand. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't try."
Bonnie: "That's a shame. A good human skill is knowing when to shut up."
Kai: "Hey, how'd you find me? Locator spell?"
Stefan: "Yelp, actually. CobraKai1972 wrote, 'Grunge music selection weak. Drinks even weaker.' Then 30 minutes later, 'Drinks getting better. Love this place. Microphone emoji. Fireball emoji.'"
- Kai to Caroline
Caroline: "How do we fix them?"
Kai: "Well, I chose to become a sociopath with a penchant for murder and mayhem. But I take it you might want to steer them in a different direction?"
Stefan: "How can I? I have to pay for what I've done."
Damon: "In my wretched, miserable life, I have inflicted a fantastic amount of pain. I don't think my slate will ever be clean. But I don't need some spirit journey with a bunch of strangers to convince me that my redemption is within reach. I just need the people I love. The list is short, but profound. You're right at the top, alongside a great girl I hope to marry one day. Don't walk away from your list because you don't think you're worth it."
Stefan: "It means I get to grow old with my best friend. It means I get to help my wife raise her two beautiful children and their children after that. It means I get to fight to be the man that you deserve until the day that I die. I love you. Will you marry me?"
Caroline: "Yes. Yes, of course!"
Will Enzo be fully corporeal by the end of the season?
We know from the showrunners that there is going to be a death in the finale. On a scale of 1-Burn It All Down, how pissed will I be if it's Bonnie?
On that note, how does Elena come back without Bonnie dying? At this point I don't see Bon-Bon turning into a vampire, so there goes my theory.
WHAT IS KATHERINE GOING TO WEAR?
My queen is back, and she did NOT bring a wedding gift.
Kai's situation got me thinking - what would YOUR personal hell's playlist consist of? For me it would be bro-rock (The Offspring, 311, etc.) and jam bands (Phish, Dave Matthews, etc.) with just a sprinkling of Shabba Ranks. Come chat with me in the comments!