The conundrum that is a Chris Ranking is all over the Internet these days, and we here at FYA HQ are certainly not immune. But we’re nothing if not a scientific bunch, so we’re doing more for the conversation than merely ranking the gents* by turning to science to help us form the most educated of conclusions.
*Although we’re totally doing that, too. We are human, after all.
Have you found yourself contemplating the Chris conundrum? Read on, then leave your rankings in the comments.
To the laboratory!
Please note: The gents are listed in order of oldest to youngest, lest you think this order is a ranking. We’ll get to it, we promise!
Name: Christopher Michael Pratt
Known For: Parks and Recreation, the Guardians of the Galaxy franchise, Jurassic World
This Chris likely first worked his way into your heart with his comedy chops. His role as dumb-but-adorable Andy Dwyer was vital to Parks and Recreation, and gave us lasting pop culture moments like this one:
However, it’s when Chris went from Dad bod to superhero swole** that he really grabbed the attention of the masses. Peter Quill, a.k.a. Star-Lord, leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy, is an endearing mix of over-confidence masking self-doubt, action hero, and a love of sweet, sweet 80s tunes. Andy Dwyer he is not.
GIFs via marvelheroes.tumblr.com
Well, OK, maybe he’s a little like Andy.
GIFs via cohens.tumblr.com
**All pants to Mandy W. for this superb turn of phrase.
Name: Christopher Whitelaw Pine
Known For: The new Star Trek franchise, Wonder Woman, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
This Chris proved early-on that enemistry is where it’s at. His role opposite Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries 2 totally popped (yes, I went there) and rocketed the arrogant yet attractive Nicholas Devereaux to the top of YA heartthrobs lists the world over.
Chris later literally rocketed, into space this time, as the charming Captain James. T. Kirk. He might not have been the captain the crew of the Enterprise wanted, but he was certainly the captain they needed.
GIFs via sci-fiworld.tumblr.com
Chris doesn’t only have action chops, however, as shown in videos such as this one from Into the Woods.
In real life situations, Chris might a bit of a luddite and a crabby old man—I totally agree with the author of that post, though, it only makes me like him all the more—but he has some seriously woke views on the world, for which we applaud him
Plus this Chris is Steve Trevor, who both holds his own against Wonder Woman and knows when he has to step back and let her do her badass thing.
GIFs via lois-lane.tumblr.com
(I wanted to include these GIFs, too, but they’re a little spoilery. Click that link if you want some additional swoon.)
Name: Christopher Robert Evans
Known For: The Marvel Cinematic Universe, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Snowpiercer
This Chris, who you likely recognize as Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America, is pretty much a superhero in real life. Exhibit A: His feuds with white supremacists. Exhibit B: He makes mistakes, but recognizes them and apologizes. Exhibit C: His enthusiastic AF laugh.
GIFs via cvlwr.tumblr.com
As Captain America, Chris proves that he’s got both action and drama chops.
He also knows the importance of working out.
It’s been a while since we’ve seen him in a comedic role, but it’s not out of his repertoire, as shown by his roles in movies such as Not Another Teen Movie and Scott Pilgrim.
GIFs via jakegyllenhaal.tumblr.com
And, really, how can you not like a guy who’s this honest about his sensitivity (and relationship with his mom)?
Name: Chris Hemsworth
Known For: The Marvel Cinematic Universe, Ghostbusters, Home and Away
This Chris might have been known in his native Australia prior to visiting Earth via the Bifrost, but the rest of the world stood up and took note when the mighty Thor decided to give jeans a try.
He’s not only a pretty face (+body), however: In The Avengers, Chris gave us a glimpse at the comedic timing hiding underneath.
That previously unknown skill for comedy came to the forefront in Ghostbusters, where he played the stereotype-turned-on-its-head Kevin:
As Stephanie so rightly puts it: There's just something about a hot guy who isn't afraid to look goofy to be funny.
GIFs via hemsworthis.tumblr.com
Surprisingly, there are more than four Chrises in the world, and many of them are also worthy of a place in the rankings—there are, after all, also more numbers than four. Here’s some of our top choices for No. 5 and lower.
Name: Chris Wood
Known For: The Vampire Diaries, Supergirl
I didn't see his run as Kai on The Vampire Diaries, but hot damn if this Chris’ role as Mon-El on Supergirl isn’t one of the swooniest I’ve ever seen.
GIFs via emiliaclarq.tumblr.com
Stephanie says: Aside from [Kai from The Vampire Diaries’] pretty, pretty smile, his line delivery is what made him the perfect charming sociopath. I'm not too proud to admit I may have rewatched most of his scenes.
Kandis says: Wood is probably right under Evans. I mean, even when he's not psychotic.
Name: Chris Lowell
Known For: Veronica Mars, Enlisted
Mandy W. says: Poor Piz got the short shrift, but DAYUM this Chris can get it.
GIFs via r-beckets.tumblr.com
Name: Chris Messina
Known For: The Mindy Project, The Newsroom
Mandy W. says: A DANCING CHRIS.
Name: Christopher Meloni
Known For: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Oz
Here’s where I stand (at this moment, mind you—the Chris Ranking is a fluid thing):
4. Pratt (He used to be #2, but living in a post-Wonder Woman world has me rethinking everything. Plus, the evidence in this HSA is hard to ignore.)
And here are some other FYA HQ rankings:
1. Hemsworth: Accent, arms, his character in Ghostbusters, and this video.
2. Evans: most woke bae for sure but also painstakingly boring-hot IMHO.
3. Pine: Above Average.
4. Pratt: former favorite but treatment of pets and general white boy cluelessness have caused him to fall in the ranks.
1. Pine (Because of this video.)
Every time I try to rank them, I feel bad about whomever's in third. (Pratt doesn't even rank.) But in the interest of science, I'll go with:
1. Hemsworth: The accent pushed it over the edge, but for all practicality it's a tie with second place—I find Pine more engaging in a wider variety of roles, but what Hemsworth does, he does well. Plus he is basically a beautiful Ken doll and seems like an all-around decent human being.
2. Pine: He's got charm, humor, gorgeous baby blues, and I've loved him since Princess Diaries 2. (If she couldn't be with Michael, he was a perfect second; kind of like in this list!)
3. Pratt: I am genuinely sad to hear he's a bit of a tool in real life (I honestly haven't seen any of the news stories about what he's done; I don't go out of my way to look him up) because he's got such a fun on-screen personality and Andy Dwyer.
4. Evans: Evans is a perfectly respectable Chris, and objectively hot as Captain America, but he does the least for me. Again, I know little-to-nothing about his real life personality, so all I'm going on is his acting roles.
Now that you’ve had a chance to read through all of the evidence, head to the comments to offer your own arguments and rankings. We’ll leave you with this: