Previously, on Riverdale: Southside High shut down and the Serpents slithered into Riverdale HS. While Betty found her INSANELY CREEPY long-lost brother, Archie somehow teamed up with the FBI. (Maybe?)
Wowwwwww this episode was boring. I'm sorry, wrestling?! We're supposed to care about WRESTLING. I do not. Other things I don't care about? The Lodge business, Picken's Day, Chic Cooper. So not a great episode for me caring about things, is what I'm saying.
Archie wants to impress Hiram Lodge, so he gets into wrestling. He's not good, and then he's good. Hiram doesn't like him, and then he likes him. Archie's working for a (maybe?) FBI agent, then he's (maybe?) not working for an FBI agent. Meanwhile Betty and Chic are bonding in spite of the fact that he's a CYBER-TRICK (Kevin's words), and Juggie rebels against a town celebration of an old military dude who actually massacred hundreds of members of the Uktena Tribe, to which Toni's grandfather belongs. Toni schools him against his misplaced white guilt most righteously.
Oh yeah, and Veronica and Josie have a falling out, which results in Veronica reuniting the Pussycats - under HER name. Poor Valerie gets no respect.
Hiram sucks, Mayor McCoy sucks, Penelope sucks, Hal sucks, Alice is cool, Toni's grandpa can stay. I'd like to make a note of Hiram's face when Archie makes out with Veronica just to spite him.
Clues only matter in a mystery, and this arc of Riverdale is tragically bereft of mystery.
A lot of cute boys wear a lot of cute wrestling uniforms this week, but none of the fellas wears theirs as well as one Mister Kevin Keller.
A Fine Line
When Hiram tells Archie that he's "not good enough for my daughter in every respect. I don’t think you’ll ever be able to take care of her," Archie responds WITH UTMOST BALLS by saying, "I took care of her when you were in prison." Daaaaaaaamn.
Best Pop Culture Reference
Regarding Hiram's high school wrestling obsession (uhm), Veronica says, "Now that the season’s started up again, it’s like Mom and I are background extras in the movie Foxcatcher."
The Truest Thing Anybody Said This Week
Toni, to a lately insufferable Jughead, "Admit it. You hate the Northside. You hate that instead of being invited to a party, you were asked to work it. It triggers all your rage about being born on the wrong side of the tracks."
Here's Penelope Blossom's Excuse For Working As A Courtesan
The Blossoms used to run a brothel, apparently, and "the old ways die hard, it seems." Okay, sure. That works for me.
Yes, Alice, Yes
"Hal, I threw you out once. I’ll do it again."
Pussycat Heads Will Roll
"Veronica and the Pussycats"? Josie’s gonna murder some kitties.
A Musical Episode!
The fact that Veronica, Archie and Josie all sing beautifully this week serves as a reminder of THIS GREAT NEWS.
When are we going to get another real mystery? Because sadly "The Wrestler" proves that Riverdale needs some murder and mayhem to remain compelling.
DARK BETTY'S BACK, BISHES.
Check out our Riverdale-themed merch!