What a week! You might have *thought* that they were giving their best stuff away with all the Britney footage in last week’s trailer, but nope! That was just the tip of the Czech wedding crown/potent edibles/FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT iceberg. Y’all ready for this? OK…GO.
THIS WEEK’S MVP(arent)
Jane, with an assist from Alba, for finally acting on that frazzled instinct she dissembled to Raf about last week and making a hard decision against her own heart in order to put Mateo first. Also, for making sure Alba and Xo made good decisions and stayed safe during their trip—she even hired a babysitter!
BEST TELENOVELA TWIST
For literally explosive shock value, the crates of live ammunition Milos smuggled in as wedding favors. For “I just screamed a curse at my television” shock value, Michael punching Raf with Mateo only a foot away. For pure entertainment value, Xo and Alba getting baked together on Zed’s king sized chocolate bar. This show really does have it all!
BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Guarneri violins/luthier prestige in general (yeah, I said “luthier”—I KNOW STUFF). I like Petra even more now knowing she has this particular hidden talent? She can’t ONLY be great at giving crazy faces while still being gorgeous.
Runner-up: the reality of reusing outfits! Jane’s striped white dress she wore to the first meeting with Alba’s lawyer? She wore it way back in 1×07!
PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN
Jane “The Virgin” Villanueva got accidentally inseminated WITH hotelier Rafael’s sperm BY hotelier Rafael’s hot mess of sister Luisa. After lots of drama, Jane kept the baby, and now she, Rafael, and baby Mateo are all living happily ever after, the end. JK! Now she’s in a dumb love triangle with “throw money at it and expect it to go away” Raf and her hot-tempered mansplainer detective ex-fiancé, Michael. Also, Raf’s ex-wife Petra secretly inseminated herself with Raf’s only remaining sperm sample in a last gambit to keep him, but instead came out with a forced marriage proposal from HER ex, the acid-throwing Eastern European criminal, Milos. It’s not great for anyone! At least Alba might have something great going for her, now that she’s finally made up her mind to pursue her official green card. For sure nothing will go wrong there!
THIS WEEK
Baby, We Both Know That’s Not How It’s Supposed to Be
Our VoG narrator starts this week’s flashback with a real bait-and-switch, nearly telling us about a day HE’LL always remember—and thus nearly giving us some concrete clues about who, precisely, he is to Jane—before remembering where he is and re-centering the story on a day the Villanueva women will always remember.
That day? June 12, on which in this particular flashback an 18-year old Xo finds herself caught between a mother who has, for some reason, shut herself in her room, and a tiny baby daughter who has, for every reason any tiny baby has ever had, started to draw on the kitchen wall with a marker.
After Alba shouts through the door that she won’t go with Xo to a particular restaurant for dinner that night, Xo picks up an amazingly large cordless 90s phone and calls someone. “Turns out I CAN go to the mall tonight after all,” she tells this unknown person, voice dripping with teen disgust, before she sees what Baby!Baby!Jane is up to and has to hang up. “NO NO NO JANEY!” she starts in, and while she softens her tone when B!B!Jane starts crying, the day (as the VoG underscores) has already left its mark.
The Mind Has No Say In Affairs of the Heart
A day in the present that will leave a mark for all parties involved in Jane’s life is the one in which Jane made up with her BFF through an epic Nelly dance party made out with Michael under the fake snow of a papier mâché Matterhorn and realized that her heart had made up its graffiti-loving mind—a fact about which she and Michael are still giddy the morning after, and over which Rafael, having heard all about it over the baby monitor, is crushed.
While Jane excitedly breaks the news of her decision to Xo, the scene cuts between Michael strutting along a sunny, mural-back sidewalk, munching happily on an apple and doing backflips off of walls (my anti-sports-thing superpower kicked in and I missed Michael’s big flip completely the first THREE TIMES I watched) and Rafael frustratedly confiding in Luisa about how Jane is throwing their family away (and thankfully wincing at the realization that his instinct to shut off the baby monitor and pretend to be sleeping when Jane came in to check on him was exactly what Luisa, Maker of Worst Decisions, would have done).
What Jane and Rafael both independently hit on is the fact that Mateo is intimately involved with whatever Jane decides. For Rafael, obviously, any decision other than himself is to Mateo’s detriment. For Jane, her decision is her own and just needs to be broken properly, so that no hard feelings will last forever. Which is what she wants. With Michael. Forever.
