Well hello again, friends! Once again, thank you for being patient for the past (sigh) two weeks as I got my Jane brain together. This move to Fridays has really done a number on my ability, as the kids say, to even.
Without further ado, on to the last two episodes!
THE LAST TWO WEEKS' MVP(arent)S
Parenting was pretty low on the list of plot points in the thematically titled "Chapter Sixty-Nine" (NICE), so I'm going to skip straight to "Chapter Seventy" and hand out two awards: one to Jane, for writing Mateo the lovely inscription in his copy of the book (that he won't get to read for twenty more years), and one to Xiomara for supporting Jane now in her probably-love of Adam, and back when she was a baby as the only parent who stuck around (sorry, Ro, I'm on Xo's side at your revelation of possible willful ignorance!).
BEST TELENOVELA TWISTS
In "Chapter Sixty-Nine," definitely 1) Adam being revealed as a comfortable, chill bisexual, and 2) LINA KISSING JANE to cap off Jane's emotional journey accepting that news about Adam.
Runner-up: Carl wasn't a figment of Luisa's broken imagination after all, and Magda and Anezhka have an actual SCHEME afoot!
In "Chapter Seventy," duh: Magda's and Anezhka's scheme backfiring after Petra discovered the reality of Carl's existence and (with Krishna's raise-worthy help) counterschemed to undermine Anezhka's confidence, leading Anezhka, somehow, to a gruesome hanging end.
Runner-up: the twist-within-a-telenovela-twist of Fabian returning to Rogelio's show for a dramatic and ghostly final monologue—and then snapping an IG of Jane's book cover his junk while in said dramatic, ghostly makeup.
BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT
SISTERLOVING FRIENDSHIP, IS WHAT
Here's to all our longest BFF relationships. May they last forever and a day.
In "Chapter Seventy," a tie between the touchless door-operating magic of Jane's Chevrolet, and the artless con-artist crudity of Anezhka's cash payment discount ads at the Marbella.
PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN
Jane healed enough from Michael's death to start dating again, and then got confident enough dating agian that she was able to start a relationship with her first love (and almost husband!), Adam the Chill Graphic Novel Artist, who turned down a job offer in LA in order to stay in Miami near Jane. Meanwhile, following Petra's breakup with him, Rafael descended into Douchedom long enough to fight with Jane, lead a cougar hotelier investor on as part of a scheme to get back the Marbella from his unraveling sister, Luisa, and then get run over by said cougar's car when he finally came to his senses and was honest with her about his intentions. Luisa had no clue about this near-death accident, as she was being led by a secretive dude named Carl into almost torching the Marbella for enough insurance money to break Rosa out of jail. But surprise! According to Anezhka, who was overheard by an accidentally eavesdropping Krishna, Carl doesn't exist, and Luisa is seeing things! Back in Villanueva-de la Vega land, Rogelio and Xo are now happily married and not ever going to have any kids of their own, and since Rogelio orchestrated diva Fabian's exit, his telenovela is going great guns.
CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE (AGAIN: NICE.)
Guess who is in town??? LINA IS IN TOWN!!!! My absolute favorite BFF team, back at it again for Lina's bachelorette party. Also here, Lina's fiancé! And also also here, Adam! Who somehow knows Lina's fiancé from NYC! Because of their mutual friend, Adam's ex! Who was a dude!
He's so pretty!
As cool as Jane is in general, she does not take this revelation with particular grace. But I'm sure it's fine!
Anyway, here is a greeting that no person recieving a phone call has ever been soothed by: "Everything's fine, there's nothing to worry about." Now, I definitely understand why it is the best of all possible ways to open the sharing of catastrophic information—"Now don't freak out, BUT…" and "[Person you love is in the hospital] BUT…" are so much more terrifying, so better to provide the most critical information about someone being alright before going into the less immediately relevant details—but it's still not great! So, no wonder that Jane freaked out when Petra called to alert her to Rafael's having been run over, by way of telling her that he was totally fine.
Rafael is *mostly* fine, but the real reason Petra worked to hard to downplay his injuries and put Jane off racing to the hospital herself was because Raf was embarassed that Jane was right about Kathord all along. Petra didn't want her to come because she is furious that Rafael let himself get Villanueva-ed in the first place, before their scheme could push through.
In any case, what's done is done, and now some new scheme has to be invented to get Rafael his hotel/money/pride back from his crazy and possibly pyromaniac sister. "Girl PLEASE" is the look Petra gives Raf when he stresses how insane Luisa is. "You don't think so??" he demands, incredulous. "My sister tried to drown me at sea; I have a high bar," she says in return.
Man, someday you two are going to rule a hotel empire with no villains trying to take you down, and you are going to be unstoppable.
