Previously, on Riverdale: The Black Hood convinced Betty to alienate just about everyone she knows (except Archie, because he is obvs her real fave, inexplicably). Veronica's old friend comes to town and he's a privileged sexual assaulter that the Pussycats beat to hell after he attacks both Veronica and Cheryl. And after being dumped by Betty, Juggie finds comfort in Toni Topaz's arms. (BIG THANKS to Kandis for doing such a great job covering for me last week!)
Oh man, I'm so relieved everyone's made up. I don't like it when friends fight! (Well, Archie and Juggie made up until Archie ruined everything again, but that's just par for the course). Everyone's still reeling from the attacks perpetrated by Nick St. Clair last week, and Juggie's doing his best to fix a broken town.
Toni and Juggie have a morning after post-mortem, admit it was just a "PG-13 grope fest" and Toni reminds him that he's still in love with Betty and she's "more into girls anyway." Toni Topaz is a TREASURE and I will love her till the day I die.
Betty comes clean about how the Black Hood's been forcing her to be mean to everyone, and I'm so happy to see Jughead and Veronica forgive her with open hearts. Juggie organizes a race to settle the beef between the Ghoulies and the Serpents, and Archie completely fucks it up because that's what he does. Cheryl finally makes some progress with her coldhearted mom, and Nick gets what's coming to him.
Oh and Betty? Betty's done messing with the Black Hood. "You’re next, Black Hood. I’m breathing down your neck. Can you feel it?"
Good lord, Penelope Blossom suuuuuuucks. So do the Lodges. So does Alice Cooper even though I adore her. Mayor McCoy actually used the words "raze to the ground" when talking about the Southside, so she should maybe not be a mayor. Fred's okay, though he barely exists these days. FP can stay.
Black Hood's got Betty on the case, because he understands Betty Cooper is the only person in Riverdale who can ever solve anything. Sure enough, she discovers (well, she inspires Cheryl to discover, and GO CHERYL) the identity of the new Sugar Man, a Dread Pirate Roberts-type title that refers to any number of Jingle Jangle suppliers over the years, including once Clifford Blossom. The newest Sugar Man is a Southside teacher who was kinda nice to poor Jughead once, because all grown-ups are some degree of trash in Riverdale. (Except Pop Tate.)
While I was tempted to go with Cheryl's Cha Cha from Grease racing outfit, my heart melts for Betty in coveralls, fixing Juggie's engine. HEART EYES!
A Fine Line
Oh, Alice Cooper, you magnificent drama queen: "When I heard what happened at Nick’s party, I decided that we should come together to deal with this motley crew of liars, dope fiends and fornicators. Except for my Betty, who was smart enough to leave the party before it descended into a bacchanalia free-for-all."
The Truest Thing Anybody Said This Week
Cheryl Blossom Is Every Woman In 2017
Bughead's Back, Baby!
After Betty tells Jughead that she never stopped loving him - nay, she cannot - and then says, "Also, remember, don’t ride the clutch and don’t let it slip between gear shifts, okay?" Jughead gives her the look we're all giving her, because she is the best.
In two weeks!
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