What, you thought I was going to do a Highly Scientific Analysis of the boys of Dawson’s Creek? Are you high? There is only one boy worth anyone’s time, and that boy is Pacey Witter, love of my high school life. If you were in love with Jack, then, well, that probably got awkward for you when he came out. And if you were in love with Dawson, then I just have no words for you. And this is coming from a fellow fivehead who cries in ugly ways.
No, instead, I’d like to focus our Highly Scientific Analytical Beam on the many lady loves of Pacey Witter and see how they rank. So let’s get to it! Who’s going to come out on top: Ms. Jacobs, Andie, Audrey, Joey . . . or you?
That’s right, YOU, gentle reader. How do you stack up against the ladies of Dawson’s Creek? I’m going to presume that you are EXACTLY LIKE ME in every way, by the way. Or else my scientific data will skew all wrong and I’ll be forced to come up with some pseudoscience evopysch bullshit article to publish in Science Magazine and get everyone all worked up on the internet. So let’s just pretend that you, like me, were an awkward-looking teenager who hadn’t quite grown into her face yet and never could accomplish whatever the latest hairstyle was and maybe had a passing fancy for the bleached blond boys of the world. Whatever! This isn’t important! We were secretly awesome, you and I. We just didn’t know it yet.
Here we go! We’re going to rate the ladies on the following criteria:
• 90s fashion sense
• Resistance to Pacey’s charm (less resistance = higher score)
• Positive influence in Pacey’s life
• Grateful acceptance of Pacey’s grand romantic gestures
Let the Battle begin!
Who will capture this boy’s heart?
90s Fashion Sense
Ms. Jacobs: 5
Well, you’d think that Ms Jacobs would actually have the edge over the other ladies, due to being much older and wiser. And she doesn’t look so bad here.
Sure, the silk-blouse-tucked-in-brown-wrap-skirt combo isn’t ideal, but it was the 90s, so that is basically the nicest thing a person could get away with wearing. BUT. HOLY JEEZ WHAT IS THIS:
I mean, I can’t even form words. And the fact that this outfit was used as a PROMO SHOT just makes me wonder how much heroin the wardrobe department of this show were consuming per week. Like, on average. Probably a lot.
Andie: 7
Andie’s look was fairly unremarkable, but in the late 90s, home to midriff-baring baby tees and pleated-pants “business” suits for teens, sometimes the safest choice is also the wisest. Andie mostly stuck to cardigans and long skirts, and since I happen to be wearing a cardigan and a long skirt right now, I dig it. (and docksiders! I basically am dressed like a Dawson’s Creek extra right now. I don’t wanna wait! For my leg hair to grow out! I want to wax them now, why can’t it beee?)
Joey: 5
I know what you’re thinking. “Erin, how can you rate Joey a 5 when she and Andie usually wore the same sort of thing?” Well, first of all, I like Andie better. And second, Joey once wore this:
Audrey: 6
Wellll, it’s Busy Phillips, so. You never know what you’re gonna get, really. She mostly managed to stay trendy without being totally ridiculous, but she had a reliance on screen-printed flower “vintage-look” tshirts that did her remarkable chest no favors. But honestly, I mostly phased out Audrey’s clothes once Pacey grew that awful goatee. Actually, she should get some points knocked off for being seen with that goatee in public. Therefore, she really gets a score of 2.
YOU: 0
Well, I don’t know about you, but I used to wear babydoll dresses WITH PATTERNED MESH OVERLAYS and would occasionally style my hair in a half-up, half-down ponytail where the Half-Up part was CURLY. Oh, and I used a 1-inch barrel curling iron on my bangs and sprayed them with Aqua Net so that they’d stay perfectly circle-shaped all day. We deserve nothing for what we have given to Pacey.
Resistance to Pacey’s Charm
Ms. Jacobs: 4
Ms. Jacobs actually puts up a fair amount of resistance to Pacey’s charms – I mean, it takes her three whole episodes to give in and do it with him. But, considering she’s his teacher, it should have taken her 40 episodes, which is approximately 2 years, at which point it’s legal to sleep with your student, if still morally repugnant. So she gets points knocked off for Fitzing her way into Pacey’s (beautiful) arms.
Andie: 5
Andie actually put up a pretty good fight before she succumbed to the charms of Pacey Witter, as we all eventually do. It took quite a few earnest speeches from Pacey, plus one car accident, for her to finally see the light. Oh, Andie. I’d ask you if you were crazy but that might be awkward, given your history.
Joey: 1
Um, it took FOREVER for Joey and Pacey to get together, and he basically had to throw everything he had at her. I mean, he rented her a WALL, for chrissakes. A wall. You know who has rented me a wall? No one. Of course, I’m not sure what I’d do with a wall, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, if someone rented a wall for me or, say, kissed me so I’d stop talking, or watched me while I sleep . . . okay, actually, that part is creepy. But the rest of it was really hot and I would have jumped on that right away! JOEY POTTER, Y USO DUMB, BB?
