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RIVERDALE 2.17: The Noose Tightens

The curtains close on a kiss, god knows! 

RIVERDALE 2.17: The Noose Tightens

Previously, on Riverdale: So many weird things! Varchie and Bughead and...Jeggie? Rosie? (Reggie and Josie) are running for student council, while Hermione and Fred are each running for mayor. Choni is happppppening. Penelope sends Cheryl to a gay conversion facility, ugh. And mostly I'm just furious about Archie and Veronica forever.

The Rundown

Plenty more of the same in this ep, with both the mayoral race and the student council race heating up. And I'm still furious about Archie and Veronica. I honestly can't handle this Archie+Lodges storyline anymore. It's somehow simultaneously the most infuriating thing I've ever seen, and the most boring thing I've ever seen. I'm going to spend very little time talking about it this week because it's by far the worst part of season 2 and yet gets the most screentime. 

The Teens

Archie gets in over his head for the Lodges for the 100 millionth time and receives a car as thanks. Veronica stands idly by. They are gross. The end. (Except NOT the end because I can't get over how tragic it is that B&V are separated these days. The show has SQUANDERED its greatest strength. Okay, now the end.)

In storylines I care about news: Betty and Alice turn to the Serpents to help them with the Shady Man mess, and after a little back and forth over the Coopers' loyalty, the Serpents come through BIG TIME. Shady Man's car is dragged from the lake, and it belongs to his ex (Buffy's Azura Skye!). She demands ten thousand dollars to keep quiet about Shady Man, and after Betty procures it for her, she and her thug still don't leave - until Juggie kicks open the door flanked by leather jacket-wearing toughies and I'm sorry, it's hot.

Meanwhile, Cheryl's been suffering with the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, but Toni's on the case! She recruits Veronica and Josie, who are like, "Wait, she hasn't been tweeting? You're right, something is AMISS."

They go to Penelope to find out where Cheryl is, and she is typically horrible, but Nana Rose saves the day. After being treated like a literal dog by Penelope ("You've been fed and gone potty, now sit here quietly"), Nana Rose crawls across the floor to call Toni and tell her where Cheryl is! It's great, honestly.

Veronica and Toni break into the orphanage on a rescue mission (they lose Josie's alliance along the way, thanks to Penelope's crappy meddling), and then Toni and Cheryl kiss in front of the silver screen and IT IS AMAZING! 

The Grown-Ups

After all of the drama, Alice finally sees the light and asks Chic to move out because he is t-r-o-u-b-l-e. Chic is weirdly sweet about it, and Alice and Betty make up. And Alice is now 100% Team Southside! And I bet you anything that she and FP are ON.

Also this mayoral race is still happening, whatever. But Mary is wonderful and supportive to Fred and reads Archie the riot act AGAIN, not that he ever cares or listens. Also some stuff happens with Hiram that I refuse to recap.

The Clues

You're joking, right?

Outfit MVP

It SUCKS that I hate Veronica and Archie so much, because I would truly love an excuse to wear this ****adorable shirt****! 

Mary Andrews Is All Of Us

The Only Archie Storyline I Will Allow This Week

Burning Questions

What's it going to take for Riverdale's second season to get back on track? We're near the end here, and the second half has suffered the worst sophomore slump I've seen on a quality show in years. We need a mystery, we need B&V friendship, we need a protagonist we don't want to PUNCH IN THE FACE EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Aaaaaaand we need Carrie the Musical, so at least we know that's coming.

What's Coming

Carrie the Musical! This episode ends with Cheryl turning dark on a dime and saying "THIS SCHOOL WILL BURN" so I'm already highly invested. If this doesn't right the wheels, nothing will.

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Meredith Borders's photo About the Author: Meredith Borders is a brewpub owner and freelance writer/editor living in Houston. Her dog's middle name is Hermione, and she makes purse decisions based almost entirely on their capacity to hold books.
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