Archie pulls a Shawshank!

"Don't you...forget about me." - The Gargoyle King

RIVERDALE really pushes the boundaries of “willing suspension of disbelief” in regards to the criminal justice system.

Now with 100% more twists. 

Time flies when you're having fun on the brink of extinction.

It's been said before, and we'll say it again, but HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS. 

So THAT’S what happened.

You know that moment when you realize someone’s completely insane? Yeah ...

Blodreina in a coma, I know, I know, it's seeeeerious. 

These new shows are coming soon (maybe) to a TV screen near you.

Who knew algae could be so interesting? (Monty, that's who.)

In which we (finally) get some quality Monty time.

We’re running low on humans, show.

Humans and zombies living together ... mass hysteria!

Where’s Ripley when you need her?

Is it weird if we wouldn't mind being kidnapped? There's Tom Collins mix!

That was a LOT.

Just because you finally see sunshine doesn't mean that things are looking sunny. 

We’re all just meat with a spark.

RIVERDALE burns as we learn the Black Hood's identity. (For real this time.) (Sort of.)

*SQUEALS*

In which Liv on cop brain gives the show a chance to use every cop movie reference they’ve apparently been saving up for the last four years.

Who else is ready for Hermione and Veronica to team up against Hiram? Because OH MY GOD HE IS AN ACTUAL MONSTER.

Octavia truly becomes the Commander, and we get our first major death of the season (yay!). 

To ride. To ride!

Veronica rescues Archie when Hiram won't, Cheryl vows to find Midge's killer, and Betty makes a deal with one devil in order to get rid of another.

Six years and seven days later ...

Is Liv on LARPer brain verily the worst?

Carrie The Musical has arrived! And fixed every single thing that was bugging us about S2! 

Did you check out the latest post on Wet Willie’s Sensitive Tips?

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes... Is surely how long it takes to bake cinnamon brain rolls in a toaster oven.

The curtains close on a kiss, god knows! 

The lack of strong salad in this episode was a major disappointment.

Human-Zombie Night is the best night of the week.

Clifford Blossom's will reading throws Riverdale into turmoil.

The seedy underbelly of Zombieland Seattle rears its ugly head.

Our favorite foursome head to a Cabin in the Woods for the weekend. What could possibly go wrong?

This week reveals some fractures in the Team Z relationships. At least Ravioli are forever!

Seattle’s survived the zombie outbreak, but the promised utopia is feeling some strain.

We're calling it now: Cheryl Blossom will single-handedly be responsible for archery becoming a hot new trend. 

Oh hey Dark Betty. It's been a while.

RIVERDALE tests the waters of what it can make us care about with an episode entirely focused on high school wrestling and something called Picken's Day. 

The South Side and The North Side collide for good, and it goes about as well as the time that happened in U.S. history.

The Black Hood is finally unmasked!

FP's been sprung! And all our babies are broken up. 

Kissing girls and signing books and finding fresh heartbreak, oh my!

We're racing for pink slips this week! And, whew, our friends made up.

Lots to catch up on—so let's catch up!

This week, we learn you can’t be half a serpent. And that Betty's taste in ringtones is not beyond reproach.

This week had entirely too much Archie while giving us NO Josie, Pussycats, OR Cheryl Blossom. 

Only Riverdale would give us shirtless teen vigilantes. We're not mad at it.

MISSING: One Latin Lady Narrator, and any work that might have earned the return of Douche Rafael

The kids put their heads together for the worthiest of causes: to save Pop Tate’s. 

Introducing Adam Eduardo Alvaro, and his *very own personal narrator*

This season's entry into the rebooted soap opera genre has arrived.

Stock up on the Tabasco sauce.

It's back! And any doubts we've ever had about Cheryl Blossom heading for total world domination are ERASED. 

What TV shows are we still loving—and which are we ready to part ways with?

Let’s play a game of “marry/bang/kill” with some of the new TV shows of the fall season.

These new shows are (maybe) coming soon to a TV near you

The Aleutian Flu outbreak leads to some shockings changes in the Seattle scene.

The end of Always and Forever appears to be the beginning of six different Mikaelson spin-offs.

The penultimate episode features many kinds of bangs.

In which The Exorcist reboot plays out in the Mikaelson compound, which actually sounds about right.

Undercover reporters. Undercover zombies. Thankfully, they’re not keeping the abs undercover.

If only all of these knots were so easy to untie.

He used to call Liv on her cell phone.

Murder and Mayhem: A Mikaelson Family Reunion.

Long Live The Fellowship of the Dorks.

In the eye of a hurricane (there is love)

Dude. DUDE. Dude.

The Hollow demands a sacrifice, and her current choice is Elijah. WE WILL RIOT.

The Reaping is here.

Never too old for fairy tales: The FYA mantra

Team Z tackles The Case of the Missing Cure.

Dem bones, dem bones gonna walk around.

Change is coming to Riverdale, and our gang is in the thick of it.

This episode is brought to you by Trainspotting. Choose life!

Do ants have bones? (And other awkward questions)

Hashtag revelations!

Everyone is trying to stop The Hollow, but have they tried asking the smartest person in the room? (Hint: It's the 7 year-old.)

With one episode to go in its first season, we learn who killed Jason Blossom. 

It’s one “HOLY SHIZZ” moment after another.

Liv eats dominatrix brain, and there are some Major developments.

Well that's one way to kill a love triangle!

How do you celebrate a fake truce? With a fake party, obviously.

Can't anyone just invite people to dinner in this town without an ulterior motive? We're looking at you, Alice Cooper.

Forgotten how brutal The 100 writers can be? This episode will remind you.

Back in the proverbial (& drenched) saddle

Cold brains, hot goss.

Liv is preaching mindfulness, while Blaine’s mind is still a blank, and Ravi has clearly lost his mind.

The Hollow demands sacrifice, and it's going to taunt you until it gets one.

Happy birthday, Jughead! Well, birthday, at least. Maybe not a happy one.

Major on teen girl brains. We can’t even.

The season’s Big Bad is introduced, and it’s... a blue light special?

RIVERDALE's going all-out with this maple syrup thing, guys. 

Welcome to the Zombie World Order.

All of our friends in the DC 'verse go up against some pretty big bads this week, and Legion has its first season finale. Join us!

The Mikaelsons are at a crossroads, and there’s demonic magic on the loose. But at least there are mimosas!

We've got four families warring, just in time for Polly's baby shower.