Previously, on Riverdale: Juggie secretly goes against FP's wishes and tangles with The Snake Charmer to get him out of prison. Candyman shows up! Cheryl is stalking Josie? And Sheriff Keller
looks great shirtless gets his time on the other side of Betty's magnifying class. Also! Also! Sabrina update.
FP's been sprung and remains the only decent parent in Riverdale (except for Fred Andrews, who somehow has even less to do this season than he did in S1, his dramatic near-death notwithstanding). Archie and Veronica take their turn playing Scoobies, and they do aight. And everyone breaks up, but this time maybe for real-ish (probs not, let's be honest).
Juggie is so thrilled that FP's out of prison, but it goes south quickly, after FP discovers that The Snake Charmer was involved. Juggie feels terrible for ruining his dad's one chance to go clean, and he feels like he's besmirching Betty after she does a super weird and sort of sad striptease to fit in with the Serpent chicks. So he dumps her. (Breaking my heart, and Betty's: "How many times are we going to push each other away?" "Until it sticks.") It feels judgey? But also fair? Because, honestly, Betty did NOT seem to enjoy her exhibitionism. It wasn't Dark Betty out to play, it was Good Girlfriend Betty doing anything she can to stay in Jughead's life. Maybe he made the right call here.
Archie and Veronica, at the behest of the somewhat busy Bughead, investigate a cold case called The Conway Murders that may be tied to the Black Hood. A family of four was murdered decades ago - but they discover there was a fifth Conway, who's been secretly living as Mr. Svenson, the Riverdale High custodian! Anyway, Archie looks deep into his eyes and decides he's not the Black Hood, but surely that entire plot wasn't just a red herring? Oh and all this investigating is to distract them from the fact that, in spite of their VERY active sex life...
...Veronica's realizing she can't "get there" with Archie. No, not to O-Town - she appears to be getting THERE quite easily - but to L-Town. Archie says he loves her, and she realizes she doesn't feel the same way. They break up the way the best couples do - during a duet of Gary Jules' "Mad World," which Betty finishes half-naked. Weird karaoke party!
And Cheryl's still being Hella Weird with Josie. And Hella Bitchy with FP, a "plebe" who now works at Pop's.
FP's so excited to not be a Serpent anymore, in AA and on the straight and narrow. Until poor well-meaning Juggie screws all that up, and his dad sadly ends the episode taking shots with his Serpent buddies. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Also the Lodges are fully on-board the Archie Train (the Freud in me suspects that's why Veronica's so suddenly off the Archie Train), and Alice Cooper and FP share some seriously steamy tension. I am SHIPPING! THIS!
Mr. Svenson is Joseph Conway - surely that means something to someone that is somehow related to the Black Hood? Surely?
We have three winners here - well, FP wins twice. First, clean living looks good on the man.
Second, I love these lil bike buddies.
But Let's Get Real: Alice wins.
Not that it's a high bar in Riverdale, but I love FP so much!!
A Fine Line
Hermione is RIGHT ON when she describes Archie thusly to Veronica: "Also, your father and I talked, and we wouldn’t mind seeing more of Archie. He’s brawny and devoted to you." Brawny af.
Okay, but WTF is this shizz?
So the episode ends with a hint that the newly single Archie and Betty are suddenly seeing each other with new eyes. I guessssssss?
The midseason finale!