Previously, on Riverdale: They really, reeeeeally leaned into that maple syrup thing. Cheryl and Archie had a fling, Archie and Valerie are dunzo, Hermione and Fred are dunzo, Veronica and Ethel are new besties.
It's Jughead's birthday, and Betty's distracting herself from Chuck's return by throwing him an unwanted birthday party. Meanwhile, Veronica and Archie deal with parental issues by making out and F.P.'s a good dad for five minutes.
Poor Jughead. All he wants to do on his birthday is watch a John Landis double feature at the Bijou with Betty and Archie, but instead he's stuck with an insane bacchanalia. He is VERY grumpy about it. He and Betty start to show some major cracks - he thinks she's too "normal" for him, she just wants him to be fun for once - until Betty's dark side is revealed and Jughead realizes they're perfect for each other.
Meanwhile, Veronica and Cheryl are warring via cheer routines:
So Cheryl brings Chuck to Jughead's party in retribution, and lots of secrets are revealed. Chuck tells everyone about Dark Betty, Veronica accuses Cheryl of Twincest, Dilton spills the beans about Miss Grundy's car, then everyone starts throwing punches. Later, Betty and Jughead make up, thank god, and Archie and Veronica start hard-core making out to forget about their parental problems.
Potentially ill-advised? But it sure makes Archie more interesting!
Hiram's got a trial coming up, and his attorney wants Veronica to speak to his character. Of course, Veronica hates his character, and tells his attorney as much - and Hiram comes back and threatens her and her mom if Veronica doesn't testify on his behalf. GAH, Hiram sucks. I want to meet him!
In other Dad News, F.P. is suddenly a good one! He shows up for Juggie's birthday party/meltdown, and he gives him good advice: you've got a good thing going, with Betty and the rest of your friends. Don't blow it. Also, Betty needs you. It's just what Jughead needs to hear. Good on F.P.!
Fred is ready to finalize his divorce from Mrs. Andrews, causing Archie to spiral. But at the very last minute, Fred walks in the door - with Archie's mom! Seems like she wormed her way back in.
Finally, Alice Cooper has become my favorite parent on Riverdale. How did that happen?!
Not a ton of new clues this week, but the party reminded us of a lot of old clues, many of which will presumably come into play as the mystery is resolved in coming weeks. I don't think it's for nothing that Miss Grundy's car was brought back up just as we were all forgetting about her...
Betty wears a crown sweater for Juggie's birthday!
He sees Veronica the morning after her Archie tryst, and he tells her and Archie the same thing: his lips are zipped.
At The Chock'lit Shoppe
I'm so glad these two made up.
OH HI ARCHIE'S MOM PLAYED BY MOLLY RINGWALD.
We've got a week off, and when we return we're in the final three episodes of Riverdale's first season! Will Jason's killer be revealed? How will Betty react when she finds out about Archie and Veronica? Can Mrs. Andrews apply lipstick with her cleavage?
Next time on Riverdale: it's homecoming!