So now she just has to break the news. She heads to the Marbella to do just that—her resolve strengthened when she sees Michael in the lobby, who for no reasonable reason is interviewing Luisa about Sin Rostro, again, and he and Jane share matching heart glows and nearly kiss before Luisa “puts up the block”—but up in his office, Rafael sees the announcement coming and does everything in his power to deflect and change the subject to anything BUT that. “Let’s talk about lawyers!” he says. “And Petra! And Alba’s green card process! And, I dunno, graffiti paint drying!”
I know this technique well! It is very stressful and toxic*! It was very hard to watch! For me AND Jane, who knew exactly what he was up to, and let his behavior give her excuse after excuse to put off doing a very hard thing while she went about the rest of her (VERY FULL) day.
It Seems Like Forever Since We Had a Good Day (Hit Me Baby, One More Time*)
The first stop on Jane’s crazy* tour? Britney Spears’ Crazy Tour! Or rather, Britney Spears AND ROGELIO’S crazy tour, as it turns out that those two kids? They have a longstanding feud over some teleprompter sabotage at a Latin Awards Show years ago, back when they were like best friends (Britney loved his full-body red latex look so he let her have it for her video, you know, the stuff of Best Friendship Dreams), and Britney has apparently spent years dissing and avoiding Rogelio because of it.
But no longer! After Jane lets slip that when she arrived at the Marbella to drop Mateo off before Alba and Xo’s meeting with the immigration lawyer she saw Britney and her dancing entourage checking in, Rogelio abandons Xo and his freshly made sandwich to go loiter in the Marbella lobby until Britney emerges so that he can confront her. It is, of course, incredible. She pretends not to remember his name; he blows up in her face. She calls him “Rujulio” before dance-entouraging away; his rabid, incoherent reaction gets turned into a viral vine. She puts out a restraining order on him; he gets his face and the word “STALKER” printed up on lavender fliers that are passed all around the Marbella.
The stuff of celebrity feud dreams, truly.
Thankfully, Jane is a peacemaker…and a really big Britney fan. And so she goes to Britney’s dress rehearsal to try to make peace on her dad’s behalf (fantastically using “don’t worry, it’s a baby thing” as the fuss-free way to get past Britney’s security team), and sets up a suspiciously clear and un-glitchy Skype summit over which they air out their grievances.
Turns out, Rogelio HAD done something to hurt Britney’s feelings on that particular vacation, he’d just forgotten all about it. And Britney really HADN’T sabotaged the teleprompter. She had just complained about Rogelio in hearing range of the teleprompter tech guy, who had a crush on her. Rogelio certainly understands the trials of being crushed on by mere mortals, but more importantly, he has grown as a person in the past year+ and now can not only empathize with other people’s pain, but recognize when he might be the cause.
And so the feud fizzles!
I Just Want to Get You High Tonight
The other thing filling Jane’s long, Rafael-avoiding day? The meeting with Alba’s immigration lawyer to file Xo’s sponsorship papers!
Alba is decked out in her best blue + red + knowledge of state capitals; Jane’s providing the missing white of the flag, as well as a billion questions for the lawyer; Xo’s got a lock on responsible American citiz—nope. Scratch that. Xo’s NOT got a lock on responsible citizenry, because whoops! Turns out she has a felony on her record, and that could—but maybe not—but possibly might—make trouble for Alba’s green card gambit (#vote #vote #vote).
“WHAT NO WRONG” Jane and Alba start in, at the same time as Xo blurts, “the jewelry thing???” Yes, the lawyer confirms. “The jewelry thing,” that was a not-smooth bit of shoplifting Xo’s then-boyfriend did of a decently expensive ring that she took the fall for, so the boyfriend wouldn’t go to jail. Xo got community service, thought it was wiped from her record, but in Florida it apparently is a felony to shoplift goods in excess of a certain low figure. Thankfully, it is ALSO possible in Florida to get a conviction turned over, if the true guilty partner steps forward!
That’s all Jane needed to know: now they have a plan to fix it. So while Alba goes home to fume over her daughter’s youthful irresponsibility, Xo takes her own daughter down to the boardwalk to find Zed (thanks for the address, Slutty Crystal!). He’s on rollerblades. He’s surfer blonde and bearded. He’s covered in paint. He goes by Jon Snow now (he watches the wall… and sells coke). He’s super chill. Like, SUPER chill.
