The Rundown
Poor Madison is stuck telling Quinn that her father is dead, and while it seems like he was dick, she’s still shaken up about it. When Rachel tries to offer some comfort by saying that she’s sorry to hear about her dad’s passing, Quinn wonders why she isn’t apologizing about talking with Gary. This gal paldom is officially OVER.
Meanwhile, Darius admits to Rachel that he has an existing injury, and it is serious. Like, if he doesn’t have surgery, he might get paralyzed serious. In spite of the advice of his sports doctor (who snuck in under the guise of a messenger) and the protests from Romeo, Rachel convinces Darius to stick it out in order to save his reputation (and earn a sportscaster gig), but her plan for him to simply be a commentator during the powderpuff football game (ugh, thanks, Chet) goes awry when London (the “terrorist” wifey), fueled by Chet and goaded on by Madison, lures Darius onto the field and immediately tackles him.
Chet, who has brought his baby son on set, and Quinn quickly realize that Darius is injured like whoa, and they decide to partner together to score ratings from his injury and get Everlasting back. Rachel and Coleman won’t let that happen, so they bring in a doctor friend to give Darius an epidural (yikes), which means he can stroll out of the house instead of being wheeled out on a stretcher as Quinn and Chet intended. The latter two aren’t the only ones who are pissed — Romeo is upset that Darius is risking his career and his body, so Darius fires him (and Ruby overhears the whole thing go down). Then he chooses to keep Ruby, Chantal, Tiffany, Beth Anne, Yael and… someone whose name I couldn’t catch because I was too busy retching over Chet declaring his love for Quinn. ENOUGH ALREADY, DOUCHEBAG. Fortunately, before Quinn can say anything, the cops show up and arrest Chet for kidnapping his son. SMELL YA LATER, ASSHOLE.
Further testing my gag reflex, Yael shows up at Jeremy’s trailer and asks him about Rachel, then follows that up with a request for a tour… of his body. GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS. She scoops up his keys? I think? I really can’t tell because I JUST CAN’T WITH THIS GIRL RIGHT NOW.
Quinn tells Rachel that they are DONE, and I have a sad, but then Ruby finds Darius, and they are so NOT done. By that, I mean they start K-I-S-S-I-N-G, and of course, Jay and his camera man are there to catch it.
Those two aren’t the only ones doing some lip-locking. Rachel finds Coleman and, in celebration of keeping Darius’ injury a secret, she offers him a beer and some tongue. Yay?
This Week’s Wifey
In spite of bonding with Tiffany during their powderpuff commentary, it looks like Darius has taken a strong liking to Ruby, and I support that! It was especially gratifying after Ruby, in her ridiculous pink uniform, drunkenly told the other girls, “You guys, I was gonna be a doctor,” and everyone laughed. I giggled too, and then… I felt like a terrible person.
Major snaps go to Rachel, who, after spotting Yael talking to Coleman, said, “Twinsie, oh hi, you’re in my seat, thanks.” YA BURNT, HOT RACHEL.
This Week’s Villain
I mean, I always want to say Chet but this time, I can’t decide if the Most Awful award should go to Quinn, for wanting to tank Darius’ career, or Rachel, for not caring if her ambition tanks his spinal chord. Guess I’ll just have to give it to Jeremy, for being DISGUSTING.
True Love, People
Those were real sparks between Darius and Ruby, y’all! Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for Rachel and Coleman.
Quinning
Quinn: “That was a power grab. At least have the balls to own it.”
Speaking THE TRUTH to Rachel.
Quinn: “That caterwauling ball of flesh is the result of you cheating on me with your wife. It came out of her vagina. So no, I don’t want to hold it.”
A perfectly natural response to a baby.
Quinn: “I’d put a pillow over its face right now. Still young enough to claim SIDS.”
Because kids can be back-stabbing brats.
Quinn: “I need tears. I need weeping. I need snot running down your beautiful faces… It’s as if Taylor Swift asked you to be a part of her girl squad and then changed her mind.”
Hitting them right where it hurts.
Quinn: “Work stuff? What other stuff is there?”
The Working Girl of 2016.
And, this isn’t from Quinn, but I had to include it. In the name of feminism.
Jay: “What would Hillary say, Rachel?”
On the godawful, porn-tastic powderpuff uniforms.
Burning Questions
- Can we blame Quinn’s father’s death for why she so quickly partners up with Chet? Because THIS IS INSANITY.
- Did anyone else think Romeo was climbing up on a REAL high horse when he told Rachel that he gave his life for Darius? Sure, friendship is part of it… but the money must’ve been good, too.
- Is there a wifey that anyone cares about besides Ruby? I’m missing Season One, when I was actively rooting for Grace, and Mary, and Anna. It feels like the girls aren’t as well developed this time around.
- Look, I know that Coleman used to be Kostos, but back then he wasn’t hot enough for Alexis Bledel, so how could the writers think he’d be a remotely suitable replacement for Adam?
- Why was Rachel wearing so much make-up in this episode? All the blush in the world won’t convince me that this girl is modest.
What say you, Unreal… Unrealers? Unrealites? What the hell is the name for Unreal fans?
