Previously, on Riverdale: Fred Andrews nearly bleeds to death, Veronica learns how to be a supportive girlfriend with some guidance from Betty and a smidge of shower sex, Betty’s concerned about Jughead’s growing Serpent affiliation, Cheryl is AMAZING and TERRIFYING and Hiram Lodge has arrived. Oh yeah, and Miss Grundy’s dead! (Good.)
Apparently having Luke Perry bleed out on your floor isn't great for business, so Pop Tate's Chock'lit Shoppe is in danger. Also in danger? FP Jones, who's facing 20 years if he takes a deal. Thankfully for everyone in Riverdale, Betty Cooper is "The Patron Saint of Lost Causes," and she fixes both in one fell swoop. But she's got another problem to fix, since a new designer drug called Jingle Jangle is sweeping the school, and the hooded man isn't done shooting folks.
Poor Archie is traumatized by the gallons of dad blood he had on him last week, though his PTSD has certainly not affected his abs in any meaningful way.
Veronica recommends therapy, which isn't a bad idea, but instead Archie decides to go to Dilton Doiley for a handgun. Sure, that'll help.
Meanwhile, Veronica's learning how to trust her dad again (don't!), and Bughead remains as cute as ever, especially after Betty's meddling saves FP's hide.
Finally, watching Betty threaten Cheryl (especially after recalling their reversed dynamic from the pilot) is my new everything.
Guys, Hiram and Hermione Lodge are CREEPY. Hermione takes the fall for the threatening letter Hiram sent Veronica last year, and Hiram thanks her by secretly buying Pop Tate's and buying his silence, to boot. Ugh, I hate them! And meanwhile, Alice Cooper is on the Jingle Jangle case.
The hooded man is apparently not Miss Grundy's estranged husband, but good guess, Archiekins. Jingle Jangle is going to be a big plot-driver this season. And Hiram is almost definitely our Big Bad.
At The Chock'lit Shoppe/Outfit MVP
Cheryl's a temporary Pussycat!
A Fine Line
"You're a stone-cold bitch, Betty Cooper." Although I don't generally approve of the word "bitch," the way Cheryl delivers it with utmost admiration warms my heart. That's the highest praise possible from the queen bee.
Who wants to kill Fred Andrews, Miss Grundy, Moose and Midge? What kind of sense does that make? At first it seemed that Archie was the connection, but he doesn't have much to do with Moose and Midge.
Also, where can I get one of those Pop's ringer tees? No, seriously, I'm asking.
So hit me up in the comments with your answers to the above questions and any relevant Bughead gifs you can get your hands on.