Because they’re total suckers, Sarah and Mandy C. tuned into the premiere of Disney’s Descendants and… well, it could have been worse. Especially if there hadn’t been a bottle of wine lying around.
On that note, here’s a drinking game that might aid in your enjoyment of this fairy tale massacre adaptation. And if you’ve already watched it, read on for our rants, raves and WTFs.
Take a drink when:
- A character breaks into song
- The word “wand” is uttered
- Maleficent cackles evilly
- Ben and Mal gaze into each other’s eyes
- An adult does the Disney chuckle
- You think Ben and Mal are about to kiss but then they don’t because Disney
Take a shot when:
- Ben climbs on top of a horse that’s actually just two people in a horse costume
- Mal does some intense arm-dancing while singing “If Only”
- The cast sings “Be Our Guest” because it’s just too painful
- A godawful CGI dragon appears
Now that we’ve got some magic potion alcohol in our system, let’s convo!
The Belle of the Ball
Sarah: Obviously, Kristin Chenoweth is fabulous, but my favorite character turned out to be Mal. Dove Cameron has all of the qualities of a Disney star without the affectations, and I found her to be surprisingly delightful. (And not just because she’s so pretty. But she’s, like, so pretty, you guys.) I also had a soft spot for Evie and her unabashed love for all things Auradon.
Mandy C.: This might come as a surprise to you guys, but I’m a huge nerd. And, I think bow ties are cool. So you know that I found Doug absolutely adorable. But, what I actually liked best about his character was that his geekiness never ventured too far into stereotype territory. He dressed well, he could talk to girls without passing out, and he could dance. And like Posh, I also really enjoyed Evie, but more for her magical (yeah, I went there) ability to sew leather (or leather-looking fabric) into some really cute outfits. That shizz is TOUGH.
Sarah: While the kid cast wasn’t half bad, the adults really overdid it. Like, seriously, Cruella de Vil, SLOW YOUR ROLL. There’s a difference between chewing the scenery and choking on it. Even HRH Kristin Chenoweth was a bit much, although her song with Dove Cameron made me forgive and forget. The only thing worse than the adult acting in this movie was the CGI. That limo crossing the bridge was terribad, and the dragon?! The dragon made me do spittake, which was a tragic waste of wine. Next time, Disney, you might not want to skimp on the special effects budget. (And while you’re at it, get King Ben a new crown that doesn’t look like it came from Party City.)
Mandy C.: I knew, going into this, that it was likely going to be tough watching Disney Channel Original Movie versions of my favorite Disney characters (i.e., Belle and Beast). And they weren’t terrible, up until that Family Day scene. If anyone in that crew should understand the importance of second chances, it would have been Belle and Beast. And yet, they scold their son for “his” mistake? When it’s actually Audrey’s grandma being kind of, well, witchy? Puhlease.
Also, I thought I’d be OK with whoever they cast as Belle—I mean, if I can come to terms with effing TESS Emilie de Ravin playing her on Once Upon a Time, I should be OK with anyone. But then I realized she was being played by Keegan Connor Tracey, who plays the Blue Fairy … on Once Upon a Time. I know I’m probably the only person who still watches that show, but couldn’t you reach just a bit further, Disney?
The Handsome Prince
Sarah: I’m interested to see how people reacted to Mitchell Hope. He’s no Zefron, but he’s pretty damn cute, and his earnestness is a refreshing change from the usual Disney theatrics. If they’re gonna make a sequel, though, the boy needs some dance lessons STAT.
Mandy C.: I totally thought Mitchell looked more Goofy than Princely at first, but the floppy hair and his sweet smile totally had me suckered in by the end of the two hours.
A Whole New World
Sarah: This version of Ever After is fun, but not amazingly inventive. I definitely got a kick out of the Remedial Goodness class, and it was entertaining to see the fairy tale progeny mingle, but that medieval tournament sports thing? It ain’t no Quidditch.
Mandy C.: This will come as no surprise to anyone who’s watched a Disney Channel Original Movie in the past, uh, ever, but this was a cute movie featuring attractive teens and a strong moral message. It also leaned heavily on the formula made successful by the High School Musical franchise. (Because really, this was basically Fairytale High School Musical.) So was it entertaining? Sure. Was it fresh? No way. (Also: Since WHEN were there that many villains/henchmen?)
Rags to Riches
Sarah: As a 36-year-old, it feels weird to say this but… I want Mal and Evie’s entire wardrobe. It’s as if Betsey Johnson got high while watching Sleeping Beauty and then raided a Hot Topic. There’s so much pleather and studs and pink and purple and I LOVE IT. If I had to pick a favorite outfit, though, it would probably be her coronation dress, which Disney will probably sell as a prom dress next year and I WONDER IF IT COMES IN MY SIZE.
Mandy C.: Can I also get it all in my size? Because yes, please. Badass rocker chick with an artsy flair, and a mix of masculine and feminine silhouettes is right up my alley. My favorite outfit though—definitely Evie’s Family Day dress. (Side note, while we’re talking fashion: Did anyone else notice Budget Tim Gunn in the opening scene?)
Song as Old as Rhyme
Sarah: The songs weren’t too terrible! I’m embarrassed to say I even liked “Rotten to the Core,” which is Disney’s stab at EDM. Because, you know, that’s what the kids are listening to these days!
Mandy C.: I’m a sucker for song in which there’s spelling, particularly somewhat long words, so “Did I Mention” struck a chord.
Yeah, I went there.
Happily Ever What?
– I know it’s pointless to think too hard about a Disney Channel Original Movie but who in the hell are these villains’ other parents? (Like, who slept with Jafar?! GROSS.) Will they explain that in the sequel, or do babies come by way of stork rather than sex?
– Why is Ben becoming king? He’s only sixteen? And his dad is still alive?! I don’t get it.
– Did anyone else think Ariel’s daughter was gonna swim out of that Enchanted Lake?
– Not a question, but I have to say: I really appreciate the movie’s willingness to overlook the blinding whiteness of the older Disney movies.
– Is Lumiere Auradon Prep’s choir teacher? Please tell me Lumiere is Auradon Prep’s choir teacher.
– That look Mal gave at the end was decidedly … evil. Do we think the sequel will cover that whole grey region between pure good and pure evil? (You know, where most normal people live?)
– Why is Cinderella and Prince Charming’s son such a douchebag?
So, did y’all watch it? More importantly, did you survive it? Hit us up with your opinions in the comments!