Can you believe it’s been two years since we passed the flask for the first Fifty Shades drinking game? And now we’re back with more tips on how to survive this absurd assemblage of sex scenes, interspersed with inane dialogue! Time to stock up on booze, friends!

[possible mild spoilers below]

I haven’t read any of the books, so I can’t compare the two (sorry, but I’ve got some bodice rippers from 1985 with better writing). Sadly, this movie isn’t nearly as funny as the first installment. What can I say? Contract negotiations are hilarious.

For a movie featuring an S&M dungeon, this “plot” is pretty vanilla. Ana does get to have more agency this time around (he doesn’t even try to make her eat!), and Christian gets to smile a lot more. And thank whoever is responsible for letting Dornan have some scruff (although it’d be hotter if he grew out the beard, and started murdering people). The lines are still stupid, but delivery is better. I know everyone says these actors don’t have any chemistry together, but I think they try really hard to make this material work.

But does it really matter, when this is happening?

On THAT note, let’s get down to business.

The Official FYA Fifty Shades Darker Drinking Game

Take one sip when:

  • Ana shows some spine.
  • Christian shows some ass.
  • Rita Ora is onscreen (Mia is a delight).
  • A reference to vanilla is made.
  • Christian is ridic controlling.

Take two sips when:

  • Ana’s boss is a douchebag.
  • Christian tosses Ana around like a sack of potatoes.
  • You’re completely distracted by improbable lingerie.
  • It’s patently obvious the actors have very different nudity clauses.

Take a shot when:

  • The phrase “kinky f*ckery” is uttered.
  • Ana gets hers. You’ll know it when you see it.
  • Kim Basinger drops her napkin like it’s a mic.

Chug any time:

  • You think NOPE.
  • You realize you are way too sober for this nonsense.

How much can you expect to drink? I have no idea, y’all. I lost count somewhere around NOPE. But let us know your scores!

Kandis (she/her) is a proud member of the Austin FYA book club chapter who loves vampires, romance novels, live tweeting CW shows, and Jonah Griggs. She’s not like a regular mom. She’s a cool mom.