Back at the Villanueva ranch, Jane hangs up from her call with Petra to return to her argument that Xo stop relying on the birth control pills she keeps forgetting to take and instead find a method that is way less energy-intensive like the ring or the arm implant or the other ring or a vasectomy for Ro ("Look at you, Planned Parenthood!" and Spoiler: Rogelio fights but eventually allows for the vasectomy). Oh, and also they are talking about Adam being bisexual, and Jane not yet managing to absorb the reality of that. SHE claims it is because of society's double standard on what kind of homoerotic pairings are acceptable and what ones are gross, but she is Jane and she is complex, there's probably something else going on we'll learn about soon!
Rafael, meanwhile, is not handling his hit-and-tun recovery well, and Jane doesn't feel like they are in a good enough place for her to do the comforting he and she both need. But when she walks by Mateo's room later that night and sees a weeping Raf half-fallen out of Mateo's bed, having been unable to handle his laptop, she sits down with him and they have a the heartfelt discussion this whole fall season has been leading up to. Justin Baldoni KILLS it, breaking down all the worries he is spiraling over, and all the guilt over worrying when he is just lucky to be alive that is compounding that spiral.
Jane, who has rediscovered some of her grace, drops all judgment: he is allowed to feel unlucky about the hotel and the money, regardless of being alive. His feelings are valid. They are both, at last, mostly redeemed for their terrible Season 4 behavior!
The next day, Raf learns from Petra that Luisa was talking to someone named Carl. It turns out that when Luisa had her first mental breakdown that resulted in institutionalization, it was because she had hallucinated a person named Carla who was telling her to do things in surgeries that didn't need doing. This freaks Rafael out enough that he breaks Luisa's ban and returns to the Marbella to try to talk her into considering medical help. Remarkably, after consulting with Anezhka, who apologizes to beautiful doctor but confirms that no, no one was with Luisa when Luisa introduced her to Carl, it works, and Luisa believes him, hands back his part of the hotel, and checks herself into medical care. Wow! So easy! Everything is solved!!!!
Except: Carl is real! Magda and Anezhka orchestrated the whole thing! And now that Luisa is in a mental institution, none of her business decisions, including handing shares back to Rafael, are legally valid. Instead, her share reverts to Anezhka, who becomes majority shareholder. Whoops!
Meanwhile, Jane's life, at least when she isn't trying to convince a worried Adam that his bisexuality is totes cool dude, is full of Lina—and Danny, whom Lina is suddenly nervous about actually marrying, now that the real day is almost here, and her sisters sat her down for a sistervention. She tasks Jane with spending the day getting to know Danny well enough to make a decision for her whole future, which Jane initially balks at, but ultimately is too invested in her own opinion not to be honest that Danny? He's…kinda boring.
Unfortunately, one day does not an expert make in another human being, and Jane's initial impression that Danny and Lina had nothing in common is shot to bits when he drops by her house later to pick up murder party props and lets Jane in on the secret that he will be interrupting the party with a much more Lina-minded stripper dance, featuring him! Jane is so vocal about her surprise at his rightness for Lina that he immediately is suspicious, and gets her to admit that Lina had her spying on her behalf. And thus Jane rushes to the party to try to talk Lina out of her earlier conclusion, where it takes a whole BFF bathroom floor sesh for them both to get to the bottom of their troubles. For Lina, the answer is that Danny's boringness is the exact same flavor of Jane's, and that she is marrying the male version of her best friend and longest relationship.
For Jane, whose response to Lina's revelation is to let her bisexually-curious subconscious lean her in for a kiss, it is that she worried that Adam might end up breaking her heart and leaving again, and his bisexuality gave her a tangible hurdle to put in their path.
I…call shenanigans on this being the root cause of Jane's weirdness, given how little evidence is presented textually beforehand, but whatever! It makes for a very cute makeup scene with Adam, wherein he promises her vehemently that he isn't interested in any other human but her, and isn't going to be leaving her and breaking her heart, and btw they are monogamous, so neither should be kissing ANYONE else!
Hi I want to live in this gif
Cool. Cool cool cool. I'm so glad this is a promise that will be kept in mind and maintained faithfully for several episodes to come.
After some seriously "it me" flashbacks to Baby!Jane devouring magical realism in her local indie bookstore—complete with Isabel Allende hallucinations—we open on Jane's HARDCOVER BOOK. It's here! It's finally (and in IRL, at your actual bookstores now) here! Jane is a published author! And she is going to have a book launch party at her favorite local indie bookstore, hosted by her favorite gay indie bookseller couple, and it is going to be so great.
As she is penning the world's longest dedication for the copy Mateo will get to read two decades hence, Rafael fields a phone call from Petra who is complaining about Anezhka and Magda's low-rent con artist dealings at the Marbella, over which she has managed to exert zero control. Starting to second guess his decision to take himself out of scheming for awhile, he looks to Jane for reminders as to why he needs to lay low. "Because sneaking around got you thrown in jail in the past and run over in the present, and you need to look to the future, protect your children, and be a role model." It is a masterful use of guilt+scare tactics, and he is duly impressed.