Only, not chill enough to walk up to a judge and confess just because Xo asks. This refusal sets Xo off, so Jane shuffles her down the boardwalk so she can have a shot at Zed/Jon Snow alone. “Sorry for my mom,” she apologizes, after taking twenty gazillion minutes snapping his butterfly attention back to her. “She’s like, WACK.” Not Jane, though. Jane is ALSO super chill, and like, she so totally gets where Zed is coming from, ya know? ‘Cause, like, who DOESN’T have a couple hobbies they don’t want the cops knowing about, know what I’m sayin’? (“I’ve got so many!” Zed agrees, mind blown) But like, and this is so chill, too, like—the statute of limitations on that shoplifting charge is BUSTED, so like, he won’t even get in trouble for confessing! Ya know? Like, right?
Yeah…no. Zed/Jon Snow totally gets her, but like, he explains after he gifts Jane with a giant 70% cacao edible chocolate bar that literally has the name “The Green Monster” on the label, he has a thing if the cops ask: “I know nothiiiiiiiing.” And he rollerblades backwards out of Jane’s life.
Poll:
Jane Gloríana Villanueva is not one to give up after a single setback, however! She confirms with their lawyer that a judge can independently overturn a conviction with the help of a state’s attorney, and wouldn’t ya know it, but MICHAEL just happens to know one through work! So she calls him right up, and while he’s bummed that her call is about a favor rather than a love triangle decision, he’s all about that Villanueva game, so he gets right on it (…and his new partner gets right on being extra super suspicious of what he might be hiding).
Great! New plan, meeting set up, let’s go let’s go let’s go Jane calls out from the front door when she swings home to pick up Xo and Alba. And Xo and Alba are SO ready! Coiffed and suited and full of pre-meeting-jitter-calming chocolate (like, SUPER chill). Yep! Xo and Alba split almost an entire bar of chocolate with a handwritten “The Green Monster” label, and they are BAKED. Not that they think so. They just think that everything is very funny and probably also the meeting is a trap????????????? and also how are they supposed to know when to stop nodding if Jane doesn’t, like, give them a signal when she’s the one doing all the talking?
So Jane cancels the meeting and, in a clever moment of indefinite language sleight-of-hand, calls Rogelio over to “babysit” two very high women while Jane goes to take care of her third non-love-triangle drama.
We’re Less Than a Zero-Sum Game Now (and Baby We Both Know That’s Not How It’s Supposed to Be)
Third drama? Petra’s wedding!!! Yep, that’s why Britney Spears is at the Marbella—as the main act for TODAY’S wedding to Milos that Petra, try as she did, just could not talk her way out of. “I don’t love you!” “Sure, NOW. Just wait!” “…I’m pregnant. With Rafael’s baby.” “I VILL RAISE BASTARD AS MY OWN.” Nothing worked! So Petra agreed to go through with the wedding, with the stipulation that they both agree that a) it is only for tax shelter purposes, b) she has zero feelings for him, and c) NO SEX.
Well, how could Milos say no to all that? He can’t, is how! And so he books Britney and the Marbella’s largest event room and orders in wedding cake samples and just crates and crates and crates of other wedding party paraphernalia and swans around like a man who knows the best secret in the world.
And he does! No—not love. He knows Petra, because surprise! He’s got her bugged. A fact Petra figures out rather quickly after she recounts the mostly sweet but also creepy story of their first romance in Prague to a very concerned Jane and includes a detail about the make of a fancy violin Milos gifted her with then that was untrue…and he later follows through by gifting her a NEW violin of the make she had mistakenly remembered.
And so Petra realizes that there is no safety for her, even in her private suite, even to take advantage of the unexpected gift of Jane’s kind concern—which Jane proves by going to talk to Magda to get dirt on Milos Petra can can use to extract herself from his clutches (98% for Mateo’s/unnamed new baby’s safety, but 2% for Petra herself). And so Petra plays her part, admitting to Jane that ugly as it may be, she is marrying Milos for his money. And even though Jane can’t talk her out of it and doesn’t approve, she does help Petra situate the colorful Czech bridal crown on her head.
It’s a nice, sad moment. I hope the two of them get more together.
I Go Too Hot & You Go Too Cold & We Both Fall Apart
When Jane returns to Raf’s office to let him know about Petra’s final decision, she also realizes that there will NEVER be a “right” time to break her Michael decision to him. Raf senses what she is about to say and stops her—only, to tell her he already knows, not to deflect. “Don’t say it,” he says. “Just go.” But then he stops her, unable to let her go without venting his frustrations. Namely, that she is throwing their family away, and that Michael is NOT a good guy.
