Previous episode: “Over Exposed”
Oh, man. ABC Family cancelled Chloe King! That means that they are going to spend EVEN MORE MONEY AND TIME on this show instead. They need a distraction of some kind! Quick! Someone write a YA series and turn it into a show! I’ll give you some ideas! A group of improbably rich girls wear bad clothes and lie to people about . . . something. Aaaaand go!
No? Nothing? SIGH. Then I guess I have to watch this show again.
Previous on The Lying Game: All of this stuff happened. I don’t know. I only watch this show when I have to.
Show! Poor Twin and Laurel are chilling out in bed, wearing their Super Important Royal Headgear from Homecoming. I bet Kate and Pippa do this shizz all the time. Laurel is still super excited about life in general cause she thinks she might get boned by Blonde Grifter soon. I can’t deal with her level of excitement. I had fried chicken for dinner. I can’t deal with most things right now. I just want to curl into a ball and put my head in something cool and clear, like a babbling brook.
Poor Twin interrogates Laurel about the photo of Birth Mom, Mercer Dad and Nathan Petrelli. Laurel doesn’t recognize Birth Mom. And why would she? She’s YOUNGER THAN YOU, Poor Twin! Jesus, I think the tanning bed has baked your brain.
Poor Twin’s Generic Skype Chat rings. Laurel, thinking that it’s Ethan calling for a late night Skype booty call, skips out. Literally. She skips. But it’s really Rich Twin, of course. She’s pretty pissed that Poor Twin won Homecoming Queen and macked on her secret boyfriend, but Poor Twin distracts her by showing her the photo of Birth Mom, Mercer Dad and Nathan Petrelli. Then she asks her to come home and take her life back. Uh, didn’t you not want her to do that like two days ago, Poor Twin? I CANNOT KEEP UP WITH YOUR MERCURIAL NATURE.
Thayer walks onto screen, sans clothing, and Poor Twin is shocked! Shocked! At Rich Twin’s deviant behavior. After all, she has a secret boyfriend that Poor Twin keeps flirting with!
Nathan Petrelli’s house! Mads is asleep on the couch, but Nathan Petrelli cheerfully wakes her up. She’s worried about what happened with No-Statch Dance Teacher, but Nathan Petrelli is totally chill about everything. Nathan Petrelli is going to let Mads live her own life! He is so cheerful about this. I think he’s on speed. Maybe Natalie Maines was on set that day; I don’t know.
Mercer House. Blonde Grifter is over for breakfast, telling Mercer Parents about the time he savagely beat his mother with a golf club. Sixteen stitches! Mercer Mom is suspicious of the Blonde Grifter, and wants to meet Justin’s parents. Laurel sets up a family bbq.
Char’s house. She walks outside to go swimming and is greeted by some dark haired skeeve who’s just floating in her pool like he’s a goddamn SkyMall model. Dark Haired Skeeve, who is named Derek, charms his way into Char’s lonely, lonely pants heart.
Low Rent Pacey Witter’s Trailer. Poor Twin is waiting for him. She tries to break things off with Ethan, on account of how he’s her sister’s secret boyfriend, but he won’t hear it! Cause he’s warm for her form! Which he displays by making out with her and silencing her many objections to their union. With his face.
I just took a mental summary of how much alcohol I have in my house at this moment. Not enough, my friends. Not nearly enough.
Ballet Studio of Varying Skill Levels. Mads is trying to explain to Char that nice boys don’t stalk you from the perfectly chlorinated confines of your backyard pool. But it’s so hard to talk Char down, because she’s like a hyper little puppy who smells that you have Snausages in your pockets. Sit, Char. Sit.
Mads is looking to apologize to No-Statch Dance Instructor, but he has quit!! His mother shoots daggers at Mads.
L.A. Rich Twin is bitching about Poor Twin to Thayer. Refreshingly, Rich Twin does not seem to feel the need to impress Thayer now that they’ve bumped uglies, as she’s wearing a truly hideous pair of shorts. She and Thayer come across the gallery displaying Birth Mom’s awful art . . . but it’s closed until November. Ruh roh.
School. Poor Twin is poring over old school yearbooks from 1984 (ouch), trying to see if Birth Mom went to high school with Mercer Dad and Nathan Petrelli. Ethan comes over to declare that he will be dumping Sutton so that he can officially be seen in public . . . with Sutton.
