Previously on UnReal, Darius heads to not-so-sweet home Alabama with Beth Anne, Rachel is extremely unwell and Quinn calls Adam in attempt to “cut out the cancer” that is Coleman.
The Rundown
You know you’re in for a treat when an episode begins with: “The following episode of UnReal contains imagery and dialogue related to gun violence, race and law enforcement in America.” GOOD TIMES.
While Rachel and Coleman are in the middle of sexy time, Adam comes a’ knockin’! He apologizes to her for running away, but she claims to be over him. Riiiiight. Quinn, in full-on machination mode, encourages John Booth to take Coleman under his wing but forbids him from poaching Rachel. Meanwhile, on the show, Adam is there to “help” Darius, but really, he’s there to stare into the camera and talk about how he regrets running away from the love of his life, who later swears to him that she never loved him just before getting busy with him in the bathroom. Ah, Rachel.
This week’s Everlasting episode focuses on the wifeys pitching dates, all of which are incredibly cartoonish. Sure, it’s meant to be funny, but all it really does is highlight the fact that there has been absolutely zero character development with these contestants. (When Chantal says, “Because I know I’ve been made into this one note character,” it’s almost too meta.) Darius picks Chantal, who takes him “to Italy” for the honeymoon she was supposed to have with her fiancee. Because that’s not creepy. Speaking of not creepy, she decides to open a locket containing the dead guy’s ashes so she can truly let him go, but the fans just blow the ashes straight into Darius’ face. He’s had enough (and I don’t blame him), so he calls up Romeo, who returns to set and agrees to go on a joyride with him, plus Tiffany and Hot Rachel, in a Bentley rented for the date. After Madison alerts her to the situation, Rachel decides that it would be a GREAT IDEA to call the cops and report the car stolen so they can film what they assume will be a racially charged encounter between two Black men and the police. They’re not wrong, but when Rachel runs out to stop a cop from handcuffing Darius (who is so totally not going to recover from that back injury), she inadvertently causes Romeo to get shot. Yeah, this is terrible.
Quinn, blissfully unaware, is in the middle of finding out that John Booth is falling for her and that he really wants to have kids (um, whoa?) but is soon back on set after she gets a call from Gary. Apparently, he’s so pissed, he’s given her the power to fire Coleman. BUH-BYE. Rachel is wracked with guilt and hiding in her trailer when Adam arrives and tries to comfort her, but she freaks out and forces him to leave, then calls her mother, who picks her up and takes her home to a mental hospital, where she feeds her lots of pills. Thanks, Mom!
Hot Rachel gets picked up by Jeremy, who is all too eager to tell her all of the crazy shizz that’s gone down in previous seasons of UnReal. And Hot Rachel is all to eager to record it on her phone. I smell a TMZ deal!
This Week’s Wifey
The writers are clearly trying to make this category null and void.
This Week’s Villain
Oh, it’s still Jeremy. I mean, he was only in the episode for a minute but HE’S STILL THE WORST.
True Love, People
There’s clearly still something between Adam and Rachel, but given the current circumstances, I’m not optimistic.
Quinning
Quinn: “Welcome back, meat puppet.”
Giving Adam the welcome he deserves.
Quinn: “And the panties of America drip in unison.”
Giving Adam the props he deserves because THOSE ABS.
But the real zinger of the episode came from Darius:
Darius: “Why would you come back?”
Adam: “Rachel.”
Darius: “Idiot.”
Burning Questions
- Why is Adam so orange?
- Did the writers ever want us to think that Coleman was hot? Because that scene when John Booth walks in and Coleman is suddenly fine with Quinn calling Adam was, like, the most emasculating thing ever.
- Does this show have the best boom mics ever invented? Because Adam and Rachel were yelling at each other just feet away from rolling cameras (for the Italy date), and no one seemed to notice.
- When Rachel told Quinn, “You’re like, obsessed with me,” did anyone else picture this (while your heart was breaking)?
Okay, so this is where I tell you that I’m done recapping this show. I’m sorry, y’all, I hate to flake in the middle of the season but it’s just been so rough. The show I loved has turned into something that I… don’t love. What happened to contestants that we all cared about? What happened to the balance between juicy fun and a thoughtful exploration of reality TV? Most importantly, what happened to Quinn and Rachel’s incredible friendship?
I’m sure the plan is to reconcile Quinn and Rachel by the end, but why did they have to break up in the first place? How did that further the narrative of UnReal in a meaningful way?
It’s a real bummer, but I’m tired of being bummed out, so sayonara, show. It’s been real.
