Welcome to Your First Fake BF/GF, wherein we dig deep into the internet in order to bring you the finest shirtless photos journalism about your favorite teen crushes! To kick the series off, we’re throwing it back to the world of Early Christian Bale, star of 1992’s musical classic Newsies.

As you might imagine, the research for this post was arduous and painful.

Biographical Details:

– Name: Christian Charles Phillip Bale
– Date of Birth: January 30, 1974 (age 40)
– Place of Birth: Haverfordwest, Pembrokeshire, Wales, UK
 Educational BackgroundBournemouth School, left at age 16
– Trivia: Gloria Steinem is his stepmother!

Where You’ve Seen Him

Bale’s 31-year body of work is impressive – from 1987’s Empire of the Sun to Newsies, 1993’s Swing Kids, 1994’s Little Women, and the glamouriffic Velvet Goldmine from 1998 (NOTE: DO NOT WATCH THIS AS A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD WHEN YOUR PARENTS COULD WALK IN, AWKWARD), it is my scientific belief that there are very few movies Bale has not been in. Rumor has it that Bale made a deal with the deities — to be blessed with such good looks and talent that every once in awhile, he must take on a role like those in The Machinist and American Hustle to remind us that what the gods giveth, they can taketh away.

Where You First Fell in Love

Having been a wee child when Empire of the Sun came out, it was obviously Newsies for me. The early 90s were a glorious time for fans of Christian Bale, and the people at Blockbuster only looked at me slightly askance when I rented Swing Kids for the 3,997th time.

🎵Let them laugh in my face, I don’t care.🎵

In case you haven’t seen it, Newsies is the Christian Bale Gateway Drug, in which he plays a scrappy young turn-of-the-century paper seller with dreams of being a cowboy in Santa Fe. This naturally involves dancing and riding a horse while singing about it on the empty streets of New York.

You gotta arise and seize the day.

And hip thrusts.

I am pretty sure things happen in the movie, something to do with papers and striking, but who cares when you can just look at Christian Bale? (Also: I know I’m getting older when Bill Pullman is now the other most attractive guy in the movie. Sorry, Spot Conlon.)

Haters to the left.

Deal with it.

Where He’s Been

Like a good cheese, Christian Bale keeps getting better with age. He probably could have quit after Little Women, having been the Laurie that makes us all question Jo’s sanity, but he selflessly continues to give us more. More recently, he has been Batman in the critically-acclaimed The Dark Knight series, the balding and paunchy Irving Rosenfeld in American Hustle, and is set to appear in several movies slated for release in 2014/15.

Your Current Relationship Status

Aside from that epic 2008 on-set rant, Bale’s personal life has stayed more or less out of the spotlight. If he had a Justin Bieber phase (who am I kidding, no one has a Justin Bieber-level phase except for Justin Bieber), I sure don’t know about it. He’s also still good looking, still talented, and still making movies. Therefore, I declare all interested parties still in a fake relationship.

Circumstantial Evidence

We’d be remiss if we didn’t give you a chance to look back on the fond memories you two share.


What are you waiting for? Time to rekindle that relationship with Christian!