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FYA Watches IRREPLACEABLE YOU

Suggested alternative title: Replaceable As F--k.

FYA Watches IRREPLACEABLE YOU

It's not like Mandy W. and FYA friend Sarah Hannah Gómez (@shgmclicious), who can be found at shgmclicious.com and other places on the internet, sought out another hate-watch after they got cheersmacked. But maybe they just have a knack for finding shitty things to watch together.

(Watch Irreplaceable You on Netflix, if you'd like to suffer along with the commentary.)

Mandy:
OOOH SEXYTIMES.

Hannah:
Why is he so good at accents? Isn't he Danish?

Mandy:
I totally blanked on his last name, but thankfully Google knew who I was thinking of when I looked up 'Michiel'. And he's Dutch!

Hannah:
I still don't know how to pronounce it. Mih-shee-el? Mih-sheel?

Mandy:
#1 is how I pronounce it in my head. That might be too much French flourish.

Hannah:
Yeah, it's hard. Do you remember that he was on Nashville?

Mandy:
YES, stupid hat Liam on Nashville.

Mandy:
OMGGGG BABY ACTORS.

Hannah:
Ooooh cuuuuute. "What's monogamous?" Nobody is not poly anymore.

Mandy:
I only recognized Baby Michiel because they gave him big ass glasses. Because, you know, that's a lifelong trait.

Hannah:
I am already ded. He's so adorbs.

Mandy:
Just like Gugu's character, already dead. AHAHHAHA she's a biter.

Hannah:
Good girl, biting his shoulder.

Mandy:
She's also good at accents. Those talented Europeans.

Hannah:
Oh good point. But he has done like 'Murican, American south, English, probably others.

Mandy:
Why wasn't this just set in Europe? Like, fuck -- let them be sexy in their natural accents.

Hannah:
Kind of like why isn't The Maze Runner set in England when fucking everybody is British except like one person.

Mandy:
HE LOOKS LIKE SUCH A DORK. The lack of facial hair is unreal. Gugu looks gorgeous. I mean, she always does, but it needed saying.

Hannah:
Oh I forgot isn't he also Canadian in Orphan Black?

Mandy:
Yes, he wears a lot of flannel.

Hannah:
I hate both of them because they're in love and because they're the most attractive couple even though he looks terrible. Michiel looking terrible is other people's best day.

Mandy:
I think he's at a disadvantage for me since I first knew him as Nashville Liam and that character was such a douche.

Hannah:
Yes, I knew him first in Nashville as well. Gahd that show was so good until it went to CMT and got super Christian and Connie Britton died.

Mandy:
WHAT IS THIS CONVERSATION, talking about gypsies and 'what if I was a dude'. Not very woke, you guys,

Hannah:
Oh I know right? Like, "Roma," hello, and you don't "become gay".

Mandy:
Their apartment is gorgeous, but it looks like a nightmare to dust with all that open shelving.

OMG MICHIEL IS DEAD TO ME; hazelnut is great. The answer to which wedding cake to get is clearly chocolate hazelnut.

Hannah:
if somebody had a hazelnut cake I'd be like "FINALLY a wedding without a shitty cake that has bits of fucking fruit in it"

Mandy:
I'm glad that we're on the same page re: cake flavours, even though it's unsurprising since we both like tasty foods. UNLIKE MICHIEL.

UGH THEY'RE SO CUTE TOGETHER. I did see some review headlines that were like this movie is nooooot deserving of them, so I'm bracing for the pain.

Hannah:
Wait I'm finally looking at him with normal lighting and he actually looks terrible. Oh yeah it's already terrible but I'm here for it if you are.

Mandy:
OF COURSE. We watched Cheersmack together; we can do anything.

Mandy:
Her top is fun.

Hannah:
What a dork she is. I guess anybody who falls in love by biting someone in like third grade and then never actually *dates* anyone ever is going to wear dork clothes. Both of them.

Mandy:
It's a DRESS.

Hannah:
Oooh that's even dorkier.

Mandy:
Why are they sitting so far apart? Why is she roaming alone? Oh, it's for a dramatic shot. Which is even worse.

Hannah:
SHE NEEDS A MINUTE, MANDY.

Mandy:
But like, BE THERE FOR HER, MICHIEL. LET HER CRY INTO YOUR LOVING ARMS.

