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Previously: Alison wants to run for school trustee; Sarah finds out that Mrs. S traded Helena to Project Castor in return for Sarah’s freedom from Dyad; the Castor clones are hunting Leda clones and they’re also after Ethan Duncan’s research, which might be in Cosima’s possession, and now they’re both on the loose!
Confession, y’all: I’m not really feeling this season yet. Granted, there’s a lot of prior awesome to live up to, and Tatiana Maslany will always be amazing. But in terms of plot, I’m still waiting to be completely invested in the main storyline. Maybe I need a more compelling villain? Not necessarily in reference to the Castor clones, but both of the previous seasons have had clone enemies (Helena, Rachel) and super shady enemies (Tomas, Henrik, Leekie). Here’s hoping Mother and maybe Dr. Nealon turn up their villain game soon.
Clone Club Chronicles
To celebrate his newfound freedom, Scar Rudy has some sexytimes with an unknown lady (i.e., not Leda) in a hotel room. But then, OH NO — Mustache Seth suddenly joins in, because Scar Rudy says, “we’re brothers. We were taught to share.” TWINCEST THREESOME ICK NO. A sentiment shared by the woman (Patty, according to the credits), who later files a police report that piques the reinstated Art’s interests, once he sees that the suspects look like Prolethean Mark. Based on their matching two-headed horse tats on their left forearms (Chekov’s tattoo!), Art also figures out that both dudes are Black Ops.
When Sarah catches wind of the Castor clones, she Sarahs her way to the police precinct to speak with Patty. Because blatant disregard of someone’s wishes is totally OK when Sarah does it, but no one else. Yes, I know the betrayals are much different, but Sarah’s still a touch hypocritical. Besides, Art’s just an outsider who’s caught up in all of this clone conspiracy! Don’t fuck up his life anymore than you already have, Sarah. (Then again, if she didn’t, Art would no longer be on the show. Carry on, I suppose.)
Anyway. Once Patty rejected the Castor team-up, they became REAL angry and creepy (creepier); they took down all her personal info, and Mustache Seth yanked out some of her hair as a crazy keepsake. Art calls it assault, but Patty bitterly remarks that because she consented to Scar Rudy, whatever happened afterwards wouldn’t be considered rape. But wait — consent can be revoked anytime, Patty! Even if you said ‘yes’ initially, a ‘no’ afterwards means STOP. (I am by no means a fountain of knowledge on consent and sexual assault, but that one line stood out to me.)
So what are Scar Rudy and Mustache Seth up to anyway? They get a visit from Big Major Dick Paul, who comes bearing a neurocognitive analysis logic test for the both of them. Defiant and unafraid to push limits with Paul as he is, Scar Rudy passes, while the more obedient Mustache Seth does not. Paul issues extraction orders for both of them to go back to base. Scar Rudy questions whether this is coming from Paul or Mother, and omg I will never not hear a grown man refer to Mother and immediately think of Buster Bluth.
Extraction time. Scar Rudy refuses to play along like a good little soldier and go back to base, while Mustache Seth is h-core glitching (aka the equivalent of the Leda respiratory failure?). With Mustache Seth as lookout, Scar Rudy infiltrates Felix’s Fortress of Attitude. Inspired by the funeral painting of Sarah, Scar Rudy gives himself a makeover with red X’s on his eyes. Oh, and he’s looking for Ethan Duncan’s research and Castor original tissue samples, too.
Sarah and Kira return to the Fortress of Attitude — which, as much as I love it, is probably the least safe place in all of Toronto Whatever City They Might Be In, given that literally all their enemies know its location. Scar Rudy’s got Kira in his clutches, and he’s demanding that Sarah hand over Duncan’s work. BUT THEN: Cal, who couldn’t get ahold of Sarah (seriously, that makes it two tense scenes in two episodes that would have diffused if people answered their damn clone phones!), goes to Felix’s and runs into Mustache Seth. The ensuing facial hair showdown draws Scar Rudy’s attention away to tend to Mustache Seth, whose glitching has severely worsened. Scar Rudy then DOUBLE TAPS HIS OWN BROTHER to end his suffering.
After yet another villain holding her daughter hostage, Sarah lets Cal take care of her and run away to Iceland (meaning that I really did just accidentally take an Orphan Black tour of Europe). Damn you, Michiel Huisman’s increasingly busy sched and probs also Skyler Wexler’s inevitable growth spurts. So much for family ball hockey at Cal’s new place in the city. Well, at least your characters are still alive to come back some day.
With Kira and Cal out of the picture, Sarah’s more determined than ever to get Helena back from Project Castor. Where to even start? Track down the one Castor clone that she actually knows: Mark. So what’s he and Gracie up to these days? Nothing says ‘honeymoon’ like waking up in a motel room without your husband by your side because he’s secretly BLOWTORCHING A TATTOO OFF HIS ARM in the bathroom.
