The Vampire Diaries is on another two week break! What will we do until it returns?!!! Why, make a graph of all of the people on the show who’ve had sex together, if you’re Mandy W. The following is a transcription of actual emails between Mandy and myself:

Mandy W.:
I was reading your TVD recap and your comment about everyone having slept with everyone got me wondering. So I made this PDF, mapping all the sexytimes (mostly from memory, with some fact checking. But then I gave that up, ’cause there are WAY too many people, and I’m pretty sure I got them all?). 

“But what about Damon and ___?!” Y’all, we have NOT forgotten; all common Salvatore conquests have their own line (pink) and are routed through Stefan.

Some observations:

  • Stefan has never slept with anyone that hasn’t also slept with Damon. (Or at least we don’t know about it. Maybe he got it on after a Bon Jovi concert.) EWW! I can’t believe I seriously hadn’t noticed this.
  • Damon is the town bicycle. And literally a motherfucker (almost twice, since he once made out with Matt’s mom).
  • Thank goodness nearly everyone’s a vampire, or the spread of STDs in Mystic Falls would skyrocket.
  • There are a lot of dead people in this chart.
  • Bonnie needs to get laid. Then maybe she’ll stop being THE WORST. [Edit 2021/11/03: Was Bonnie the worst, or was she just given the worst storylines? DISCUSS.]
  • Oh, and I guess I didn’t put any parents (other than the ones in Alaric’s polygon) on there, ’cause BORING and the chart is already outta control.

Oh my God, Mandy! I am amazed by your skill creating this chart, and the in-depth analysis you had to do to figure it out. The only sad part is that there is not a picture of me in there with blue lines to Klaus, YHH, & Damon.

Mandy W.:
Oh and another thing I noticed: it’s all heteronormative and (mostly) white! Granted, that’s a problem with all TV, but don’t tell me that Klaus never tried out for the other team.

I’m right there with you, re: inserting myself in the chart. And if Alaric was still alive, I would have put a line between him and Damon too.

Yes. YES. Yes. (About the Alaric and Damon part, not the mostly white and heteronormative part. That part is disappointing.)

So there you have it, folks!  Perhaps it’s a slight exaggeration to say that everyone has slept with everyone else, but it’s pretty darn close.

Jenny grew up on a steady diet of Piers Anthony, Isaac Asimov and Star Wars novels. She has now expanded her tastes to include television, movies, and YA fiction.