Previously, on Riverdale: With the help of Joaquin, our gang figures out that Clifford Blossom and his terrrible wig murdered Jason. (I need fanfic of Clifford Blossom murdering Jason because his wig is enchanted and whispers murder-y things to him.)
The Rundown: FP is still in jail for his part in the murder cover-up, so that means Jughead has to go into foster care. Most of the town either wants to pretend like nothing happened (really? A jubilee?) or blame the usual scapegoats, but Betty Cooper is having NONE of it. Cheryl tries to kill herself, but Archie saves her. This near-death experience has Cheryl ready to burn down the world so that she can run the whole damn thing.
The Teens And The Grownups
Betty is pretty upset that Jughead has to change schools, even if he does seem to fit in better at Southside High. Veronica and Archie tell Betty about their new relationship, and she's totally cool about it, duh. Veronica is all kinds of disappointed in her mom (we all are, Ronnie) for being willing to throw anyone under the bus except Hiram.
Betty finally gets Alice to tell her her biggest secret: Alice was pregnant in high school and secreted away in that terrible convent to give birth. Polly and Betty have a brother, y'all! Hopefully we'll get to meet him next season and he'll be WELL-ADJUSTED. (So tired of the "adopted kids are effed up" trope.)
After the gang fish Cheryl out of the river and deposit her at Veronica's house, they head to the Jubilee. That seems like a very weird thing to do. I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure that leaving your suicidal friend alone with your indifferent mother to go to a CONCERT isn't the best idea.
Post-Jubilee smooches abound. (It's pretty great.) These scenes solidify the feelings that Betty and Jughead, and Veronica and Archie have for each other, but Bughead is interrupted by a Southside Serpent wanting to know that he's one of them now. (Hot Dog! All this time I thought Jellybean was the dog, but I guess it's his sister? OOPS.) Betty looks on with trepidation as Juggie tries on his new leather jacket. Come on, B. The pair of you could RUN THIS TOWN.
Weatherbee and Mayor McCoy are predictably awful, but Josie comes through for her friends at the Jubilee celebration, letting Archie play a song that he wrote for Jughead. Fred Andrews is sad that his town has such a dark underbelly, but that doesn't mean he's just going to let Hermione and Hiram buy him out of his part of the business. Which brings us to....
At the Chock'lit Shoppe
Fred texts Archie to meet him at Pop's the morning after the night before (a'hem), only to be shot by a lone gunman who seems more interested in taking a shot at Fred than walking out with any cash. Hmm.
Another Moment Forecasting Cheryl Blossom's Inevitable World Domination
A Fine Line
"It was the ultimate cliffhanger...Clifford Blossom hanged himself." - Jughead, obvs.
Was it really going to be anything else?
WHO EVEN KNOWS. But I *do* know that we have our new Reggie Mantle for next season: