Happy Monday, y’all! And what a happy Monday morning it is, because I’m here to acquaint you with your latest British* fake boyfriend, Theo James.
I’ll be honest: I had no idea who Theo James was up until six months ago, when he was cast in Divergent. And while he’s better than the alternatives, I soooo couldn’t see him as Four. Same goes with the rest of FYA HQ: “IS THIS TRUE?” and “WHAT.” But we remembered, “He is preeeetty hot,” which is one of the most important requirements for playing Four. “DEF hot enough,” we conceded, “but SO OLD.”
Then the first Divergent trailer happened. And Sarah totally vouched for his hotness during her set visit. And THE POSTER OMG THE POSTER. Needless to say, I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT, Y’ALL. And that light is emanating from Theo James’ glorious back muscles.
But he’s so much more than just a pretty face. And back. And abs. (Even if all those things are really, really pretty.) So let’s get to know your new fake boyfriend!
Fake Boyfriend Name: Theodore Peter James Kenneth Taptiklis
Name says: Ultra posh! And Greek, from his father’s side. Very fitting, because sweet baby cheeses — DID YOU SEE THOSE ARMS? Obvi, he has a body worthy of a Greek god.
Date of Birth: December 16, 1984
Age says: Yeah, OK — at 28, Theo is a bit older than the Four that we know from the books, as well as his 21-year-old co-star, Shailene Woodley. But! That means he’s completely age appropriate for us olds! And with so many YA casting misfires, this is artistic license that I can finally get down with. (Erm. So to speak.)
Birthplace: Oxford, Oxfordshire, England
Birthplace says: My dictionary and comma of choice! And the oldest English-speaking university! And a lot of scenes from Harry Potter were shot in Oxford! What I’m saying with a lot of exclamation marks is, we should all be so grateful to Oxford for its many gifts.
Theo attended the all-male Aylesbury Grammar School with few profesh athletes, prior to earning a philosophy degree from the University of Nottingham. He went on to train at the Bristol Old Vic Theatre School, whose prestigious alumni includes Daniel Day-Lewis and Sir Patrick Mothereffin’ Stewart.
Education says: So not only are the contents of those pants hot, but they are smart! And Bristol Old Vic is a fancypants, super selective drama school; even if you haven’t seen Theo act much (ahem, like me), his training speaks volumes about his acting skillz.
Theo also happens to be a man of many talents. He bikes! … which is not that extraordinary, but it gives me an excuse to use these photos of him wearing shades. (But helmet, Theo! Gotta protect that sexy brain of yours.)
He dances!…using the same two moves in my repertoire.
He plays the piano! …or at least knew how to fake it, for his stint on the show Case Sensitive.
He sings! And he plays the guitar! Which are real talent this time, because Theo used to be in the band Shere Khan. Their songs aren’t awful and they’ve since disbanded, so you don’t have to feel obligated to support your new fake boyfriend’s musical endeavour.
Where You Have Seen Him
Regular readers of this site may recognize Theo from his brief but memorable portrayal of Kemal Pamuk on Downton Abbey, who — spoiler alert — succumbed to death by vagina.
(Side note: all TV commercials should omnimously use “after dancing” as a reference for time.)
As for movies, Theo has appeared in UGH Woody Allen’s You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, which has a title that seems way more delightful than the actual film. He’s also in The Inbetweeners Movie as “a cocky and abusive alpha male”, so says Wiki. And he wears an extreme deep V, so says me.
Of the films that have been released, Theo’s most prominent role to date has been in Underworld: Awakening. He presumably competes with Kate Beckinsale to be the sexiest vampire; no matter who wins that competition, we ALL win.
Theo has also done a bit of TV work, like the aforementioned Downton Abbey and Case Sensitive. In the mini-series A Passionate Woman, he played a passionate lov-ahhh (named Craze, natch) to a Doctor Who companion, which looks like required viewing. (Or terrible. Someone actually proclaims “I’m a passionate woman!”, so this could be very terrible.)
In Room at the Top, Theo seems to play a jerk d-bag obstacle boyfriend. But he’s a jerk d-bag in a dapper tux, so.
Theo had a starring role in the first series of the spooky show Bedlam. No disrespect to Bill Murray, but I’d let Theo James bust my ghosts any time. (Wait, what?)
Most recently, Theo played the lead in CBS’s short-lived Golden Boy, in which he gets to kick ass while wearing a suit (and, very briefly, in a uniform).
It’s a show that I’m retroactively mourning, given all the GIFs of Theo in various states of undress. Like when he’s double fisting ice cream sandwiches.
Or when he’s putting on a shirt, but never quite succeeding. OH DARN.
And here! Have another shirtless GIF!
Where You’ll See Him Next
Theo just signed on for an indie drama called Franny (with Richard Gere and Dakota Fanning) that’ll have him romancing yet another YA darling. And he’s currently shooting the movie for London Fields by Martin Amis.
But it’s his other film adaptation that we’re really amped for around these parts. Maybe you’ve heard of it?
And if all the evidence thus far doesn’t make you want to do this…
…then FINE; guess I’ll have to continue with my research. TWIST MY ARM, WHY DON’T YOU.
No matter what Theo’s talking about — here, on Bedlam — you can always count on listening to his silky voice and just MELT. (And the face. Always the face.)
Another reason to miss Golden Boy: Theo’s great rapport with Boston Public principal and Emerson Cod himself, Chi McBride.
Theo also makes some Ron Weasley caliber faces in interviews:
And as you can see, Theo has a habit of charming the pants off of his interviewers.
Though in their defense, it’s probably damn near impossible to maintain composure in Theo’s presence. Esp. when he’s teasing about gratuitous butt shots.
If these interviews are any indication, it’s going to be a lot of fun when he hits the talk show circuit for Divergent. Like, Jennifer Lawrence levels of fun.
Need even more proof that Theo is indeed a man after our own hearts?
So what are you waiting for? Make Theo James your new fake boyfriend today!