Previously on UnReal, Adam sends Faith home, Quinn blackmails Rachel and Adam with their sex tape, Dr. Wagerstein makes a power play, and Adam asks Rachel to run away with him.
MAN OH MAN. Just like any good reality show, UnReal brought out the big guns for the finale, and I thanked our collective lucky stars for the thousandth time that this show got renewed because if it hadn’t, I’d be burning Lifetime to the ground right now. And I don’t have time for that shizz.
The Rundown
The episode opens with Rachel leaving a sleeping Jeremy in bed with a note beside him. (We later learn that it simply says, “I don’t deserve you.” TRUTH.) At the same time, Adam is creeping out of a bed that contains a sleeping Anna, so it looks like these crazy kids are running off together! Yeah right, like Quinn would let that happen. She spies Adam walking out with a suitcase, and next thing we know, Adam is greeting an exhilarated Rachel on the airport tarmac with the news that he’s changed his mind. “This thing we have is heroin. It’ll burn out, and leave one of us dying alone in a bar in Paris. And I can live with that if it’s me, but not you,” he says, and if her face falling isn’t killing him, it’s certainly killing me. Good thing she didn’t leave a detailed note for Jeremy! Adam tells her that he has to grow up, but follows that with, “Rachel, you mean everything to me, you do. But we’re not good for us.” I mean, he does have a point there, but I still feel terrible for the clearly devastated Rachel, who jumps back in the cab.
Back at the house, Adam runs into Quinn again and tells her what happened. Quinn assures Adam that Rachel will be fine by saying, “That’s why I’m here, to protect her from herself.” It’s easy to pass off that line as a delusional (and bitchy) comment but by this point, the writers have done a great job of establishing the fact that Rachel and Quinn actually do care about each other. Even if it serves her best interest, Quinn does feel like she’s protecting Rachel. Who, by the way, is sitting by the water with mascara running down from her CRAZY EYES. Girlfriend looks like the cover of a Hole album right now.
Right after getting a call from Brad’s assistant, canceling her pitch meeting with Brad (UGH), Quinn walks into her office to discover Madison, Dr. Wagerstein and Chet waiting for her. The latter two are there, says Madison, “to make sure that you don’t push me into doing something that I don’t want to do.” Madison, you are THE WORST. (I mean, besides Chet, who just made you a producer.) Quinn demands that the other two women leave so she can have it out with Chet, and he’s not even sorry?! Quinn points out that, “she [Madison] was me fifteen years ago,” and now I’m really hoping that she’s dumping Chet’s ass for good because NO.
After Chet leaves, Rachel walks in (still rocking that — I’ll be nice– smoky eye look) and announces, “I want to produce the greatest finale in Everlasting history.” Unreal cuts away before divulging what that entails, but I’m guessing she wants Anna to leave Adam at the altar. After agreeing to make it happen, Rachel and Quinn swap stories about how stupid they’ve been to believe in love. You know, just some typical girl talk!
Rachel finds Jeremy and apologies for leaving, but he pretends like he didn’t see the note. But since he overheard Anna and Grace talking about Adam’s abrupt departure from the bed, something is definitely up. Jeremy knows it, and I know it, and I’m very upset about what is probably going to happen because THOSE EYES.
On Everlasting, Grace and Anna are looking at wedding dresses, because reality TV is mean. Speaking of mean, Britney walks in! Dammit, Lifetime, I really wish you’d kept this a secret, because I can see from Rachel and Quinn’s face that it makes a killer surprise. Rachel tries to shoo Britney out, but apparently Chet invited her. Of course he did. “So stop looking at me with those watery turd eyes,” Britney tells Rachel, “and get me a damn wedding dress… bitch.”
Quinn accosts Chet about the fact that he brought Britney back, and while I agree that he’s an idiot, I have to admit, it’s good to see that bitch again. She also gives him back his ring and, professional as cuss, says, “Let’s just make a great finale.” Oh Quinn, I cannot WAIT to see what you’ve got up your sleeve.