Audrey: 7
Audrey is one of the few people who mutually pursued Pacey, and while she was never my favorite Pacey Paramour, there’s something to be said for a girl who actually sees the potential in front of her. Well played, Busy Phillips’ Face!
You: 10
You score top marks in this section! After all, how long did it take you to realize that Pacey was the only guy worth swooning over on Dawson’s Creek? An episode? Maybe two? Either way, your willingness to accept Pacey for the amazing fictional boyfriend that he is makes you the clear winner. Congratuwelldone!
Positive Influence in Pacey’s Life
Ms. Jacobs: 0
Oh, sure, she “makes him a man,” but she is his TEACHER. Not only that, but Pacey totally gets a bad reputation, probably gets a beating from his dad over it, and has to talk in front of the school board about their affair, which always sucks. Plus he risks his life to help her in a hurricane. A piece of wood could have blown over and hit him in the head. He could have died. In Season One. Awful, awful thought.
Andie: 9
Andie gets pretty high marks, since she basically reforms Pacey into a model student, allowing him to actually graduate high school on time, plus gets him to deal with some of the heavy stuff he’s been carrying around in secret. It’s Andie that subtly pushes Pacey to confront his dad about the drinking and the abuse and the neglect, and Andie who’s there for him after he does.
Of course, then she goes to the inpatient facility, sleeps with someone else, and basically makes Pacey’s life hell for a while. So I had to knock off a point. Science demands it.
Joey: 4
I’m sorry for saying this, and I swear it’s not just cause she married Tom Cruise, but Joey just wasn’t very good for Pacey. What happened to him under her romantic influence? Let’s see, he sailed a boat around, which was good. He got started in the restaurant business, which was successful for him most of the time. And he fought with his best friend and went round and round with Joey endlessly because she kept dumping him. I don’t know. I just think Pacey deserves better, i.e. a plane to spell out “PACEY IS THE MOST WONDERFUL. SURRENDER DOROTHY.”
Audrey: 0
Oh, please. Audrey gets no points for this. The GOATEE, for crying out loud. THE GOATEE.
You: 8
I know; I know. It’s not a perfect score. We did okay; don’t get me wrong. We did our very best. But is Pacey the internationally known wunderkind that he really deserves to be? When I Googled Pacey Witter Fansites, I didn’t even get 10,000,000 results! Have we really done all we can do? Have we?
Grateful Acceptance of Pacey’s Romantic Gestures
Ms. Jacobs: 3
She fell for the candles-in-the-park gesture, but I’m not entirely sure she displayed the correct amount of gratitude for Pacey fighting a hurricane to get to her or his speech to the school board. This man has put his life and his dignity on the line for you, lady! He had to spend an evening trapped in your house with DOUG. At least acknowledge that! Or, hell, just give him one good book to turn him into a reader, jeez. What kind of English teacher are you? Oh, yeah. The kind that sleeps with her student.
Andie: 3
It may be the alcohol talking, but I don’t actually remember many grand romantic gestures between these two. There was too much Other Stuff, like Andie dealing with her brother’s death and Pacey dealing with his father’s assiness and Andie going, you know, a little unhinged, for a lot of wall-renting activities. So I had to low score Andie. Sorry, Andie, ILU!
Joey: 8
She may talk too much and cause endless drama, but Joey definitely got the most romantic gestures from Pacey. I mean, the wall? The time he told her to go to Paris but then secretly wanted her to sail away with him? Not to mention the number of times he punched Dawson because of her, all of which I enjoyed watching, because Dawson is the kind of person who should be punched daily. Joey may have been hard to woo, but at the end of the day, she always saw the value behind, say, someone renting you a wall, and locked that shit down.
Audrey: 0
Ech. Let’s just skip her and move on. Goatee!
You: 10
You may be wondering – what kind of romantic gestures did Pacey ever make for me? Well, other than every day of existing, that is. Perhaps you are forgetting about Pacey-Con ’10, in which Pacey came to ComicCon and read Pacey fan fiction aloud and played the Dawson’s Creek theme song on a boom box? That was for you. Pacey does it all for you. And you gleefully and gratefully accept it and tell him how amazing he is. On the internet. Where he won’t actually ever see it. This detail doesn’t matter, though. You’re doing an awesome job! Keep it up!
Conclusion
Alright! Let’s tally up the scores!
Ms. Jacobs: 12
Andie: 24
Joey: 18
Audrey: 9
You: 28
Congratulations, YOU! You totally beat out all the other ladies as the greatest paramour for Pacey Witter!!! To congratulate yourself, go to Youtube and watch fan videos of Pacey and/or just stare at photos of him on the internet all day. You deserve it!!