House of No-Statch Dance Instructor. He’s packing up and moving back to Chicago. Mads wants to know what the hell is going on. Why is he leaving? It’ll never work, Dance Instructor says! Because he loves Mads! Then he kisses her, even though she’s wearing a dress that I’m pretty sure my Peaches N Cream Barbie wore. In 1984. Eduardo tells Mads that he can’t be with her, because there’s trouble!
Oooh! The Pretty Little Liars Halloween Special is October 19th! Unfortunately, that Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots movie is also still going to happen. We can’t have everything, kids.
Mercer House. Laurel answers Blonde Grifter’s phone call with a “hey, sexy!” Too soon, Laurel. Too, too soon. Blonde Grifter is calling to say his parents can’t come, because they were called out of town last minute on a big real estate deal. Are his parents the Salahis? Have they left to do it with the Journey guitarist? I’m running with this scenario. Laurel invites herself over to his house to have the sexytimes, but he dodges that invitation with as much subtlety as his parents’ White House party crashing.
Meanwhile, Poor Twin confides to Mercer Mom that Ethan has another girlfriend. She neglects to tell Mercer Mom that Ethan’s girlfriend is her daughter. But! Poor Twin is pretty sure that Ethan’s girlfriend is cheating on him! What should she do?! Mercer Mom says that if she were Ethan, she’d want to know the truth. If I were Ethan, I’d want to get my haircut. This is why we don’t make choices for other people.
Laurel stomps in to announce that the barbeque is off, but Mercer Mom and Poor Twin convince her to bring food over to Junior Salahi’s house. But she doesn’t know where he lives! That’s . . . not suspicious at all! Mercer Mom advises her to check the student directory for the address! Uh, is that something people do? Publish their addresses so that other students know where they live? Granted, it’s been, you know, some time since I’ve been in high school, but I cannot see that ending well for anyone. On the other hand, does anyone want to help me roll someone’s house?
Laurel cheerfully bops up to the door of some standard McMansion. A bespectacled gentleman opens the door and, of course, has never heard of Junior Salahi.
L.A. Thayer has been searching through the gallery’s dumpster to find all of the packing slips from the past week. He figures they can track them to find Birth Mom. The Generic Skype Video Chat rings. It’s Ethan! Thayer bops off to give Rich Twin some privacy. Thayer is entirely too nice. Also he has a painting on his wall of a dinosaur skeleton, or something. How do you exist in this show, Thayer?
Rich Twin isn’t too happy to be talking to Ethan and is even less happy when he dumps her. Eavesdropping from the bathroom, Thayer totally does a little victory boogie.
School. Ethan and Poor Twin are holding hands and grinning. I would not be grinning if I were Poor Twin, especially because she doesn’t seem to be wearing a bra. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I always smile when I’m not wearing a bra. But it is a PUBLIC PLACE, Poor Twin. She and Ethan make some generic conversation about Rich Twin and their relationship and yada yada. I’m tired of this.
Meanwhile, Laurel is spurning the advances of Junior Salahi. She doesn’t tell Junior why she’s upset, but I think he’s figured it out, being a super-smart Salahi kid.
Mads’ house. Mads tells her dad that Eduardo is leaving town. She wants to know what Nathan Petrelli did to her buff dancer boyfriend! Nothing, he says! Shiftily. Nathan Petrelli doesn’t seem to be in that good of a mood this time. Where did Natalie Maines go?
Mercer House. Laurel’s bummed about Junior Salahi. Rich Twin thinks maybe Junior Salahi is a street kid and that’s why he has lied about everything since he met Laurel! Laurel should ask him! But that would require honesty, so instead Laurel’s just going to stalk him.
L.A. Rich Twin has been spending hours staring at the photo of Poor Twin and Ethan. Jesus, Rich Twin. Aren’t you supposed to be the cool one? Thayer doesn’t want to deal with Rich Twin’s bullshit! He’s leaving! Except, uh, it’s his place.
Trailer of Tears. Ethan has planned a romantic meal, avec candelabra, for Poor Twin. She’s so impressed! It must be so much easier to date Poor Twin than Rich Twin. Just put something shiny in front of her. To be fair, that’s why it’s easy to date me. Something shiny, something boozy, something with cheese in it. I’m yours for life. Well, I say that, but I just asked my boyfriend whether I was indeed an easy person to date and he stopped what he was doing, looked at me funny and said, “I don’t know . . . which answer am I supposed to give so you don’t get mad?” So maybe I’m not that easy.
