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RIVERDALE 3x12: Bizarrodale

Supporting characters, assemble!

RIVERDALE 3x12: Bizarrodale
Previously, on Riverdale

Archie went off the rails, but Josie was there to get him back on track. Jughead discovered Hermione and FP were behind Hiram’s shooting, and Betty investigated Penelope Blossom at RIverdale’s premier sex club. Read our recap here.

The Rundown

This week’s episode delves deep into the lives of our favorite “featured players,” and puts the main characters on the back burner for a bit. New relationships bloom, while old ones are tested by inside and outside forces.

The Teens

Kevin and Moose are keeping their relationship under wraps even though they’ve been together since the summer. Moose is scared to come out to his dad, and it breaks Kevin’s heart. Cheryl spots him moping and we get yet ANOTHER Bumble ad. Seriously?! This product placement is too much! Are they going to start drinking Vitamin Water at Pop’s now? Maybe they can get an *actual* candy company to sponsor the next big drug craze in town. Personally, I vote for Sour Brite Crawlers.

Cheryl and Toni are the picture of bliss. They’re crazy about one another and it shows!

Leave it to Penelope to rain on their parade. She’s on the board of Cheryl’s chosen college, and has donated enough money that she can keep them from admitting her. The blatant bigotry on display here seems awfully cruel, even for Penelope. Fired up, Cheryl starts a LGBTQIA alliance at Riverdale High. Great job! But...she also outs Moose via a pretty transparent blind item over the intercom in the same breath. One step forward, two steps back.

Moose doesn’t have much of a choice other than telling his dad he’s gay, but it goes well, and he agrees to be Kevin’s date to the reception for his dad’s wedding. Now that they’re “going steady,” it’s finally time for them to take their turn christening the bunker bed. As Cheryl says, it’s probably a smart idea to change those sheets. If those bunker walls could talk...

Meanwhile, Hermione’s decided that Veronica gets to take full ownership of the mess she made by burning all the drugs the seller had already paid for. La Bonne Nuit’s not raking it in, so Reggie wants to steal the money from his dad’s car dealership. These two are very into heists, it must be their foreplay. Reggie’s dad is a jerk so I can’t pretend to be upset that he’s getting ripped off. Too bad he’s a well-prepared jerk, cause Reggie gets shot by a security guard! But, like, in the arm. Archie’s basically regenerated his entire body like Wolverine at this point, so this is at best a minor inconvenience. Also the bag of cash had a dye pack in it. CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OVER HERE.

Cheryl and Toni have a huge fight about her outing Moose. I’m glad that Cheryl’s got someone like Toni to call her on her crap, and to get her to acknowledge her privilege. She’s so focused on getting into this perfect college that she doesn’t even see that Toni is still not over having to give up the Serpents, who were the only accepting family she’s known. In what I can only assume is...growth? on Cheryl’s part, she not only apologizes profusely but also goes out of the way to try to make things right. She gives up her one-on-one interview at the college and cedes the time to Toni. But she also, like, decides to start a girl gang for Toni? It’s so sweet! They all already have a very specific look, I’m super into it.

 

The Grownups

(Former) Sheriff Keller and (Former) Mayor McCoy are getting married, and based on what we see of their bedroom antics here, Good! For! Her!

 

They get a weird letter from the Gargoyle King saying they need to resurrect the Midnight Club, and they do so, reluctantly. They’re told to return to where the whole thing started and finish the game of Griffins and Gargoyles. Penelope brings an antidote to cyanide? Seems questionable! I wouldn’t drink a damn thing that woman brewed up. When all is said and done, the whole thing has been a ruse to distract them from keeping an eye on their children, who are ALL getting down and dirty until the ultimate parental cock block phone tree begins.

Fortunately everyone is safe except our bunker boys. The Gargoyle gang finds them and kidnaps them. You may say, but haven’t we caught the Gargoyle King already, and isn’t he dead? You’d be right! This time, the mantle was taken up by the RROTC under the leadership of Moose’s father. He’s got his own messed-up story about same-sex attraction (to Sheriff Keller, I mean, who among us can judge, right) that led him to conversion therapy at the Sisters. He only wanted to scare the boys. It’s a sad story, and it only gets sadder when Moose decides to skip town after the dust settles.

Jughead’s mom Gladys returns to Riverdale with Jellybean in tow. Turns out, Gladys was the mysterious buyer that Hermione had for all of Hiram’s Fizzle Rocks and various drug paraphernalia. She cuts the kids some slack for being short, but I get the idea she’s not the kind of woman that one wants to owe for too long. She shows up unannounced at Chez Jones and tells FP and Jughead that they’ll be staying in town for a while. We get what we think is an adorable picture of family bonding for about five minutes, but their motives aren’t pure. Gladys and Jellybean are playing the Jones Boys like fiddles. 

Outfit MVP

Josie McCoy, you may not have aced that Juilliard interview, but at least you *look* like a star. I loved all of her looks this episode!

 

 

A Fine Line

With this week focusing on two of my favorite quippy characters, I could never choose between them. So I won’t.

“Well, someone looks like they could use an epaulet to cry on.” - Cheryl, to Kevin, casually being iconic

“I can’t keep playing Brokeback Riverdale with someone who’s in the closet!” - I just want true love for my grown teen son Kevin

Burning Questions

They seriously cancelled a party in Riverdale? Is this a sign of the end times?

Will Kevin ever get to be happy for more than five minutes?

 

What’s Coming


What did you think of this week’s brief sojourn from the core cast? Let me know in the comments!

 

   

 

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Categories: Tubin' Tags: cwriverdale
Kate Pranger's photo About the Author: Kate has fallen asleep before the end of every movie she’s ever watched after 9:00 pm, yet can often be found reading into the wee hours of the morn. She is a lifelong Arkansan, and works for the state at a generic desk job. She spends most of her days wishing she were at happy hour with the rest of her LRFYA lit fam, talking about The Raven Cycle and Sarah J. Maas. Her cats rule the roost.