If they've been together since they were 8 and her tombstone said 1986 to 2017, that's like... 25 years until they're ENGAGED?

Hannah:
Oh shit, ouch omg. I hate this movie.

Mandy:
How dare this movie waste its potential.

Mandy:
Omg this is like the worst medical treatment ever.

Hannah:
That hospital room looks like the kind of hospital room they have in movies when someone is actually in a different dimension or in bertween death and life.

That hair comment. Unacceptable.

Mandy:
WTFSHUT UP GUY. Worst nurse ever.

Hannah:
Omg she is wearing the same dress.

Mandy:
And coat! Wait, it's 6 freaking weeks later.

Hannah:
She is the first person in a movie that has a normal person's wardrobe.

Mandy:
KATE MCKINNON.

Hannah:
This is quite the support group.

Mandy:
Christopher Walken! What the fuck?

Hannah:
Kate my HERO and Christopher Walken the underrated dancer. Remember when Walken was in Peter Pan Live?

Mandy:
How did all these people get roped into this shit show? And also, the support group leader is someone too and with an accent.

Hannah:
Yes he's that guy. He was in Hamlet 2, that asshole.

Thank gahd for Kate's levity.

Mandy:
Does this movie want to be a comedy?

Hannah:
it doesn't know, Mandy. it doesn't know.

Mandy:
CLEARLY. HA HA DEATH HA HA CANCER.

I like to think Christopher Walken wasn't given a script. He's just freestyling.

Hannah:
He and Kate both are, most definitely.

Mandy:
There's like a really drab quality to the movie. Like, visually. Even with Gugu's bright clothes and all.

Hannah:
Yeah, why all this light? Making everything dark? I don't understand light science.

Mandy:
Only Gugu's face is unscathed. This movie made everything else less attractive.

Hannah:
ACCURATE.

"Keep up with your glasses". The hipster concern to end all hipster preoccupations.

Mandy:
I was going to criticize 'Who uses online dating anyway' but now I can call her out for slut-shaming, YAY. But I guess she only ever bit guys to woo them, so I get her being out of the loop about online dating. And not just the screenwriter being out of the loop.

Mandy:
Is this supposed to be New York? Like a New York apartment is what we're seeing?

Hannah:
I think it's going to be surprise Madison, Wisconsin or something.

Mandy:
There was like an establishing skyline shot, but I didn't recognize anything because I'm clueless. And then there were like some street shots, but I'm shit at identifying stuff. I just assume everything's NYC since that's the lazy and easy thing that movies do.

Mandy:
I like how Walken is there to explain the thesis of the movie.

Hannah:
We're getting old if Walken is getting old enough to be the wise old man instead of the guy who may or may not be in the mob.

Mandy:
Well, I mean, movie characters are like default our age now. Gugu and Michiel's characters are 1986s. Pretty soon, they'll be younger than us.

Hannah:
Omg.

Mandy:
Next stop, death.

Hannah:
Sometimes I look at things and I'm like, "Holy shit, I'm so fucking old, everything I recall fondly is 15-20 years old."

Hannah:
"I'm sick." "I don't think that makes you special in this context." Well, that's going to be on the IMDb quotes page.

Mandy:
I did notice that Gugu's character did look a little less glam as the movie's gone on, like they're making an effort to show her being sick.

Hannah:
But is her hair thinning out?

Mandy:
WAIT, these women are fine with his wife screening them for him? WHAT IN THE FUCK.

THANK YOU, random woman without a name, for pointing this out. But like... I would never agree to meet someone else's proxy, wtf. It's dire out there in the dating world, but even I have a line.

This movie loves its montages. SLUT SHAMING AGAIN.

Hannah:
EVERYONE IS POLY NOW.

Mandy:
A MAN WROTE THIS.

Hannah:
A man definitely wrote this.

Mandy:
Maybe multiple men.

Hannah:

Oh shit, points for racial microaggression and calling her his assistant. Oh damn, finally a correct reaction.

Mandy:
That was probably an accident, the microaggression thing.

Hannah:
Probs.

Mandy:
OMG PLOT TWIST: a woman wrote this! It's her first ever credit.

Hannah:
Wowwww. Well, gotta break in somehow.

Mandy:
This was also directed by a woman. LADIES, YOU'RE NOT HELPING THE CAUSE.

