It's a'me! Rosemary! I'm covering for Kate this week and next while she plays the role of "a broad abroad" (she's in Europe). I'm just going to be totally honest with y'all: I haven't watched Riverdale since, like, season one. And a catch-up binge was not in the stars for me, unfortunately, so I've decided to LEAN IN to the fact that I have no idea what's going on in the whackadoodle town of Riverdale and hope for the best. LOL LET'S DO THIS.
Hiram Lodge was in the hospital, and someone tried to murder him, but Archie saved the day! You go, Arch-Co-Co! They make a deal not to make moves against each other, but then, wait! An old man is......BRANDING Archie? Dear god what have I missed? Archie is the ?Red Paladin? and someone wants to sacrifice him. And FP is a COP? I thought he was a drug dealer?! Wow, okay. But Jughead is still in a gang though, and he's going to deputize the Serpents in an attempt to clean up the mean streets of Riverdale. Meanwhile, Betty's mom sold their house but I guess Betty wasn't into that idea because she set the place on fire. And Gina Gershon is in town - a quick Google search tells me she is Jughead's mom, but she's throwing bags of money and making deals with Veronica and NuReggie (hello, NuReggie, meow mami!), and it's pretty clear that Mama Jones and little Jellybean are up to no good.
PHEW. ::Catches breath::
Keeping Up With the Joneses
FP's turning 50 (ouch, that hurts) and the Jones family is pretending to be normal and functional. They take a field trip to Betty's house because, uh, surprise! Jughead's mom bought it. Jughead is sweet and offers to let Betty just stay in her room and live with them, but she thinks that is a bad idea and will probably crash at Veronica's. Juggy is WAY skeptical of his mom throughout all of this. Buying a house is permanent. That partciular house is a little too on the nose. And where'd she get the money, anyway? But Gladys assures him she's trying to get her life together and make them a family again.
That night, Alice shows up at the police station to chat with FP I feel like they might be sleeping together but that's just from context clues--oh, oh wait, no, turns out that was spot on because Alice asks FP if he loves her, and he tearfully ends things with her because Gladys is back. To keep his mind off it, he stays busy by putting the Serpents through deputy training. He seems pretty happy with his lot, but as he's driving around in the cruiser with Juggy they get a call that a Fizzle Rocks junkie flipped out at the diner, and FP fears that someone's looking to reopen the candy store. (I'm just assuming that *any* of this makes sense to you all.)
Speakyeasy Does It
In my absence, it appears that Veronica has opened a teen speakeasy and is mixed up in a bit of trouble with Jughead's mom. NuReggie asks if he can be her business partner, but she turns him down, attempting to pay him a decent wage instead, which only seems to offend him even more. He gets caught red-handed trying to steal his car back from Gladys, and finally tells Veronica that he wants to be more to her than a casual hookeup. He's given up everything for her and needs something in return. Veronica is at the ready: she's bought his car back from Gladys so now they're even stevens. You can tell from the look on his face that this is not what NuReggie had in mind. (OMG Veronica what are you doing have you seen that guy's FACE?)
Speaking of the speakeasy, it looks like Toni Toni Toni has a job there and is also dating-slash-living with Cheryl. But there's trouble in paradise between these two, and after Cheryl shows up one night in full eveningwear regalia to case the joint, Toni catches her trying to break into the safe after hours. All the sneaking around must've turned them on because they get down and dirty in the backroom for awhile. After, Toni admits that living with Cheryl is not what's best for her and ends things between them. This sends Cheryl into a rage spiral, so she calls Kevin the next day and tells him they'll be doing Heathers for this year's musical.
Big Paladin Energy
Jughead's found another "Kill the Red Paladin" card. It appears that Hiram printed 12 of these Kill Archie Quest Cards and had them distributed as some sort of epic challenge to Gryphons & Gargoyles players around town. This plotline is bonkers even for Riverdale. So, yeah, there are 12 obsessive board game players all vying for the opportunity to murder Archie, so he, Betty and Jughead attempt to track down the rest of the cards. Jughead comes up with an idea to pretend to be the "Gargoyle King" and add a game of King of the Mountain to this quest, inviting all these gargoyles to come fight the Red Paladin face-to-face.
Archie secures a boxing gym from Hiram (convenient!) for his Gargoyle Fright Night as Jughead sends the Serpents out to spread the word, while simultaneously asking them to keep their ears perked for word on who is reviving the drug trade. It doesn't take long before a group of dudes in antlers and capes show up to fight Archie (who must have been attacked by a werewolf sometime since season 1, judging by his chest scars). Cut to a ten minute interlude of Archie beating the crap out of a bunch of dudes in dragon costumes. Finally, after he's defeated 11 of the 12 card holders, Captain Golightly (lol), Archie's old captain, shows up. It's not looking great for Archie, but he manages a stealth uppercut in the end and wins the fight.
The next day, Archie tells Hiram that the quest is finished, and Hiram lets him keep the gym as a "sorry I quested a bunch of gamers to kill you" gift. He says no strings attached but LOL the entire town of Riverdale is literally hanging by strings attached to other people's questionable secrets so that'll come back around I'm sure.
Keeping Up With the Joneses, Part Deux
The Serpents report back the bad news: Gladys moved to town to take the drug trade from Hiram. Jughead confronts her immediately, and she says she's doing it for him, to take care of her family, and if Jughead tells FP, it'll ruin him for good. So Juggy and Betty show up at FP's 50th Speakeasy Birthday Extravaganza with Juggy feeling majorly torn. ((Oh god, there's Luke. Sob!))
<3 <3 <3
Jughead gets up to make a speech and he's clearly thinking he's about to spill some tea. He makes a lovely speech about how his dad would do anything for them and FP has tears of pride in his eyes. "There's something you need to know about this family," Jughead says. There's a very long and very dramatic pause before he finishes, "We'll always be there for you." But of course, Jughead is not going to let his mom win and he plans to run Gladys out of town for good.
A Fine Line
Betty: "What, like Fizzle Rocks? I thought all that stuff was gone now."
Veronica: "It was but Like Gloria Swanson, it's getting ready for a comeback."
"The Gargoyle King came here? To the back of a comic store?" - Betty, perfectly panned.
"I need to focus my rage, therefore this year's musical is Heathers." - Cheryl
My burning questions have nothing to do with cliffhangers and everything to do with whatever the hell I just watched. Fizzle Rocks?! Gryphons and Gargoyles? Hiram Lodge announcing a quest for horned board game players to murder Archie? And yet the biggest mystery of all is how FP became the freaking SHERIFF OF RIVERDALE. I am so confused.
I have one sentence and one sentence only for next week: "Heathers is being used to indoctrinate students into a cult."
HECK YEAH, SEE Y'ALL NEXT WEEK!
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