Previously, on Riverdale: Bughead is back and stronger than ever, Hiram put out a hit on a badly named mobster who was going to make him sleep with the fishes, and Betty came home to a dead body on the floor and her mother furiously mopping up blood. Just another day in Riverdale!
Murder clean-up! Well, self-defense clean-up according to Alice Cooper, and who are we to judge? Betty's traumatized by the experience of having to dispose of a dead body with her mother and eventually reaches out to Jughead for support. Archie is still very much Team Lodge, blowing off Agent Adams who then turns around and puts the heat on Fred for supposedly hiring undocumented workers (from Canada. Sure, sure). Veronica attempts to broker peace between the Southside and The Lodges while Cheryl tries to protect Betty from the knowledge that her dad is the worst, ie sleeping with Riverdale's newest courtesan, Penelope Blossom.
All of our friends were really there for each other this week, and so I have to give the whole crew a polite golf clap. Seeing Cheryl look out for Betty (even if her assumptions about the cause of Betty's stress were wrong) was nice to see, but I do hope that Cheryl will soon understand that she's not responsible for her mom's shitty behavior. Jughead was Best Boyfriend of All Time, calling in FP to help Alice and Betty REALLY get rid of the body, and I have to give Betty props for her newfound distrust of Chic. Seriously tho - what are they doing with this character? I honestly can't tell anymore. Is he just a giant red herring? I was hoping for a lot more, show.
FP AND ALICE.
This moment right here. LE SIGH.
Hal is instantly suspicious when he comes back to the house "for toiletries" (what, you can't just go to CVS like any other adult, Hal?) and it reeks of bleach. Hating Hal Cooper gives me life, y'all. Betty threatens to expose his affair with Penelope to Alice if he doesn't stay gone, but makes sure that Chic knows that she's not doing it for him.
FP wins Adult of the Week for A - standing beside Jughead when he refuses to keep Hiram's name out of the expose piece that he's writing, and B - for knowing where to purchase a bag of lye. Let Hal move in to Blossom Manor with crazy Penelope so Alice and FP can finally be together, show!
The Lodges want to ramp up their plan with the Southside but the mayor disagrees. Veronica humanely tells Sierra that her parents are going to expose her affair with the sheriff, so she steps down as mayor before that can happen. When her dad confronts her about it Veronica denies that she had anything to do with it. Like father, like daughter.
Betty goes BACK to where they dumped the body to look for evidence of the dead guy's identity. She finds his phone and figures out that he's a drug dealer. Chic hasn't been totally honest with them and that really sets her off. After a very voracious parking attendant threatens to ticket the hoopty across the street from The Coopers, Jughead helps Betty sink the dead guy's wheels into Sweetwater River. The couple that conspires together STAYS together. <3
Turns out that Agent Adams didn't actually work for the FBI (YA DON'T SAY), but was a plant by Hiram and Hermione to test Archie's loyalty. Archie needs to really, REALLY see what kind of people they are instead of being mesmerized by them.
I mean, who else was it going to be? I love so much that she has their family crest on her target.
A Fine Line
Cheryl: Back so soon, Mr. Cooper?
Hal: Cheryl, what are you doing there sitting in the dark?
Cheryl: Do you know my mother is a harlot, don’t you? A modern day ‘Moll Flanders’?
What is Chic's deal? Because if the answer is that he's a two-dimensional psychopath I'm going to be way bummed. (But we can't fault him for cutting Hal out of the family photos. Hal is gross.)
Drug dealer's body: found before it turns to sludge or no?
Does Great Aunt Blossom approve of Penelope's new career? Does she even live in the manor anymore or is she in a very posh senior living facility for retired villains?
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