Mandy:
Ever since Christopher Walken's shown up, Michiel has like disappeared.

Hannah:
Good point. He's a supporting actor.

Mandy:
Like, I can barely invest in a couple if they're not together onscreen. Unless PLOT TWIST, she falls in love with Christopher Walken.

Hannah:
Maybe that's on purpose. He knew this was a disaster, but he was also like, that girl is SMOKIN'.

Mandy:
This kitchen is giving me anxiety. SO MUCH OPEN SHELVING. SO MUCH DUSTING. I got doors for my bookcases to avoid precisely that.

MAKE OUT.

Hannah:
Mandy. What if.

Mandy:
BONE.

Hannah:
What if this movie gets really fucking cheesy. And what if. WHAT IF. That tombstone at the beginning was like, "Goodbye Abby's cancer, WE BEAT YOU"?

Mandy:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA. That's like fucking dramatic to get a cancer tombstone. But I guess if you beat cancer, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Hannah:
I'm putting my money on that. Actually, no I'm not. Also, what Kate Hudson movie is it where she's dying and at the end she watches her own funeral from beyond, possibly with a wise black woman by her side?

Mandy:
Was it Kate Hudson? I know Reese did a 'she died' movie, didn't she?

Hannah:
She did, with Mark Ruffalo. But Kate definitely did one. Reese Witherspoon would never watch her own funeral peacefully.

Mandy:
How is this a subgenre? Dead blonde white women movies.

Hannah:
A Little Bit of Heaven. I believe Reese's movie is Just Like Heaven?

Mandy:
OMG Gael Garcia Bernal was in that?! (The Kate one.)

Hannah:
Yes. I know, right? I am hanging my head sadly with you.

Mandy:
Whoopi is God.

Hannah:
I knew there was a black woman. Black people are always G-d when it's a comedy.

Mandy:
HUH, although the first example I thought of was Alanis as God in Dogma, so there she goes, stealing a black person's job.

Peter Dinklage was in there, too?

Hannah:
Oh wow, didn't remember that. Why can't we have nice things?

Mandy:
Because of bait and switch shit like this, that seems like it should be a no-brainer home run but ALAS.

Hannah:
Wait. How did they promote this movie and somehow make us think he would be his fully attractive self in this movie? He looks like Lee Pace. Who is attractive, but not as attractive as Michiel.

Mandy:
OMG I would love it if there was a makeover montage, and he basically becomes real Michiel: ditch the glasses and grow out the hairs.

Mandy:
What is this seedy underground club vibe here? OMG they're watching it like a stakeout? This movie is the weirdest damn thing.

Hannah:
Is this actually a joke? Like, they are hitting all the different subgenres of romcom and rom-tearfest? All the tropes?

Mandy:
But also still not really deciding which one it is, so it's tonally fucked up. Like, pick a lane and stay in it. You want to be sappy Nicholas Sparks bullshit? LEAN INTO IT.

Mandy:
Like WAIT, the coffee shop girl is into him? That's AWFUL; she knows all about Gugu's plan.

Hannah:
Why didn't we see this coming? Of course.

Mandy:
What? Good night? She said New York!

Hannah:
OH NO.

Mandy:
OH SNAP.

Hannah:
She's spilling it.

Mandy:
OK, so maybe slightly better than her being into Michiel, but also no bueno.

But also like.. 'OH it's so romantic to try to set up your spouse with their next chick'. That's so weird.

Hannah:
Oooh, trace of an accent.

Mandy:
Yelling etc. seems to be harder for accents. Omg he's struggling.

Hannah:
We have unlocked an interesting fact. Passion is not good for acting. Point against method acting, I guess.

Mandy:
It kind of makes sense, since yelling requires kind of being out of control and SO MUCH EMOTING. But yeah, JUST LET THEM HAVE ACCENTS. Even if it wasn't set in Europe, why the fuck not.

I think it also doesn't feel like New York to me because there seems to be so few people around.

Hannah:
Word. Like I could see Chicago?

Mandy:
Does Gugu have no pre-cancer friends?

Hannah:
She has the one from work? At a bookstore?

Mandy:
OH RIGHT. But she only hangs out with Walken now. I mean, I don't blame her.

She loves that coat. I like bright colours, so I'm into it. But she owns one coat. In the giant apartment full of dishware.