Poor Twin comes clean to Ethan about Rich Twin and Thayer. He gets suuuuper pissed off and storms out.
Mads’ house. She’s staring at photos of her and Eduardo because she, like every other girl on this show, is extremely pathetic. She calls Eduardo’s phone but a nurse in the ER picks up!!
Laurel’s Stalking Mission. She locates Justin Salahi’s car, parked outside a foreclosure property. Oh, awesome. The Salahi is a squatter. That . . .sounds about right. P.S. If you’re squatting in a house, maybe – just maybe! – don’t park your car outside of the house?
Char’s. She’s all dressed up for her date with the stalker. She worries to Poor Twin that she might be taken out to an illegal street racing event later on in the evening. I just realized who Char reminds me of. Taylor Swift. No wonder I have warring desires to punch her in the face and wrap her up in some sort of quilt purchased at the County Fair.
The doorbell rings and she asks Poor Twin to go upstairs and get her purse. On the way, Poor Twin catches sight of a photo of Char’s mom . . . with Birth Mom!
Char’s boyfriend is totally skeezy and shifty. He goes back inside to “get his sunglasses” and it has taken me exactly this long to realize that this is the guy that Nathan Petrelli paid off to steal Rich Twin’s laptop. Ew. So now he’s paying him to date Char so that, what? He can spy on Char’s mom? Possibly, since Skeevy Thief eavesdrops on Char’s mom telling Poor Twin that Mercer Dad and Nathan Petrelli “broke Annie’s heart” and that they’re the reason she moved out to LA and never came back.
Mads’. Eduardo was in a car crash! She knows Nathan Petrelli is behind this! Then Thayer walks in!! Ooooh.
Salahi’s Squatter Paradise. Laurel wants the truth! Junior Salahi is an orphan! He was put into foster care but there wasn’t a golf team at his new school! Oh, the horrors! Anyway, he moved to town because Arroyo High School has the nation’s best high school golf team. I seriously can’t believe that I typed those words. Laurel hugs him and tells him he’s the greatest boyfriend ever. Oh, Laurel. I mean, I did that to my boyfriend today, but it’s because he cleaned out my cat’s litterbox and brought me a mimosa in bed. Not because he lied to me about his parents and squatted in a McMansion. One rewards GOOD behavior, Laurel. Not bad behavior.
At Mercer House, Poor Twin is grilling Mercer Mom about Birth Mom some more. I can’t remember whether Mercer Mom knows that Poor Twin knows Birth Mom’s name? I’m so confused! Mercer Dad is eavesdropping, because that’s how people roll in the Southwest.
Char Date. She totally paid for the date. Oh, Char. Char, Char, Char. Nathan Petrelli calls Skeevy Thief to get the 411 on Char’s mom. Char, meanwhile, is berating Ethan (who has showed up for work) for dumping Poor Twin . . . but he’d just like to keep things between him and “Emma.” Char’s all, “who’s Emma??” She thinks Ethan is cheating on Sutton with this Emma girl, which isn’t untrue! Ha! I kind of love Char tonight. She’s about to really ream him when she gets a text and tells Skeevy Thief that they need to book it to the hospital.
Hospital! Poor Twin and Char are waiting with Mads – I guess they’re there for Eduardo? Ethan rushes in so Char tells Poor Twin that Ethan is cheating on her with THE HORRIBLE EMMA and then Thayer shows up! And then Ethan punches Thayer! Please don’t let my use of exclamation marks confuse you! I’m so incredibly fucking bored! But when I paused the DVR to write this, I realized there’s only a few minutes left of this show! HOORAY!
The Parking Lot of Shady Meetups. Mercer Dad is freaking that Poor Twin has been asking questions about Annie. Nathan Petrelli has an idea!
Meanwhile, Rich Twin has just tracked down one of the addresses . . . Birth Mom’s psychiatric hospital. The shady doctor on the take tells Rich Twin that no Annie Hobbs exists there. But Rich Twin isn’t convinced! So she ducks into a hallway! And finds Annie’s room! But then someone grabs her! Oh noes!
And that’s all the snooze that’s fit to print this week, kids. Is this show EVER going to become interesting? Will ABC Family continue to dump tons of money and time into it so that it becomes another Secret Life of the American Teenager and lasts for YEARS for no discernable reason? Will they at least hire Ethan Peck to do something so that I have a reason to continue watching? I guess we’ll find out . . . someday.
