About the Book
-
Author:
- Jennifer McMahon
- Genre:
- Fantasy
- Voices:
- Cis Girl
- White (Non-Specified)
Cover Story: Say My Name!
BFF Charm: Nay
Swoonworthy Scale: 0
Talky Talk: Twisty Turny Creepy
Bonus Factor: Legitimate Spookiness, Gerbers Graduates
Relationship Status: The First Date That Freaked Me The Hell Out Even While Seducing Me
Cover Story: Say My Name!
AHHHH. KIDS ARE SO CREEPY. And close up pictures of unsmiling kids are the creepiest! But what is even creepier than that? PICTURES OF KIDS WHO LOOK LIKE THE CHILDLIKE EMPRESS!!!!
Okay, so, here’s the deal. I was simultaneously in love with and repulsed by The Childlike Empress as a kid. On the one hand, she ruled a kingdom! And lived in an ivory tower in the sky that SORT of looked like a vagina! And she had that bitchin’ pearl headband thing! PLUS you know that she could have had it off with Atreyu, if she wanted to. And who wouldn’t want to?! Well, possibly someone who made their home in a vagina castle. I can see where that wouldn’t work out well for them.
On the oooother hand, all she did was sit around and cry all the time because her empire was being consumed by the Great Nothing. Her depression caused it! Maybe she should have gotten on some damn Zoloft, made up her own name, and finally get to livin’, as the Dolly Parton song so wisely suggests. ALSO? Some cucumbers over those eyes would not go amiss, honey.
All of this to say . . . this kid sort of looks like The Childlike Empress, no? Maybe it’s just me. I think all children with slicked back hair look like The Childlike Empress. I see her everwhere. I wish I saw Falcor everywhere. That would be better.
The Deal:
12-year-old Lisa and her younger brother Sam live next door to one hell of a spooky town. Town lore claims that, many years earlier, all of the residents of Reliance, Vermont randomly disappeared over night, following a fairy down to his Kingdom below. All the residents save one, that is; Lisa and Sam’s grandfather, a baby at the time, was left behind, and some whisper that he is a changeling – half-fairy, half-human.
Growing up, Lisa believed strongly in the presence of fairies, even though pragmatic Sam didn’t, so when she announced to him that she was going off to meet the Fairy King and live in his Kingdom below, Sam just shook his head and laughed. Until Lisa left and never came back.
Now, fifteen years later, someone calling herself Lisa has returned to Sam’s life. She knows things only Lisa would know. But she seems different, changed. Not herself. And she isn’t the only one who seems peculiar. Sam’s cousin Evie, who was witness to Lisa’s disappearance, is acting strange as well. Old friends are lying. And Lisa’s disappearance may have something to do with the nightmares that have plagued Sam’s girlfriend Phoebe all of her life.
Is Lisa really back from the Land of the Fairies? Is anyone telling the truth? Am I going to be able to sleep tonight now that I’ve gone and dredged up memories of this spooky-ass book that I thought I’d successfully killed with alcohol? The answer to at least one of these questions is NO.
BFF Charm: Nay!
Phoebe, who is actually the main character of this story, definitely would get my BFF charm under normal circumstances – she’s tough, dedicated to figuring out the truth, and supportive of all of the crazy shizz going down in her boyfriend’s family. THAT SAID. Um, you don’t ever, ever, ever want to be friends with any of these people. Because if you talk to them, Teilo might get you. AND TEILO IS THE SCARIEST THING EVER, AHHHH!
And no way in hell would I ever befriend Sam, Lisa or Evie. Those kids are TROUBLE.
Swoonworthy Scale: 0
While there is ostensibly romance in this book – Sam and Phoebe look to repair their troubled relationship amidst all the crazy, spooky drama going down – there is WAY too many VERY UNROMANTIC THINGS happening to score this book any higher than zero. Ugh. I need to go take a shower now.
Talky Talk: Twisty Turny Creepy
Perhaps more than any other review, I really hope I convince at least one person to go out and read this book. Mostly because I NEED someone to convo with and figure out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. McMahon takes this story down so many delightfully twisted, creepy paths that by the end of it, I had NO IDEA whether what I thought was going on was actually what was going on. And I loved that! BUT I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT. This book has been sitting in my brainspace for a month (when I haven’t successfully filed it away, because, seriously? CREEPY.) and if I don’t figure out whether other people draw the same conclusions I do soon, I WILL PROBABLY GO INSANE.
But, uh, yeah, back to the actual review. The book alternates between 12-year-old Lisa, prepared to meet her Fairy King, and grown up Phoebe and Sam, trying to unravel the mystery of Lisa’s disappearance and return. And I don’t know how she did it, but McMahon wrote a book that legitimately made me afraid to go to sleep at night. THE FAIRIES MIGHT ABDUCT ME AND MAKE ME THEIR BRIDE!
Bonus Factor: Legitimate Spookiness
I keep harping on this; I know. But it is extremely rare that a book actually scares me. This one, however, did. Even as I was scratching my head and trying to figure out just who was lying and who was telling the truth, I was checking under the bed for magical doors to the Fairy Kingdom. And y’all? I make fun of fairy books for a living. Well, not for a living, because no one pays us to write this blog, but if they DID, then I would be making fun of fairy books PROFESSIONALLY. And yet even thinking of this book has me scared to turn out the lights.
Bonus Factor: Gerber Graduates
I, for one, am all for these sort of “gateway” books that have been having a revival lately. Books that star children or young adults, but that are not written for young adults. It’s not that I don’t love YA novels – I do, OBVS – but sometimes I’m just in the mood for something haunting and desperate and definitely NOT for children.
Think of some of the books you had to read in school. Huck Finn. Lord of the Flies. To Kill a Mockingbird. Just because they starred kids or teens didn’t necessarily mean they were written to be read by kids and teens. I love that publishers are finally starting to embrace that trend again.
Relationship Status: The First Date That Freaked Me The Hell Out, Even While Seducing Me
Oh, book. We probably never should have gone out on a date. Because now I’ve become that girl who dates moody, withdrawn, emotionally troubled people with scary, dark pasts but then tells my friends that they just have to get to know you! And then they’ll see why I like you so much!! I hate girls who do that! And now I’m one of them!
But book, how could I help myself? When you took me out on a date, you said you’d tell me a story. At first I thought it was a feel-good children’s tale, but then your story started getting darker and darker. I’d ask you questions and you’d answer in riddles and half-truths. I knew I should get away, but I couldn’t! I was drawn to you! And when you dropped me off at my door, I shuddered to think of your cold, eerie hands touching my cheek . . . but I couldn’t stop thinking about you for weeks.
Book, clearly the only thing to do now is set you up with some of my friends. Yeah, you’ll be just as creepy to them, but at least then I’ll have someone with which to discuss you over ice cream. With all the lights on. And several light-hearted comedies playing in the background. And an iron lung to sleep in so the creepy fairies don’t get me.
FTC Full Disclosure: I received my review copy from the HarperCollins party at BEA. I received neither money nor cocktails for this review (damnit!). Don’t Breathe a Word is available in stores now.
