Hi X-philes! I’m filling in for Rosemary this week, and I’m excited to talk to y’all about the show that I have hooked many friends on over the years, only to alienate them, when I made them watch “Home”. As you do.
Previously on The X-Files
According to my recording, nothing previously happened on The X-Files. Which seems weird for a show in it’s 132nd season, but okay.
This Week’s Case File
(Ouch, That’s) Cold Open
A creepy robot voice tells us a story about a 2016 incident where an artificial intelligence bot posing as a 19 year-old girl on twitter eventually turned racist and horrible, with a hundred thousand followers, until the corporation eventually shut her down. “Humans must take care in teaching A.I. or we will be the ones deleted,” the robotic voice tells us.
Rise of the Machines
Sushi date! Mulder and a newly bobbed Scully order sushi on a restaurant tablet, while Scully browses news on her phone, while rejecting friend requests from the restaurants that’s going major Big Brother on her. Mulder presumably looks at porn. They’re the only ones in the weirdly robotic restaurant. When their orders arrive, Mulder’s is an entire fish, which they laugh at, and pose for selfies with. (Pretty sure the blobfish has its own tumblr by now.) When he goes to complain, he finds nothing but machines running the place. When he swipes his card to pay, the machine won’t release his card, and he hits it. Which subsequently causes them to be locked into the restaurant. They manage to break out, but Mulder’s credit card remains locked in the restaurant.
Scully hails an Uber-type ride that’s self-driving, and still won’t stop talking to her, and drives like a maniac. Mulder gets to his car to find he has a parking ticket, despite his meter app telling me his still has three minutes left. On when his way home, he argues with his phone when it doesn’t play his requested Prince, and then his GPS returns him to the creepy sushi restaurant that has been repeatedly texting Mulder requesting him to leave a tip, despite him opting not to. Meanwhile, Scully’s terrible self-driving car locks her in, and when she finally gets out, her home security system goes off and won’t accept her code, then once she gains access, she is texted that she owes $250 for a false alarm.
Mulder deals with trying to get a living person on the phone with Bigly Credit, over his missing credit card, while a drone spies on him out the window. He goes after it with a baseball bat, because Fox Mulder. And honestly, if I were him, I would also be over people effing with my house. A drone battalion arrives at Mulder’s to collect their injured comrade, Later, while he’s still trying to deal with Bigly Credit, a massive swarm of tiny drones invade his house and chase him away and WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?
Scully has her own bout with paranoia as her phone texts her a reminder to reorder hair products while she’s at her bathroom vanity. As she spills something on the floor, a drone delivers a package to her yard, which contains a robotic vacuum. When she sets it down, it immediately goes to clean up her spill, and unearths her personal massager from under the bed. She decides to box up the creepy vacuum she did not order, and ends up stuck in phone support hell herself. And then all of her overly smart appliances start going haywire and verbally (visually?) attacking her. When she gets locked out of her home security system after too many failed login attempts, she is locked in the house and can’t let Mulder in when he arrives. Her home system notifies her of a gas leak and she breaks the glass door, right before an explosion. They’re unable to get their devices to contact the fire department, so they make a run for it.
They ditch their electronics in an effort to not be tracked, and are chased into some warehouse looking building by a bunch of drones and a (self-driving?) car. Inside, they’re quickly surrounded by a swarm of robots. They run to a room where some kind of machine is manufacturing bullets that immediately start shooting at them. A rolling robot then busts in, and hands Mulder his abandoned phone, which is offering him his very last chance to tip the terrible sushi restaurant. This time, he opts for a tip, and the machines stand down.
The agents wrap up their adventure with breakfast at a retro greasy spoon diner, surrounded and served by actual humans. They’re back at it staring at their phones, when Scully comes to a realization, and puts hers down, and her hand on Mulder’s hand. He looks back at her, puts his phone down, and squeezes her hand. And I SEE YOU CHRIS CARTER, YOU BASTARD.
This Week’s Top Ranking Agent
Skinner, because he had the good sense to not be anywhere around. Yeah, I said it.
This Week's Loser/Human Hybrid
Blobfish, we hardly knew ya.
From the Bureau Surveillance Files
“Why is your house so much nicer than mine?” - Mulder
“It’s good to see you got all of your personal devices back.” - Mulder
“Not all of them.” - Scully
[dead] - Me
- Does Fox Mulder seem like the type of person who would be open to trying a trendy sushi restaurant operated by robots?
- Scully has a home, y’all! But her smart home system, in addition to proving to be terrifying, is suuuuuper annoying. Who can live like that?
- The first 15 minutes have no dialogue, and the rest of the episode has a very limited amount. Aside from the sushi dinner, Mulder and Scully don’t interact with real people for nearly 30 minutes. It’s obviously a commentary on the solitary existence we live when we choose to be tethered to machines. And okay, but THIS is how we choose to spend our last episodes ever?
Only three episodes left! And next week looks like an old school creeper. Was this the weirdest standalone episode of all time? Let’s discuss!