Hannah:
Some people have priorities. For example, I have no interest in a master bedroom suite that's super fancy. But I need a separate bath and shower, with a bath i can actually lounge in, and a great kitchen.

Mandy:
Fair.

Mandy:
Sooooo now Michiel is in on the dating plan. They're going to swipe on girls for him together.

Hannah:
Wow.

Mandy:
How romantic.

Hannah:
His profile! it looks like him. But why did they do this to his hair?

Mandy:
IS HER HAIR FALLING OUT?

Hannah:
Omg literally this moment I was typing about her hair. We are so in sync. Or you are like four seconds ahead of me, because I thought this question before I saw her in her closet.

Mandy:
OK I thought you were ahead at one point because I didn't pay attention to his profile pic, so I was like WHAAAT?

Hannah:
Oh lol. I meant his literal profile.

Mandy:
OHHHH.

Hannah:
Omg! I have asked to become a tree when I die! But it's a cremation thing, not curling up into a ball.

Mandy:
OMG that'd be kind of cool.

Hannah:
Like, take my organs first, obviously. But if they're no good, send me to med school. But if they don't want me, tree.

Mandy:
I'm also into cremation. I don't need my corpse taking up space. Although yeah, I guess if it can help science 'n shit, sure. Again, I'll be dead and not care.

Mandy:
I like how the default for sickly cancer patient is just a lot of dark panda eyes. I mean, I guess it's a lot/unhealthy to ask actors to drop a lot of weight for authenticity. But like, contouring exists.

Hannah:
Word.

Mandy:
I like that Michiel mentions needing money for her treatments. THANK YOU for a sliver of realism. Especially since we've established that this is foolishly set in the U.S.

Hannah:
"Dead ex". What about "late fiancée"?

Mandy:
Omg there's still half an hour left.

Hannah:
Jesus. it's gone by so fast and so slowly, all at the same time.

Mandy:
OMG MICHIEL YOU GOTTA STOP. NOOOOO COFFEE SHOP GIRL.

Hannah:
Are they going to have sex? Fuck. No.

Mandy:
This is Ross and Rachel all over again.

Hannah:
Never has a more accurate comparison been made.

Hannah:
Her hair is gone!

Mandy:
OHHHHH DANG. Nope, the hair's still there.

Hannah:
Wow. Luckiest chemo patient ever. Also why is she quitting if she doesn't have to yet?

Mandy:
Why is he fucking other women if he doesn't have to yet?

Hannah:
Did he just say "Remember us on Yelp"?

Mandy:
This movie is so damn weird. This is such a waste of everybody involved.

Mandy:
DID WALKEN DIE?

Hannah:
Nooooooo.

Mandy:
Or is that a euphemism? It's going to be a freaking euphemism, 'he left us'?

Hannah:
Shit just got real. She can finally grieve for herself because she is grieving for him.

Mandy:
OK FINE he's actually dead. And Jewish.

Hannah:
Wait Walken was actually Jewish? I thought he was just saying mishegas because everybody knows that word, Jew or not.

Mandy:
OMG did you see that correction that some newspaper had to print, that 'sitting shiva' was written as 'sit and shiver'?

Hannah:
Oh sweet lord. I wish I had.

Mandy:
It was an AP story (even worse!).

Hannah:
Oh no.

Hannah:
Wow, she is putting Gugu in her place.

Mandy:
Walken and Walken-adjacent characters exist only to explain the plot.

Hannah:
This is like writing 101. Well, probably second semester writing. But wow. Don't have magic plot explainers! Duh!

Wait have they been like broken up for a minute? I'm confused.

Mandy:
Again, the movie (YA novel? adaptation of our YA novel?) that we'll write together will be much better.

Hannah:
Ohhh fuck yeah, we are doin that.

Mandy:
She didn't plan his whole future; she catfished some women and told Siri to teach him how to cook chicken -- which he himself can also do, since she apparently doesn't know how to cook chicken either.

WHAT THE FUCK. Who thought of this movie? Like. How was this a story that someone was like, YES THIS NEEDS TO BE TOLD?

Hannah:
Did they maybe sign Gugu and Michiel to some kind of blanket Netflix contract?

Mandy:
HOW DID YOU FUCK UP A ROM-COM WITH GUGU AND MICHIEL?