Me? I'm just gald to see them back as BFF co-parents.
Jane's chill about her book is unlimitable. She dances about it at home, she dances about it at Xo's, and she dances extra hard about it at Adam's, where she drops off a specially stick-figure signed copy before inviting him to join her on her tiny Florida-only book tour the next week. He's surprised and asks if that is what she really wants, and she responds with, "yeah, I love you!" Except not really, it was in her imagination, she just says it will be so fun!!! …but also, now she is obsessed with why and how to tell him she loves him.
Back at the Marbella, Petra tries a new tactic to get Rafael involved: getting him a job as the Marbella's General Manager. Surprisingly, Magda goes for it (the argument that Rafael is their best bet at making more money for Magda and Anezhka to abscond with certainly helps). On the way out of the office, though, Petra spies an inhaler under the couch, which reminds her of the specific detail about Carl's inhaler which Luisa tried to use as proof of his existence. And while one stray inhaler a scheme does not prove, Petra knows her family well enough to follow up on it, and so she goes straight to Krishna (low-key the best), who was accidentally witness to the encounter between Anezhka, Luisa, and maybe-Carl, and thus who might be able to get Petra proof.
"What time were you in the parking lot?" Petra asks. "Close to midnight," Krishna says. "I remember because I looked at my watch and thought, this is no way to live." KRISHNA. Petra's response? "Good, cue the tape up to 11:45." PETRA!
The security footage from the outside of the hotel doesn't show Luisa in the flesh, but does show her shadow…and Carl's. And now Petra has enough information to take her family down—with Krishna's help. "That is NOT in my job description, Mrs. Solano," Krishna says. "So…I'm going to need a raise." Petra's raised eyebrow of impressed pride, it's all of us.
So Petra and Krishna fake an argument about how tired Petra is of tricking Anezhka, which Anezhka overhears. They bring it to Magda, and Petra puts on a real show of begging Magda to drop the act already and be honest with Anezhka and just stop stringing her along. Magda is flummoxed, Anezhka is confounded, and Petra is relentless. Anezhka insists that she isn't the one being tricked, that Magda is the one she can trust, but then Petra scoffs and says, "if I weren't in on it, how else would I know that Carl is real?" And both Anezhka AND Magda are floored. Win: Petra! That is, until Anezhka winds up hanging in the middle of her suite at the end of the hour. Dun dun DUNNNNNN.
Meanwhile, Jane is fighting both fate and incessant flashes of Michael-memories to make her book launch party go well. Unfortunately, fire after fire keeps alighting in her path. First, the bilingual bookstore of her youth ends up closed due to a new building landlord and gentrifying hike in rent the owners couldn't afford. Next, Magda spitefully schedules Raf to bartend (not general manage!) during the party, which Jane tries to brush off as no big deal (even though it is) which Raf has to pretend he isn't hurt by (even though he is). Next, Adam calls with the news that a handful of deadlines got moved up and he also wouldn't be able to make it. Next, Rogelio's plan to get a magazine writer to cover the opening and bring enough business in to pay at least this month's bookstore rent (I…do not think this is how business rent works?) falls through, as it turns out that magazine writer is sleeping with Fabian, and Fabian asks her to withhold favors until he gets Rogelio to agree to let him return for a melodramatic ghost farewell, to get him a reel for an upcoming audition—and Jane has to write the script.
Eventually almost all problems are solved: Jane realizes Fabian wants a speech as riddled with clichés as possible, and delivers. His bed buddy found out he was seeing other people, so she can't come through after all, but he does the next best thing and rolls up in his ghost makeup to take naked selfies with her book in the bathroom as organic advertisement. Alba alerts Jane to the Raf problem, so she swings by the hotel on her way to the party to hand him the book and force him to read the acknowledgments, which GUSH in thanks ot Rafael, her rock.
And finally, while Adam doesn't end up making it, Isabel Allende does (thanks, Fabian's nudie shots!), and she advises Jane to follow her passion, which leads Jane to race to Adam's right after the party and finally say I LOVE YOU.
Only, it turns out he didnt have deadlines. He had another job offer from that VFX company he turned down before, this time for way more money. And him seeing her catch her dreams this past month made him want to catch his, so he accepted. He skipped the party so as not to ruin her pictures by being in them. "I had to take it," he says. "No, you wanted to," she replies. YOU LITERALLY DAYS AGO SAID YOU WOULDN'T BREAK HER HEART AND LEAVE, I scream at my television, more irritated at the pacing of the writing than the twist (too fast and too unearned, yo).
Sigh. Bye, Adam.
The Villanueva-Solano-de la Vegas are taking this week off for a well-deserved Thanksgiving break, but will be back on December 8 for the midwinter finale—which will likely also be my last serving as recapper. I love the show with all my heart, but just can't keep up the schedule—I will work hard to find someone who will be able to handle the Friday turnaround better than I have been!
Jane the Virgin 4x07: Chapter Seventy-One -->