Previously, on Riverdale: we get an episode of The Jughead Show, and it's as heart-achingly sad and beautiful as you might expect. Plus Polly goes rogue, with Betty and Veronica's help, but eventually everyone sorta-rallies around Baby Cooper-Blossom. Sorta.
Betty and Veronica are the sweetest humans alive, and they're determined to throw Polly a nice baby shower even though everyone on earth knows that is a terrible idea. Sure enough, Alice and Penelope end up screaming at each other in the middle of the Lodges' living room, but we find ourselves weirdly sympathetic with Alice's plight after learning a little more about her and Hal. Meanwhile, Fred Andrews' business is being sabotaged, and after a Serpents-related red herring, we discover Hiram Lodge is still pulling strings from behind the scenes. Plus Archie sucks.
Betty and Juggie (No, I will not call them Bughead) are still adorable, and Betty proves herself extra-wonderful when she learns that Jughead's dad is a Serpent. How does she learn, you ask? Oh, right, Archie is the woooooooorst and spills the beans in a self-righteous diatribe in the middle of Polly's shower. Don't worry, Veronica put him in his place. Why does anyone like this idiot again? Aww, and Betty's going to be Baby Cooper-Blossom's godmother. Veronica is VERY excited.
Polly's decided she should move into Thorn Hill because she's mad at her mom. POLLY. There are better ways to rebel than by moving into a cursed mansion built on the spilt ruins of a maple syrup blood feud!
Also, poor Kevin is being manipulated by Joaquin, his Serpents boy-toy, but of course Joaquin is genuinely falling for Kevin, because who wouldn't?
We see a new side of Alice Cooper this week, and of Hal, who's less ineffectual than we might have been led to believe. We also see a new side of Hiram Lodge, even though we've never actually seen Hiram Lodge, and I'm starting to die from anticipation. He's been attacking Fred Andrews' business from prison, but Fred also thinks it could be Clifford Blossom or FP Jones and the Serpents, because sweet lil Fred Andrews appears to have an alarming number of enemies. Until the end of the episode, when FP becomes an ally! I'm glad.
Oh, but poor Alice. Who would've thought we'd ever say those words?!
We learn that Jason made a drug deal with the Serpents before disappearing, trying to drum up cash for his and Polly's escape. It's also got to be a clue that both Hiram and Hal are revealed to be disconcertingly powerful off-screen.
At the Chock'lit Shoppe
Hermione and Alice have a very nice talk at the diner about forgiveness and being a mom, and I think I could approve of a friendship between these two. Though I don't blame Hermione for her original reaction when Veronica asks her to talk to Alice.
Hard Hat Hotties
Riverdale knows what it's doing.
Perfect Boyfriend Juggie
Pastries and kisses - does it get any better than this?
Perfect Girlfriend Betty
Gah, these two are going to kill me.
A Fine Line
What else is Hiram manipulating from prison? Although the old so-called gypsy's promise that Polly will have twins may be "occultism at its most ludicrous," could it also be true? After all, twins beget twins. Oh and hey, why didn't Polly just stay with the Lodges. Sure, you don't want to go home, but lord, do not stay at Thorn Hill! And finally, and most burningly....
WHY does Archie suck so much? Is it on purpose? Do they want us to hate Archie? Could Season One end with Archie's murder, or could it be revealed that Archie is Jason's murderer? OR is it just that this is a tragically lame character with no ulterior arcs planned for him?