Happy Thursday, FYAers! It is your good and wise friend Erin, here, come to Show You The Light once again. In this particular case, the Light I am showing you glows very brightly from one Mr. Jack Whitehall’s pants. Because his pants are a gateway to God.
Who is Jack Whitehall, you ask? Well! Jack Whitehall is your new Fake Boyfriend, if he wasn’t your Fake Boyfriend already! And I’m here to explain why you two are going to be very happy together.
I first made Jack Whitehall’s fictional acquaintance a few years ago, when my bestie Courtney raved about this adorable, totally posh comic, but it wasn’t until his stint as host on my favorite music quiz show, Nevermind the Buzzcocks (hint: it’s also my only music quiz show), that I started getting that funny feeling down in my heart for him. And it wasn’t until a marathon of his show Bad Education with the aforementioned Courtney that I was ready to proclaim him my One True Love…or at least until next month.
But just in case you do not keep a dossier of Jack Whitehall’s achievements stored under your bed like I do, I’ve compiled these stats and internet clips so that you can fall in love over a Thursday afternoon.
Biographical Details
Fake Boyfriend Name: Jack Peter Benedict Whitehall
Name says: Super posh! To keep up with your new Fake Boyfriend, try adding some extraneous names to your own name. Perhaps hyphenate your last name, if it isn’t already hyphenated. I shall now be going as Erin Pricilla Rosamonde Callahan-Smythe, in order to sound as posh as possible.
Date of Birth: July 7, 1988
Age says: yikes! He’s younger than my brother! But definitely also smarter and funnier than my brother! Plus if you go with the Divide-by-2-add-Seven rule of dating, which as we all knows says that you can date anyone who meets or exceeds the age you’d get if you divided your own age in half and added seven, then he JUST MAKES IT. For me, anyway. Sorry, older people.
Education Background: Jack attended school with Robert Pattinson AND Kate Middleton! This awful documentary that Lee and I watched about RPatz (called “Robsessed,” and yes, it is on Netflix if you so desire/are drunk) neglected to mention RPatz’s connection with Jack Whitehall, which frankly is a lot more exciting than learning about Rob’s young “acting” “career.”
Education Says: A well-educated, fancy pants young man who probably has Kate Middleton on speed dial! Maybe she’d let us borrow her dresses!
Where You Didn’t See Him: Jack Whitehall tried out for the part of Harry Potter. Spoiler alert: he didn’t get it. All in all, that’s a good thing. It would have been weird to have a crush on Harry Potter, and luckily Dan Radcliffe’s weird rat face prevents it.
Where You Have Seen Him: If you happen to be a very devoted UK Big Brother or Celebrity Big Brother fan, and who isn’t, then you’ll know Jack from Big Brother‘s Big Mouth, where he hosted the CBB portion in 2009. 2009 was, frankly, a lackluster CBB year, even though it did star Coolio, which was entertainment enough. He also had a comedy special air in America on Comedy Central. If you have a habit of watching a bunch of panel shows, like Mock the Week or 8 out of 10 Cats, then you’ve seen him guest as a panelist numerous times. And his television show, Fresh Meat, is available on Hulu! (Well, series one is.)
But, never fear, if you’ve never seen any of Jack Whitehall, you’re about to! Let’s have a YouTube party, y’all!
Circumstantial Evidence
First up are some clips from A League of Their Own Series 6, a sports panel show currently hosted by James Corden (of Gavin and Stacey and History Boys fame), with Enemy of Arsenal (Jamie Redknapp), An Actual Cricket Player (Freddie Flintoff) and our Jack Whitehall as standard panelists. They rarely ever actually talk about sports, as far as I can tell, and spend most of their time having random sports challenges, like this one, where Jack learned to do synchronized swimming:
Or the occasional rap battle:
“Oh god, that was so camp.”
Now, right about now, you may be thinking to yourself, if you are a lady, that Jack Whitehall’s not looking for a girl like you. Or any girl. Ever. Your supposition could be supported by evidence like this…
But Jack Whitehall isn’t gay. He’s just British. Here he talks about how he’s going to impress his future girlfriend by taking her to Nando’s (it’s sort of like the English version of Chick-fil-a? Only not fried? Or virulently homophobic?)
And, once he woos you at the fast-food joint, he’ll take you to his parents’ house and treat you to some romance:
In fact, he’ll treat you to some very English romance:
And then, after your romantic times are over, he’ll watch ANTM with you:
And after that’s over, you guys can sit on the couch and listen to Carly Rae Jepsen:
If you want to go on MORE dates with Jack Whitehall, you can check out the full version of the above clip, this year’s Big Fat Quiz of the Year, plus some more of his stuff below! Have fun on your Thursday afternoon, y’all!
Episode 1 of Bad Education (written by and starring Jack Whitehall):
Last but not least, here’s the first episode from the first series of Fresh Meat, in which Jack sort of plays . . . himself.