Still trying to nab her man, Grace tells Adam she’s the better choice. “You already know what my mouth can do,” she whispers, after calling Anna “Anna-rexic.” You’re a real class act, Grace, but you’re also pretty smart, and it looks like you might have swayed Adam? So much so that Rachel, who needs Anna to win for her plan to work, interferes and tells Grace that she slept with Adam. Grace doesn’t go for it and sneers back, “See the thing is, Rachel, you’re a manipulating slut, and you’d happily humiliate me, I’m sure.” I’m not a fan of the s-word but other than that, the girl isn’t wrong.
While prepping for a scene, Jeremy tricks Adam into telling him what happened with Rachel. AUUGGGHHHH NOOOOOO. I can’t believe Adam fell for that! This is one of those times when I get REALLY UPSET about the fact that characters can’t hear me through the television screen. “Guess we both dodged a bullet on that one,” says an unusually calm Jeremy, and now I’m super worried.
Thankfully, my heart rate has a chance to slow down during Rachel and Quinn’s hilarious banter about future reality shows. “Ballet? They don’t have boobs,” declares Quinn, after Rachel pitches a show at the Royal Ballet. They come up with “The Whole Package,” which would be a cross between The Intern and Everlasting, and if that’s the show they run for Season Two, I am totally okay with that.
Now everyone’s in London for the wedding! And Rachel has even found Adam’s Duchess grandmother, Camille Cromwell. (Or is she a ringer? I’m a little foggy on that.) Even if she’s not the real deal, I don’t care, because this lady is a SPITFIRE. Rachel’s got her on Team Anna, so when Adam confides that he’s leaning towards Grace, Camille responds, “We don’t marry brown people, we just don’t.”
Adam listens to grandma and, in the proposal scene, chooses Anna. I aaaaaalmost feel sorry for Grace, but I’m too busy coveting Anna’s dress and cracking up over the doves, which, according to Quinn, are actually just pigeons that have been painted white.
Right after Anna accepts and the filming cuts, Jeremy grabs Rachel and acts like he’s about to propose, but when he gets down on one knee, he pops an entirely different question. “How stupid do you think I am?” OH SNAP x ALL THE SNAPS. He calls her poison and says, “I’m gonna make sure you never hurt anyone like this again.” HOLY. HELL. WHAT A SCENE. I do feel for Rachel but I also feel for Jeremy, and I’m glad that he stood up for himself, even if he just gave Rachel ten more years of therapy. Most of all, though, I feel the need to find a gif of Britney’s face because it is GLORIOUS.
The next day, Quinn wakes up to find Rachel in her bed. She tells her to keep her shizz together until they can finish the finale, and Rachel agrees. Girlfriend is insanely good at compartmentalizing, because the next thing you know, she’s dragging Adam (looking dashing in his wedding suit) to the church confessional to ask him why he changed his mind about running away with her. “Tell me what’s wrong with me?” she cries, and completely freaks out. Someone’s been taking notes from the contestants! He denies that his marriage to Anna will be anything real, then quickly escapes, causing Rachel’s face to go from Tearful to Stone Cold in less than two seconds. DAYUM. She yanks open the priest door of the confessional and finds Anna, who heard the whole thing (according to Rachel’s plan, obviously) and will most likely not be walking down the aisle today. Well played, Rachel.
As the crew prepares to go live with the ceremony, Quinn hands the walkie talkie to Chet (in front of Brad, who is there to watch) so he can call the shots. “I don’t want to steal your thunder,” she mutters, which is Quinn-speak for, “I’m about to make you look like a f*cking idiot.” The camera pans the audience, where we see Camille sipping on champers (nice!) and Britney asking, “Where did you get that?” I’ll take a gif of that too, please. Thanks, internet!
The orchestra plays “Here Comes The Bride”… but she ain’t coming. Rachel pops up to the altar to inform Adam, on live TV, that he’s going home alone, and there will be no Royal Renovations. SUCK ON THAT, ADAM!!!! Britney, ever the opportunist, leaps up and is all, “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!” She informs the viewers at home that Chet brought her back to sleep with him because “this show is his personal whorehouse,” while Chet, who doesn’t seem to know how to work a walkie talkie, totally panics. Brad begs Quinn to take over, and she agrees, only after demanding and receiving his full support. Chet, looks like you just got SERVED. Or should I say, QUINNED.
