First of all, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!!! To celebrate, we got everyone the gift of this, the Sweet (Jesus) Sixteen Bracket of the Worst Men in Rosewood:
Only one Rosewood Man (ahem) can ultimately reign supreme, but no matter who that ends up being (cough), if you see a variation of any of these elite 16 on a street near you, turn and run. As Spencer so succinctly puts it:
Spencer: “Guys! They’re the worst.”
So get out your mugs of male tears, vote vote vote, and send the bracket on to all your friends!
(1) EZRUGH “MANSPLAINING PEDOPHILE” FITZ VS (16) TOM “new daughter who dis” MARIN
This match-up seems like a no-brainer, but Tom came out of the Bad Dads Prelim the dark horse winner (Catie was sure it would be Byron, Alexis that it would be Peter). Is he strong (weak) enough to topple (underperform) the Almighty Evil Ezra??
Probably not, but at least he will always know he’s the Baddest Dad of our hearts.
(9) LUCAS “MILITARIZED FRIENDZONE” GOTTESMAN VS. (8) WREN “LET’S PLAY DOCTOR” KINGSTON
Rosewood’s OG “Nice Guys” go head-to-head! Both Lucas and Wren have definitely been on *an* A-team in *some* capacity, each out of impotent rage at being passed over by one of the Liars, and both have equally gone out of their way to help the Liars when A went wild. Neither is likely to be the actual professional expert they claim to be. Either might be a secret twin. Honestly, afawac, this is a complete toss-up!
(4) LYNDON “LADY KILLER” JAMES VS. (13) LORENZO “SOUP COP” CALDERON
Okay, Lyndon James (better known as Cousin Nate) was an actual murderer, so we feel pretty safe predicting that he’ll leave Detective Inspector Gadget Lorenzo in the dust. On the other hand, he is dead! And thus no longer a threat to the Liars. Lorenzo, on the other other hand…
(12) GABE “BLAME THE GIRL” HOLBROOK VS. (5) IAN NAT IN MY BACKYARD THOMAS
Remember when Holbrook won a Best In Show award for his tongue being the least likely thing to be in a Liar’s mouth, because he was a professional and respectful non-pedophile adult man? HA. The writers didn’t! Still, him blaming teen girls for his torpedoed career seems par for the course in Rosewood, whereas Ian’s teen-girl peeping, sexing, and threatening set the historic course record.
(2) DARREN “WORST COP” WILDEN VS. (15) “ANYWAY, HERE’S WONDERWALL*” WHITE ROSEWOOD BOY AMALGAM
TBH this matchup is just an opportunity for us to get a real solid callback to Catie’s original #RIGWBFB post. We know who’s winning here.
(Affliction update: Catie’s still a Code Red. Alexis sent her a picture of Noel Kahn’s face on a phone case, and her immediate response was, “…who is that”)
*My favorite catchall dumb whiteboy throwaway reference from an anonymous submission at the late, great PLLAnnotations
(10) NOEL “NOBLESSE NO-BLIGE” KAHN VS. (7) ZACH “DOESN’T DESERVE A LAST NAME” PASTRY CREEP
Speak of the smug devil! This battle is another big ??? for us, as Noel is a more established character, but has occasionally helped the Liars, whereas Zach No-Name wasn’t around much in the long run, but left an indelible mark, establishing the tradition that the Brewniverse of Books always be run by a self-sorry pedophilic creep. We’re excited to see what happens!
(3) KENNETH “PATRIARCHY SO FRAGILE” DILAURENTIS VS. (14) JASON “DO THE CREEP” DILAURENTIS
Ah! DiLaurentis Death Match! We did NOT plan this, and are as delighted to see it as you hopefully are. We also hope that you will remember that Jason had his sibling and best childhood friend ripped away from him, and was pushed aside his whole life to make way for his parents’ affection/antipathy for Alison (blatantly) and Charlotte (secretly). Not that we are trying to tell you what to do! But…you know. Do the right thing.
(11) GARRETT “BAD COP” REYNOLDS VS. (6) ANDREW “FUTURE MRA” CAMPBELL
Yes, that IS Garrett on our bracket, taking F*cking Jonny’s place. We hated Jonny with plenty of fire, believe us, but Garrett was a much more important and ultimately deplorable male figure in the Liars’ lives, and it is entirely our bad that we forgot him in our first round-up. And now here again we have a match-up between a worse evil who is dead, and a lesser evil who still lives to possibly torment the Liars (or any other woman who crosses him) in the future. You tell us what you think!
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
