Welcome, everyone, to my magnum opus of fangirlishness. I might squeal over Adam Brody and Christian Bale, I might geek out over my favorite authors, and I might blush when I think about how certain musicians were awfully nice to teenaged me, but nothing — NO ONE — approaches the level of love I have for U2, and specifically today, Bono. Bono (but all the members of U2, LARRY, HI!, because I have never discriminated and never shall) was my original First Fake Boyfriend.

Achtung Baby came out when I was 7, and my mom bought it on cassette at Target. She let me borrow the tape, and thus the greatest love affair of my life was born. From the very second I heard the opening crunch of “Zoo Station,” I was done. U2 were meant to be my fake boyfriends, even when I was a tiny child. I just knew that if I met them, they’d be like, “This girl needs to hang out with us backstage, in a completely PG-13 way, and also we’ll pay for her to come to all of our shows. Her parents seem like they’d be cool with that, too.” 

This has never, ever changed. If I had a time machine, the very first stop — before I went to investigate medieval history or hang out with my ancestors — would be to park my butt in 1987, at the height of what I like to think of as Bono’s Smoldering Era. This is the reason why I have always loved dark, long-haired musicians.

Biographical Details

– Name: Paul David Hewson 
– Date of Birth:  May 10, 1960
– Place of Birth: Dublin, Ireland
– Educational Background: Mount Temple Comprehensive School WHERE U2 WAS ACTUALLY FORMED
– Trivia: 2005 Time Person of the Year, awarded honorary knighthood by Queen Elizabeth, “Bono” derived from the Latin “bono vox,” meaning “good voice,” given to him by pals and fellow musicians, probably totally wants to be my best friend

Where You’ve Seen Him

Can you miss him? U2 first formed in 1976, but came on the international music scene in 1980 with Boy. After Boy, they released OctoberWarUnder a Blood Red SkyThe Joshua TreeRattle & HumAchtung BabyZooropaPopAll That You Can’t Leave BehindHow to Dismantle an Atomic BombNo Line on the Horizon, and most recently, Songs of Innocence…among others. You also might have also seen Bono in Across the Universe.

Where You First Fell In Love

Depends on how old you were: for me, of course, it was Achtung Baby, and the dirty-sexy leather pants aesthetic (to this day, a man who can really pull off leather pants will turn my head so hard I will sever my spinal column). But daaaaaamn, I would not turn Bono down at any time. I love the combination of earnest protest music, love songs, and total dirty get-down tunes that U2 is capable of; they are truly the band of Having All the Feels and being relevant to All The Eras.

Why do we love him, though? In my humble opinion and very long observation, I think it’s because he’s all-too-willing to throw himself passionately into a song; if you’ve ever seen U2 in concert (did I ever tell you about that time I was less than four feet from all of U2 and Bono smiled at me?!), you know they are all incredible showmen. Young Bono was SMOKING HOT, but having been just mere feet from all of U2 in real life, it’s not the looks. It’s the talent and charisma, and Bono, especially, really sells every song he sings, even if he’s sung it for over thirty years.

Where He’s Been

In my harem

Bono has had an illustrious career of not only being a musician, but a pretty dedicated philanthropist. Yeah, I know, a lot of people are totally down on him and his super earnest-but-maybe-egotistical persona, but in the end, he is an insanely rich person trying to be nice to others, so no hate from this corner. 

Your Current Relationship Status

BONO. IEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIE BONO. Our love for him shall never die.

Circumstantial Evidence

Good god, you guys, just look at the evidence the good people at Esquire put together for us:

 50 Photos of Bono Being Bono-y

But why limit ourselves to mere photos?

Look at Will Smith trying not to tap his foot. It’s like he is knock knock knockin’ on heaven’s door with Bono and Axl Rose. Also, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO BE IN THAT AUDIENCE, other than living in NYC? 

I love that U2 turns a mildly cheerful Cole Porter love song into something dark, desperate, and stalkerish.