In other clone news, Helena is getting waterboarded by Soldier Castor (which isn’t a helpful descriptor since they’re all soldiers, but you know what I mean). It’s only stopped when Mother aka Dr. Virginia Coady discovers that Helena is preggo. After putting her through the Castor neurocognitive analysis test, Mother tries to convince Helena that her family sold her out. She and Sarah have been through this song and dance before, but hot damn — I hope Helena knows better than to believe that by now.
Meanwhile, Cosima is in better health and palling around with Scott, with whom she meets Dr. Nealon, the new resident MD and geneticist at Dyad (so, Leekie 2.0). And Cos is in no mood for bullshizz; she confronts Nealon about when Dyad planned to disclose Scar Rudy’s escape, as well as the the whereabouts of the original genomes for both Leda and Castor. Project Leda originally began with the Duncans under the military. When the military shut it down, the Duncans jumped ship to Dyad, and they brought with them the genetic material for two lines of clones: female and male. The identities of the original donors were only known to the Duncans, and Dyad was under the assumption that Castor never took off. I’m inclined to take Nealon’s word mostly for face value, but between Dyad, Topside, and the military, the conspiracy train is getting awfully crowded.
Finally, Alison’s determined to run for school trustee, despite not having the funds to do so. They can’t exactly sell the house for extra cash (Alison: “And what would we do with the corpse in the garage?”), but Ali has another idea in mind. Ramon, the teenage suburban drug dealer, is getting out of the game to focus on college, and Alison wants to take over his business. Not only would she be able to sell drugs to the soccer mom circuit, but the transactions would guarantee their votes for school trustee. Two birds, one stone! And, really — what’s a little blackmail for a family of drug dealing murderers?
Clone Crush
None of the clones really had a standout episode to me. But I’ll go with Helena because mangos.
Maximum Maslanys
Cos and Sarah briefly chattted over the phone, and Sarah pretended to be Beth once more. Otherwise, Tatiana Maslany gets a break from acting opposite herself… so that she could get waterboarded.
Felix Felicis
Fee’s handing out new clone phones! Including one for Mrs. S and her Katniss braid, whom he’s taking care of in the wake of Mustache Seth’s attack. Ever the peacekeeper in his family, Felix reassures Mrs. S that Sarah will eventually come around, and Sarah that she’s doing the right thing by letting Cal take care of Kira.
Fee also finally meets Cosima’s Fee.
Eyes up top, Scott. (I’d ship it.)
Leda vs. Castor
There were no new Leda casualties (thank g’ness), but Castor still has the upper hand, even with the death of Seth Mustache. Let’s call this one a draw.
Friend or Foe
Cal might be a doting dad who loves the Manning girls, but he hasn’t ‘fessed up to Sarah that he weaponized his micro-optics tech himself. Like Paul says, that’s not the kind of thing Cal would probably want to brag about, and I guess everyone has their secrets. But they’re just not usually MILITARY KILLING MACHINE secrets.
Though Paul’s not one to talk on the honesty front, having lied-within-a-lie to Sarah (and Beth, before her) since they first met. As much of a Paul fan and apologist I am, his loyalty to Sarah is… perplexing. They had a brief and passionate sexytimes affair, before the first of many betrayals. No matter which master he serves, Paul still harbours a soft spot for Sarah, who basically hasn’t given two shits about him over the past season. Maybe it’s just cynicism, but their relationship thus far doesn’t convince me why he would take all these risks for her. Or maybe Paul’s just thinking for himself and doing the g-d right thing for a change. In any case, I expect there’ll be more Sarah-Paul now that Cal’s gone.
And obvs, it bears repeating: superficially speaking, Sarah has great taste.
Cloned Quotes
Donnie: “Fist me. Fist me!”
Oh, Donnie. Never change.
Alison: “Oh, we have the stones.”
Never underestimate the size of the Hendrixes’ cojones.
Donnie: “Yeah, don’t doubt our stones. We have ample stones.”
Helena: “Where are these mangoes? […] I would like to see these mangoes.”
[…]New spin-off idea: when Helena meets Mango.
Pupok: “Keep provoking them, and we’ll never get any mangoes.”
Biggest “OMG DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!?” Moment
Mark burning off his tat was majorly ACK GROSS, but Scar Rudy mercy killing Mustache Seth was sheer unexpected shock. We hardly knew ye, Mustache Seth. Like why you chose to grow a mustache in the first place.
It’s still early in the season (although technically also 20% into it), and I have plenty of faith in this creative team to turn things around. But can an episode that contains waterboarding and an attempted threesome actually be a little underwhelming? Let me know in the comments!
Next Episode
Sarah and Felix have a dead Mustache Seth to deal with; Art comes looking for Sarah while withholding SECRETS; and Mother wants Scar Rudy back in the field.
