This post was written by Henri Mazza.
Editor’s note: Welcome to the first installment of the new FYA series, “There’s a Boy In the Girls’ Bathroom!” Since this site is run by four ladies, we thought it would be fun to occasionally include a boy’s point of view, especially given that fact that most YA readers tend to be of the female persuasion. To launch our series, we invited Henri (a real live boy!) to engage in a debate with our v. own Erin on the world’s biggest controversy: PEETA OR GALE? Please note that Henri’s argument utilizes explicit language to make his point, so the following entry is not for the faint of heart! Basically, this is the kinda thing you could expect to hear from the dudes’ table in the high school cafeteria, and therefore, for the purposes of this entry, it is most definitely appropriate.
To start with, let me say that I should like Peeta, because I was a pansy ass in high school, too. The idea that girls like assholes and nice guys finish last is deeply ingrained in me, so much so that I still hope that Angela Chase ended up with Brian Krakow, and I wish that Joey and Dawson had worked their shit out. But while I acknowledge that Peeta does his best to help Katniss out in the Games, he’s ultimately still a needy bitch, and needy bitches are fucking annoying.
Plus, why does he love her so much? Because she’s different? Fine. Then give me some back story about why he hates everyone who’s the same. Gale, in the meantime, ACTUALLY HAS SHIT IN COMMON WITH KATNISS FROM THEIR REGULAR LIFE. When the games are over (are we talking about both books and bringing spoilers in or not? I’ll leave them out for now) and the killing is over, regular life resumes. Even though there’ll be newfound fame and a shared experience of the A-Listers banding together and trying to kill Peeta and Katniss, when they get back to town Peeta is still a baker/painter and Katniss is still a hunter/listless wanderer.
Because of that crazy important fundamental difference, no matter what happens at the end of Book Three, I guarantee that if the trilogy expanded into another ten books and we saw old Katniss and Peeta the way we see old Bilbo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings, the two of them would be old friends who dated for a while, maybe even got married for a time, but ended up amicably divorced. There is 100% no other ending to that story that is remotely possible, no matter what President Bush Stand In Metaphor Man Who Seems Dated Now tries to do to them.
And that would be fine, and even sweet, except that Gale is also obviously the hotter of the two of them. Gale is a lithe hunter and Peeta is a doughy baker. No matter how strong the dude is, he consumes too many carbohydrates, plain and simple. And Katniss will only be young once. So even if she and Gale are similarly doomed and will end up as amicably divorced people because of President I Wish It Was Still 2007 So This Metaphor Rang True’s plans make everything crazy fucked up for two people who are good together, at least she would have had some super hot sex on the way to that happy separation.
Seriously, ladies. Take a second, close your eyes, and imagine sex with Peeta. That motherfucker would be asking if each and every thrust was good for you the entire time, ruining any motion that possibly could have been pleasurable, and if he accidentally made you forget where you were long enough to get you to gasp out in ecstasy he’d misinterpret that and ask if you were okay. That’s very sweet, sure, but also super fucking frustrating and an unforgivable offense.
Gale on the other hand already knows how to experience the world around him and not be lost in his head, and he already knows when something feels good because he can fucking pick up on outside signals because he HAS to in order to know where the game is. And sure sometimes he wouldn’t care what was good for you because that hunter side of him can be a bit selfish, but when he was on, he would be on fucking fire.
In fact, that’s what they should name the Catching Fire sequel: On Fucking Fire. And it should be all about Katniss losing her virginity and realizing what a sorry lover Peeta is, and then putting him down with Krakow and Dawson in the world of Guys High School Boys Feel Sorry For But Girls Never Really Liked Anyway.
And as an ex-pansy ass adolescent, I’m 100% okay with that. Because those dudes are never going to learn how to stop being pussies if the first girl they’re ridiculously infatuated with chooses them for absolutely no reason. Post-rejection Peeta will become an excellent suitor for the next girl from his district who’s chosen to go into the games and is also seventeen. He’ll train her, he’ll understand broken hearts and how the world really works, and he’ll be able to both give her the tools she needs to survive and become a champion and still be man enough to rock her world.
But seriously, don’t confuse the Peeta who’s still in love with Katniss with the Peeta he’ll become in three years after she dumps his sorry ass. That character only gets a chance to exist if Suzanne Collins grows a pair and goes the J.K. Rowling route of writing YA that’s actually for adults and therefore gets another 4 books locked in for her series. From the ending of book two it’s safe to say that while she’s a very talented writer and good at stealing awesome Japanese gorefest flicks and turning them into Sweet Valley High romance novels, she ain’t got that kind of skill. So you’ve gotta try to defend the pansy ass Peeta from the books that we’ve seen so far and tell me why you’d be okay with going down on him.
Stay tuned for Erin’s retort in this highly controversial debate!