Previously, on Riverdale: FP can't remain on the straight and narrow if he wants Jughead to be free from the Snake Handler's grasp, Veronica couldn't say "I love you" to Archie and so, instead of giving her some space and time, he ends things (ugh), Jughead doesn't like how far Betty is willing to go to be with him so he breaks up with her (ugh), and we are ALL shipping Alice Cooper and FP Jones.
Christmas is coming and Santa is bringing everyone a serious case of PTSD! Everything is super tense because our friends broke up last week, but that’s not going to stop Kevin Keller from hosting an awkward gift exchange. Betty and Archie team up to figure out if something nefarious has happened to Mr. Svenson when he doesn’t show up for work, leading them right into The Black Hood’s trap.
Awkward gift exchange is awkward. I mean, I know our show needs dramatic tension but I teared up when I saw that Jughead bought Betty a first edition of her favorite book for Christmas. And now that Archie has replaced him as Betty’s sleuthing partner, of course they kissed. Of course they did because they’re teens and there was all kinds of heightened emotions flying around while they were on the case. And of COURSE this kiss was witnessed in typical creeper fashion by one Ms. Cheryl Blossom. This should end well.
Jughead convinces the rest of the younger Serpents to take down Penny the Snake Charmer, and maybe it worked? It was super disturbing to see Jughead so comfortable CARVING HER SERPENT TATTOO OFF OF HER PERSON. She’s told to leave Riverdale, but FP is pretty sure she’s not going to stay gone.
Cheryl is determined to make Christmas happen even if they don’t “have any money” (seriously Penelope, just start selling all of your excess STUFF, downsize, and you’ll be amazed at how it’s possible to live off of less than millions of dollars!), and she is the loneliest kid in all of Riverdale.
Veronica is tired of her parents’ opulent lifestyle, and decides to take matters (ie, her parents’ credit card) into her own hands when they refuse to help Fred Andrews pay his hospital bills. Some much-needed snooping in her dad’s study leads to the discovery that they own Pop’s Chock-Lit Shoppe. She calls them out on their lie and they agree to let her in on the family business (and secrets), but off-screen so we’re still left in the dark. Damn!
Hermione collects Faberge eggs, so that’s gross. Penelope gets her swerve on with the Christmas Tree delivery guy (LOL), Alice channels Martha Stewart and makes me want to move in with them for the holidays, Fred’s health insurance is awful, FP is hella frustrated with Jughead for trying to run off Penny, and Nana Rose is HORRIFYING. (see: A Fine Line) OH, and she was also part of the vigilante gang that executed the killer of the Selways by BURYING HIM ALIVE.
Betty’s Secret Santa sent her a finger! JK, it was The Black Hood. Convinced that he has Svenson, Betty and Archie head straight to the convent to ask the sisters about Svenson’s time there after his family was killed. They try to keep it on the hush, but Betty threatens to expose them for the corporeal, tyrannical hellhole that they are if they don’t help, (Girl, you should expose them ANYWAY. Haven’t you seen The Magdalene Sisters??), so beans are spilled and now they know that Svenson MAY have accused the wrong man of being the killer. Yikes.
Betty and Archie head to the burial site of the poor bastard who was wrongfully BURIED ALIVE, only to find an empty coffin. It’s a TRAP. The Black Hood is there, he forces Archie into the coffin and as Betty tearfully starts burying her childhood best friend alive, the police arrive and Betty is able to beat him over the head with a shovel.
Cut to the end of the chase with T.B.H. trying to jump off a bridge and Sheriff Keller shooting him dead. He’s unmasked and we learn that it’s Svenson, with one less finger. Archie starts questioning his memories of the night his dad was shot, and methinks that we haven’t seen the last of hooded men in Riverdale.
Everyone's holiday sweater game was on point this episode, but I do love a dude in a well-fitted sweater.
Once again, FP Jones holds it down where his son is concerned, even if going back to the Serpents is probably going to land him in jail again if his parole officer keeps visiting.
A Fine Line
Cheryl: Oh, I was thinking...maybe you could go to Mr. Lodge for a job? Of course, he’d probably ask what skills you have and you’d be forced to admit that only skill you have is being a terrible mother. So I guess you’re gonna have to get creative in the New Year.
Nana Rose to Penelope: You should have drowned them at birth, like a basket of kittens.
WHY is Betty keeping her hood??
How long before Cheryl tells Veronica about Archie and Betty?
Will Veronica be the one to take down her own family?
Is Hal Cooper the father of Alice’s first son? (I want Hal out of her life so badly, y’all.)
Will Toni finally light Cheryl's fire now that the two schools are merging??
Holy over-crowding in public schools, Batman! Southside High has been shut down:
The casting of Chic Cooper is BANANAS. He looks JUST like Mama Coop!
Well that's it until January 17, 2018! I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season, and feel free to conspire with me in the comments on our show!