Oh the dramz, THE DRAMZ!!!! What the cuss is going on with crazytown Kayleigh and sinister Heather?! Not to mention the most important mystery, The Case of Jacob’s New Muscles! Last week, y’all voted on: B.  investigate the crash. What if Jacob’s hurt?

So let’s head downstairs…

Chapter 07: To Make Things Totally Unsane, Turn To Page 87

You pound down the stairs, praying that whatever caused the crash did not involve Jacob’s adorable face. As you slide into the kitchen, you see an extremely freaked out Jacob leaning over Kayleigh, who is lying on the floor, surrounded by shards of glass.

“Ohmigod, what happened?!” you shriek as you run over and kneel across from Jacob, careful of the bits of glass littering the tile floor.

“I don’t know!” Jacob pants. “I… I was watching TV, and then I heard a crash, and then… I just… she was lying here. She won’t open her eyes! Should we call 911?” His voice breaks as his hand moves over Kayleigh’s face.

Fortunately, your safety-conscious dad has forced you to endure multiple first aid classes at the local community college, and you silently thank him (with an added apology for that one fight that ended with you sarcastically stating, “Gee, Dad, I really hope this class teaches me how to use that awesome new Band-aid technology I’ve been hearing about!”). You check Kayleigh’s pulse, which appears to be normal, and as you breath a small sigh of relief, her eyelids flutter open.

“Kayleigh! Thank God. Can you hear me? Kayleigh?” Jacob’s face, filled with frantic concern, looks even sweeter than it did five minutes ago, and you suddenly realize that you are a Terrible, Shallow, Very Bad Person because hello, your best friend is lying on the floor and you’re thinking about how grief might actually be an aphrodisiac? GAH, what is WRONG with you?

Kayleigh groans and tries to sit up, but you gently hold her shoulders to the floor. “Kayleigh, don’t try to move. You probably hit your head pretty hard on the floor.”

“No… I’m fine… Really,” she sighs, looking like a big fat liar given the fact that her face is whiter than your thighs during bathing suit season (summer is NOT your best look).

“How many fingers am I holding up?” Jacob asks, holding out his hand.

“Um… five.” Kayleigh replies, rubbing her forehead.

“What? Five?! Holy crap, I think she’s got a concussion. We gotta call an ambulance!” Jacob yells as he starts to stand up, slipping on some glass.

“Hold up, Dr. Professional,” you say, your mouth twisting into a smile. “Jake, you WERE holding up five fingers.”

“No, I wasn’t! Wait… I was? Um, oh.” Jacob kneels back down as his face flushes (seriously? what do they put in college dorm water?!) and he grins down at Kayleigh. “Sorry, sis, but you really freaked me out. What happened?”

“Nothing, honestly,” Kayleigh sighs. “I was just getting a glass of water and I guess I zoned out or something.”

“Zoned out? Seriously? Ok, you definitely need some air,” you say, as you begin to loosen the scarf around Kayleigh’s neck.

“NO!” Kayleigh shrieks, her hands flying up and grasping your wrists with surprising strength. “I told you, I’m FINE. Now just let me up already!”

No way are you letting Kayleigh up before you get the chance to ask her some questions about her recent candidacy for Queen of the Cray Cray. You summon up your skills of interrogation gained from countless episodes of Law & Order as you look over at Jacob and ask, “So, you wanna be the bad cop or the good cop?”

He cracks a smile and replies, “Dude, I’m the big brother. I’ve been like Die Hard on her ass my whole life. I’ll take Bad Cop.”

“Ok then, I’ll start with an easy question. Kayleigh, what is going on with you and Heather Cavendish?!” you ask, moving your hands away from her scarf.

“What do you mean? We’re friends. Gawd, jealous much?” Kayleigh starts to sit up, and you, as the good cop, let her lean against the kitchen cabinets.

“Yeah, um, that’s not gonna cut it, Slick,” Jacob replies. “Mom told me you’ve been, like, the Walking Dead around here. What, is she making you do stupid shit just to be popular? Is this some kind of Mean Girl hazing? Please don’t tell me you have to push someone in front of a bus.”

“No, of course not!” Kayleigh snaps. “Heather’s actually really cool once you get to know her. In fact,” her eyes narrow slightly as she looks over to you, “She wanted me to invite you to the party she’s having tomorrow night.”

You let out a snort before you realize that nasal sounds are actually NOT the way to attract members of the opposite sex, especially ones sitting directly across from you. “Heather wants ME to come to her party? Yeah right. What, is she gonna, like, dump blood all over me when I get there?”

Jacob laughs. “Actually, that would be awesome, cos then you could totally like engulf her house in flames and take down all of the popular kids with your psycho rage!”

“Yeah, totally,” you reply, too distracted by the fact that Kayleigh’s eyes widened when you mentioned “blood.”

“Ha ha, you guys,” Kayleigh rolls her eyes. “I’m being serious about Heather’s invite. And did I mention that Finn is going to be at the party?” She raises her eyebrows suggestively at you.

“Who’s Finn?” Jacob asks, and is that a jealous note you detect in his voice?

“He’s just some dumb jock,” you explain, “and it doesn’t really matter, cos the point is that you, Kayleigh, have been acting super weird, and you just collapsed, and you won’t even tell us what happened. Which means that even though I’m the Good Cop, you’re forcing me to do THIS.” Before Kayleigh can stop you, you reach over and rip off her scarf.

She screams and throws her hands against her neck, but not before you see some heinous bruising and… were those BITE marks? What in the name of Anne Rice is going on?!!!

“Kayleigh, what’s on your neck? Dude, CHILL OUT and let me see your neck!” Jacob begins grappling with Kayleigh, who suddenly appears very, very conscious. As you attempt to help him subdue her (thanks for the elbow jab, bestie!), you slowly become aware of an insistent knocking on the back door. You look up to the window pane and– wait, is that NEIL? Ok, honestly, when is yr alarm going to go off so you can call this whole thing a weird dream and swear never to eat a whole roll of cookie dough at midnight again?

In shock, you get up and open the door as Jacob calls out in protest (Kayleigh’s got some ninja wriggle moves). Before you can open your mouth to say “WTF,” Neil rushes past you, just as Jacob slides on a piece of glass, giving Kayleigh the chance to make a break for it. “Kayleigh! Stop! Wait!” Jacob regains his balance and runs after her towards the front door of the house.

You start to follow but then feel a hand (and sparks! Holy cow, the sparks!) on your arm. “Wait,” Neil says, his blue eyes boring holes into yours. “We need to talk.”

Do you:

A.  Stick around and try out your Good Cop (or, ahem, perhaps this calls for Bad Cop) skills on Neil.

B.  Run and hopefully help Jacob catch Kayleigh before anything else happens to her neck (or sanity).

C.  Run home and start Googling “Mysterious Neck Wounds.”

Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink.