Previously, on Riverdale: Hiram Lodge tried to intimidate Archie through wrestling and it was just as gross and inappropriate as you could imagine. Also, the head of the town's founder's statue has gone missing, Scooby-Doo style. (JK we all know it's Hiram.)
Mayor McCoy is trying to evict the entire Serpent Trailer Park, certain that they're the ones responsible for beheading the statue of their very problematic "founder". It's just an excuse, really, to stay on The Lodges' good side, and I have to wonder WHAT they have on her. Archie is Hiram's new PA (ugh), Betty and Jughead do some sleuthing (YAY), Josie is forced to reconcile with Veronica, and Veronica gets confirmed at the age of 16, which isn't weird at all.
Veronica doesn't like that Hiram wants to bring Archie close into their Inner Circle, and I don't blame her. The whole "family" gets invited to Riverdale for her confirmation, including their crime family. (There's a guy named after Poutine, thereby de-throning Paulie Walnuts as Best Food-Named Mobster.) Archie overhears Paulie Poutine talking to another magoo about taking out Hiram, and Archie loyally reports back to Hiram, neglecting to give the FBI agent the skinny on Hiram OBVS being the one who ordered the hit.
Betty is getting ALL UP on her web cam with her black wig, and I would probably be totally down with her exploring her sexuality in this way EXCEPT for the fact that she's a minor and it's the INTERNET. She needs to take that dark side to Jughead instead of web-based randos who could turn into stalkers.
Chic supposedly got a real job, but I'm pretty sure that the guy exiting his house was a john, not his new boss. He warns Betty about establishing boundaries and anonymity to stay safe while she's online, and I can't decide if he's the worst or the best big brother...? His advice is good, but she's a MINOR.
Jughead is almost kicked out of The Serpents due to the return of The Snake Charmer, and FP is PISSED when he finds out what Jughead did to her. Jug reaches out to Betty for help (YES), and our two favorite sleuths manage to get a tip from an old tinker who recognized Tall Boy as the one who dumped the statue's head.
Oh yeah, Betty and Jughead HAVE SEX. *explosion of hearts*
Hal leaves the house because of Chic and Alice is like "whatevs", Fred seems completely oblivious to how deeply Hiram's claws are dug into Archie, FP is just trying to live his damn life without having to worry about a mutiny or his son mutilating people, and The Lodges are creepy and terrible and I really wish that Paulie Poutine killed Hiram.
Bughead is back on the case! This week's mystery was easily solved, but now that there's a dead dude on the floor of the Cooper house, it's gonna get STICKY.
Sorry, Veronica. Your confirmation dress reminded me of a Purity Ball (gag), so Betty gets the medal for her awesome sweater of foreshadowing.
A Fine Line
"What? You think you’re a hero, Jug?! Cutting up women, bringing the temple down right on our damn heads. You...will be the death of us. Not the Northside. Not Penny. You." - FP
I don't agree with all of what FP says here but he's dead on for calling out Jug's mutilation of Penny.
Best Pop Culture Reference
Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve is reference to as "that song from Cruel Expectations", and I'm fairly certain that's not the first reference we've heard to that film, which seems pretty spot on aesthetically.
The Truest Thing Anybody Said This Week
FP: "Penny’s a cobra, but mutilating her...that’s the kinda thing you don’t come back from, Jug."
Jughead: "Yeah, like stuffing a teenager’s body in a freezer."
Yes, Alice, Yes
Hal: I'm going to stay in a B&B because I can't face up to my own emotions about Chic being here and what that means for our marriage.
Alice: *rolls eyes and slams the door in his face*
Is Betty going to tell Jughead about kissing Archie? Does she actually need to?
Who the hell is the dead dude?? Other than the missing member of Green Day.
Does anyone feel invested in Veronica and Archie as a couple?
When are we going to get more Ethel, dammit?? #DarkEthel
That's all for this week! Meredith will be back next week to gab about our show!
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