I was just randomly thinking of A Walk to Remember because that was a sad girl cancer movie, and how Mandy Moore was all frail and shit at her wedding. Gugu's still pretty spry.

Hannah:
Omg Mandy. What's going to happen is she'll die the day before the wedding or at the wedding, or at least collapse at it. And it will be the beginning of a very quick end.

Mandy:
How did she bite so hard that she broke skin and he required SIX STITCHES?!?! That's like piranha teeth.

Hannah:
Omg dude I forgot about that. Kids who break skin are serious biters.

I'm hungry and want dinner.

Mandy:
OH GIRL how are you alive?!? You, I mean, not Gugu for once.

Hannah:
I've been busy watching a movie with my very good friend!

Mandy:
11 more minutes!

Hannah:
Is she dying rn? Is that it?

Mandy:
Probs. She knows you're hungry.

Hannah:
They just needed to dance.

Hannah:
Oh no.

Mandy:
SOLEMN RINGS. OMG.

Hannah:
Didn't I tell you? Die the night before the wedding.

Mandy:
YOU FUCKING CALLED IT.

Hannah:
Wait.

Mandy:
UM DID NOT ONE BOTHER TO CHECK IF SHE'S ALIVE?

Hannah:
Where is the venue? Their apartment? So she's alive?

Mandy:
Has she been dead the whole time? That would be amazing.

Hannah:
Oh wait, it's now shiva.

Mandy:
IS SHE ALREADY DEAD?

Hannah:
It's a wedding turned shiva.

Mandy:
OMG OMG WHAT WO

Hannah:
That is the saddest of sad things.

Mandy:
Jesus. Like I'm sure this would be much sadder if I gave a fuck for these characters, too. But GODDAMN this is dark. WOW JESUS.

Hannah:
Yeah, I could be crying right now. But I'm not because fuck this movie. Bitch you bought what was probably a thousand-dollar dress just to fuck with someone emotionally. You already spent your savings on a ring for a dead girl.

Mandy:
And they were like, THAT WAS ALL OUR GODDAMN MONEY ALREADY.

Hannah:
Exactly! What is the point of this movie though? I have learned nothing. it's not about letting go. it's not about loving life.

Mandy:
Yeah, what the fuck is this movie?

Hannah:
Oh fuck no. Credits? And a fucking easter egg?

Mandy:
LET IT DIE.

Hannah:
He's going to find letters all over their house for the rest of his life.

Mandy:
It's like the world's worst scavenger hunt.

Hannah:
I'd go to the grave and kill someone over again if they did that to me.

Yeah, I am convinced this was a thing where they were strangled by a contract and were required to do some movie or another. I hope the title of this post is "We Watched This Movie So You Don't Have To, except you will have to watch it while reading this transcript in order to understand it".

Mandy:
At least with Cheersmack, we knew there'd be no redeeming qualities. This one WASTED GUGU AND MICHIEL BEING IN LOVE AND ADORABLE.

HANNAH, GO EAT. AND LIVE, so that we may watch more shitty movies together in the future.

Hannah:
I AM SO ANGRY AT THIS MOVIE I DON'T THINK I CAN EVEN CONSUME FOOD.

Oh lord Kate is singing. Love it.

Mandy:
Oh, I stopped the movie. OMG Netflix thinks I would love this movie, HOW FUCKING DARE IT.

Hannah:
What. I don't even remember what it's called.

Mandy:
Irreplacable You, ironically.

Hannah:
Oh shit. Fuck that title, how dare they. I'm still watching the credits because there is definitely going to be an In Memoriam at the end.

Mandy:
OR ONE LAST POST-IT.

Hannah:
Or both!

Mandy:
God, we should have known we were in trouble once this movie made Michiel shave and get a haircut. I mean, even Liam from Nashville was like smarmy hot.

Hannah:
Oh word. I was into him.

Mandy:
This guy was like.... nothing. Like dorky cute sometimes, but very lukewarm and milquetoast.

Hannah:
I was even into him in Wild, and that movie was not worth anyone's time.

I can't believe I got through this whole thing without alcohol. Okay, homework and microwaving some panang!

Mandy:
Good plan! And good chat as always, even if the movies we pick are not!

Mandy Wan's photo About the Author: Residing in Edmonton, AB, Mandy unabashedly loves YA lit, frozen desserts, and terrible puns.