“You’re wrong,” she says. “I’m not—he’s shady and has it out for me,” he rejoins. “That’s not true!” Jane says. And then they head to Petra’s wedding, Mateo in tow, where Michael, who has just been informed by his boss that he’s on desk duty because an anonymous informant came forward with news that Michael had let Nadine walk after the kidnapping, finds them and BLOWS HIS TOP.
“You turned me in?!?!?!” he screams, pushing at a completely confused Rafael. “This entitled ass cost me my job!” he screams delusionally at Jane, as she quickly pulls Mateo’s carrier into as much safety as she can. “Remember what I told you on the baby monitor???” Raf is confused; Jane is scared; Michael is seeing nothing but red. He slams his fist into Raf’s eye, then slams his body against a glass table, which shatters and slices into baby Mateo’s arm. And me? I scream a curse at my television. F*CKING MICHAEL.
The Writing’s on the Wall (Even If It’s the Last Thing That We Do Together)
Rafael and Jane take off immediately to care for Mateo. The doctor on the phone tells Raf that everything should be fine, just come in tomorrow if it doesn’t look better. Rafael tells Jane that this is exactly what he was saying before—that Michael is not a good, safe guy, and that he will *always* have it out for Rafael, for the rest of Mateo’s life. Jane switch tracks a bit, coming back with a question as to whether or not Rafael was the anonymous informant, but Rafael’s hurt and shock only serve as further evidence that having Michael around will eternally mess with their collective ability to correctly interpret reality and keep Mateo safe.
When Jane and Mateo return home, they find a sober Xo and Alba in the middle of a heart-to-heart on the porch swing. Alba finally read Xo’s arrest report and saw the date it was filed—June 12, which turns out (unsurprisingly) to be the anniversary of Abuelo Mateo’s death. And that year, Alba was too drowned in grief to pay attention to the fact that Xo had invited her to have dinner at his favorite restaurant, and that her rebellious action only came after Alba rebuffed her. “I should have been there for you,” Alba says, as Jane approaches. “What kind of mother doesn’t always put the needs of her own child first?”
And, finally, Jane sees the right writing on the wall: she needs to be that mother. And that means not choosing Michael, because he is not going to make Mateo’s life safer. She is heartbroken when telling him this; he is heartbroken hearing it. I am not heartbroken at all, because I stopped understanding how she could be so blind to his real, bad news for her flaws long ago—mostly I am just ecstatic that a) the love triangle is kaput, and b) that it was Michael himself who scuttled it, rather than some random external force that might have just put it on ice for awhile. But I do allow that it is a very emotional scene that deserves to have pulled tears from audiences less stonehearted than I.
The worst part of this whole thing for Michael is that the whole incident could have been avoided, a fact he learned after he fled from the fight to the station, where he snuck onto his commanding officer’s computer to see what evidence he might have collected on the Sin Rostro case and not shared with Michael and surprise! found an interview that proves that it wasn’t Rafael via Jane who informed the cops of Michael’s shadiness, but one of Nadine’s friends. Double surprise! Susanna spied Michael acting even shadier than normal and turned him in, costing him his job for real. Triple surprise (though not for me, as the JtV Writer’s Room twitter account spoiled this moment four minutes before it actually aired), Nadine was lying in wait in Michael’s car to kidnap him after he left the station in shame.
Man, I don’t like the guy for a romantic or heroic lead, but even I don’t want him trapped in Sin Rostro’s clutches. Poor dude!
Oh, right, and Petra’s wedding party: turns out all those crates were full of live ammunition! Because Milos is now an arms dealer! And Petra is now his wife, and so can’t testify on his behalf! HA. HA HA. HA.
And that’s it! Some questions for discussion:
- What are some of Jon Snow’s other “hobbies”?
- What was the best offhanded reference to the Spears oeuvre?
- What kind of sandwich is Rogelio eating? How is he allowed to remain within the walls of the Villanueva household having chosen something OTHER than grilled cheese? Just how many hours exactly is he actually putting in on the Santos set these days? LOL does he even go at all???
- Exactly what would a high Alba Villanueva have tagged Jon Snow’s mural with, had she gone through with her threat?
Rough week. Here, let’s all watch the Villanueva women crying and laughing as Baby!Mateo gives his first smile just as Alba says she knows Abuelo!Mateo is smiling down on them all:
NEXT WEEK
We experience a surprise mini-time jump as each of the episode’s three acts encompasses a month’s time! Also, Petra’s having [surprise poll!]:
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
