Here on the site, we’ve always been open about our swimfan obsession with Mandy Moore. She’s beautiful and talented and totes adorable, and she’s got that certain je ne sais quoi that makes us wanna give her a platinum BFF charm and invite her over for slumber parties where we eat ice cream out of the carton, giggle about boys, and do lip synch routines while jumping on the bed. And the next morning, when the slumber party ends, we’d ask her to just move in, because our lives are a dreary wasteland without her pure, radiant light.
In fact, we love her so much, we’ll watch anything–ANYTHING–that she’s in. Even if it went straight to DVD and looks like shizz and features a Twilight star, we’ll STILL watch it. (Ahem, see below.) Based on this pathetic fact, Megan No H recently came up with the idea to start a series in which we review movies that we watched solely because Mandy Moore stars in them. And thus, today’s post was born.
I’ve taken some elements from our Highly Scientific Film Analysis structure and combined them with a few new factors in order to effectively evaluate the Mandy Moore-ness of the movie. Now, let us begin the science with our inaugural subject: Love, Wedding, Marriage.
The So-Called Plot
Mandy Moore plays a marriage counselor (the character name isn’t important, because she’s MANDY MOORE) who recently got married to Charlie. They’re, like, so totally in love, you guys, but then something sad happens: Mandy finds out that her parents, who’ve been married for ages, are getting divorced! And, as if that wasn’t shattering enough, Mandy also discovers that Charlie’s been married before! (But it was one of those quickie, drunken Vegas things, so I don’t understand why everyone makes such a BFD about it.) All of this news is a huge blow to Mandy’s identity as a marriage counselor, a wife and a daughter, and she kinda goes bananas trying to get her parents back together. But are her attempts to save her parents’ marriage ruining her own?
Casting Callback
Really, it doesn’t matter who else is in the movie besides Mandy Moore, but I’ll tell you anyway.
Kellan Lutz as Mandy’s Husband, Charlie
It’s Emmett from Twilight! Without the white face paint!
James Brolin as Mandy’s Dad and Jane Seymour as Mandy’s Mom
That James Brolin is one smooth operator. And oh what, MOTHERCUSSING DR. QUINN IN THE HOUSE!
Jessica Szohr as Mandy’s Sister
There is never a reason for Jessica Szohr to be in a movie, and that is especially apparent in this film.
Cameo Bonus: Andrew Keegan!
Hey, it’s my favorite ’90s teen movie villain! Yay?
There’s also a cute cameo by Alyson Hannigan and Wesley and a super weird one by Christopher Lloyd.
Chemistry Grade: D
Yeah, I made this image a little bigger than the others because GOOD MORNING SHIRTLESS. But even with Kellan’s bangin’ bod and Mandy Moore’s GORGEOUS BEAUTY, there is absolutely no sparkage between these two. I blame Kellan, because how bad of an actor do you have to be if you can’t simply react to Mandy Moore’s radiance?
Most Mandy Moore-tastic Scene
When she dumps sprinkles into a huge carton of ice cream and then eats it with a big spoon. I LOVE HER.
Mandy Moore Hair-O-Meter (5-10): 6
Note that the Hair-O-Meter isn’t calibrated to go below five, because it is empirically impossible for Mandy’s hair to score anything less than a five. With that said, her hair in this film ended up with a six, which is definitely on the low end for her. I liked the super dark color, but it needed more volume. Plus, whenever she wore it pulled back, it made her look… I don’t know if I can bring myself to say it. Ok, ok… it made her look like a soccer mom. I KNOW! I’M SORRY MANDY! As far as I’m concerned, the hair stylist on this film is FINISHED IN HOLLYWOOD.
Best Mandy Moore Outfit
Well, obviously, it’s her wedding dress. Girlfriend is a spectacularly beautiful bride! It just makes me wonder what she wore when she got married in real life. And then I get depressed because I wasn’t invited to their wedding, and I’ll probably never be friends with them, and WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL?
Mandy Moore Incandescence Level: Low
SIGH. Maybe it’s the fact that Dermot Mulroney was the director (?!), or maybe it’s because the script totally and completely sucks balls, but Mandy’s usual radiance is a bit dim in this film. BUT IT’S NOT HER FAULT! She has to play a character who is totally annoying and childish and kinda stupid, and while I applaud her for choosing a role so different from her real self, it pains me to see her like this.
Can Mandy Moore Save This Movie: No
Even Mandy Moore, with all of her loveliness and charisma, can’t salvage this film, and THAT’S SAYING A LOT Y’ALL. Girlfriend is my shining star, but she’s only one person, and the movie doesn’t throw her any bones. Sure, there’s a lavish vineyard with a mansion, and the cameos are cute, and Kellan’s chest is very cut, but THE SCRIPT IS SO BAD! And the movie is so boring! And Mandy is forced to eat mayonnaise on toast which is THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I’VE EVER SEEN. In fact, I had to go watch Saved for the 100th time just to wipe that image from my brain.
Mandy Moore, honey, I will always love you, but the next time one of your actor buddies approaches you with a script written by someone whose credits include the 90210 reboot and the MTV Video Music Awards, just smile your sweet smile and tell them to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR CAREER.