Quinn immediately gets the finale back online and catches up with Anna, the Runaway Bride. She gives Rachel and Quinn what they want– a big ole eff-you to Adam– but she also gives herself a rousing send-off, saying that she deserves better. Anna, you earned a standing O in my living room for that rousing monologue. Way to go out with a classy bang!
Adam confronts Rachel and tells her that Quinn is the reason he changed his mind. More specifically, Quinn telling him that Rachel was hospitalized for her mental problems is what changed his mind. Rachel insists that Quinn lied (but did she?) and tells Adam that he believed what he wanted to believe. Sorry, Team Adam, but you’re DUNZO.
The next scene features Rachel in a similar position to where she ended the pilot– back on a lawn chair with a drowning expression in her eyes. Quinn arrives with some champers to celebrate their victory (and pours WAY too little into their glasses), and Rachel attempts to get Quinn to confess about what she told Adam. Quinn shakes it off, telling Rachel she needs to get over that “half-wit narcissist man doll” and focus on their future work together. “You should be kneeling down thanking – whatever – that you didn’t end up as Everlasting‘s ultimate tabloid idiot, alright?” Quinn says. “This was a gift.” And we all know she’s right. Jeremy may have dodged a bullet, but Rachel did too.
The last few moments between Quinn and Rachel are perhaps the best, most well-acted moments of the entire season:
“We killed somebody, didn’t we?” asks Rachel.
“Yeah,” answers Quinn. “Let’s not do that again.”
They make a few jokes about “The Whole Package” (fingers crossed for Season Two!) until Rachel turns to Quinn and says, “I love you. You know that, right?”
“I love you too,” mutters Quinn. AND ALL WAS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.
That is, until Jeremy shows up at Rachel’s mom’s house to tell her that Rachel is sick again and they have to do something. OH GREAT.
This Week’s Wifey
The answer is clearly Anna. Not because she won the show, but because, in the end, she chose herself. Now get thee home, lady, so you can hang with your little bro, enjoy your sweet Everlasting money and see a doctor about that eating disorder.
This Week’s Villain
Is it Chet? Adam? Jeremy? I DON’T KNOW. WHAT IS RIGHT? WHAT IS WRONG? This show has totally screwed with my moral compass.
True Love, People
Since there was zero romance in this episode, I just want to give mad pants to the writers for that Jeremy proposal fake-out because WOW.
Quinning
(The category formerly known as “Bitch, Plz”)
Adam: “I ruined her.”
Quinn, speaking the truth.
Quinn: “Oh please, Rachel does that just fine on her own.”
Quinn: “What the hell, Longstocking?”
To Madison. NICE ONE.
Quinn: “Don’t break your arm trying to pat yourself on the back.”
To Chet, after he invited Britney back for the finale.
Quinn: “I cannot live through another year of bulimia and side boob covered in glitter.”
On the possibility of working on another season of Everlasting.
Quinn: “Today is not the day you get to lose your mind, you hear me? Tomorrow, you can jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, walk into traffic, whatever. But today, I need you on your toes.”
Quinn’s version of a pep talk for Rachel.
Burning Questions
- Do you think that Adam got what he deserved? Was he really not that great of a person, or did Quinn just masterfully manipulate him?
- How did you feel about Jeremy’s public shaming of Rachel?
- What show will Quinn and Rachel run in Season Two? Personally, I’m hoping it involves Britney and Camille teaming up because I could watch that dynamic duo for hours.
- Is Adam gone for good?
- Will the show make me hate Jeremy in Season Two? Probably. BUT THOSE EYES.
- How much do you love Quinn and Rachel’s friendship? SO MUCH.
Let’s dish in the comments and distract ourselves from the fact that we have to wait AGES for Unreal to return.
