Once upon a time, in the comments to a post I can no longer remember or locate, but think might have been a Pretty Little Liars recap, there was a plea for help. A plea for understanding and a little love for the film challenged among us. And let it be known we have heard your plea! Never say FYA isn’t willing to be a light in the darkness of subtitles and grainy, overexposed Swedish films noir! A warm, fuzzy light of has-beens and cheery pop instrumental music and bad-boys-done-good! Kind of like an extra-sweet California sparkling ros. Welcome to Bad Movie Night!
I’ll be following the same Highly Scientific Film Analysis brought to you by Sarah in her look at the 90s classic, Get Over It for today’s selection, Sorority Wars (or, How Lucy Hale got her Groove Before it was Stolen by Creepy Teacher Kisses, or Just Be Glad I Didn’t Go With My First Pick, Legally Blondes, Which I Wouldn’t Watch Even if I Were Stuck on a 16-hr Flight With No Books And No Other Movies And My Only Alternate Entertainment Was A Conversation About Madame Alexander Dolls With My Close-Talking Seatmate With Halitosis). It’s available on Netflix streaming as well as in various probably illegal versions on YouTube, so you can watch it as soon as you finish reading here! Hooray! Do you have your Bad Movie Night snacks ready? I recommend a 6-pack of Fuzzy Navel wine coolers and a box of Twinkies to complete the experience. And away we go!
The So-Called Plot
Katie is going to college, and is all set to pledge her mom’s sorority, Delta Beta something or other. But it turns out they’re all a bunch of snobby bitches who want her for her legacy, and want her dorky BFF for her brain! So she pledges Kappa Don’t Givacrappa instead, which threatens to ruin her life, and her mom’s life and maybe her BFF’s life, too, but Katie is Full Of Pluck and isn’t about to let that happen. Instead, she fights back by working to steal the TriCrown Cup (like the House Cup of Sororityville, I guess. I don’t know, I went to a college with no Greek system.) from the Deltas, who’ve had it from time immemorial (aka when her mom was in college). Also, her mom is practically her college roommate and it’s totally normal. I don’t know — helicopter parenting? That’s it. Yep. I don’t know how they managed to stretch the movie to a full 90 minutes, either.
Since this gem is a Lifetime Original, it follows a formula.
Emerging Teen TV Star: Lucy Hale as Katie
Before Pretty Little Liars, Lucy played Katie, plucky sorority pledge with a mind of her own.
Oh, THAT’S What She’s Doing Now!: Courtney Thorne Smith and Faith Ford
Two for the price of one, folks. These blondes play Delta alumnae and moms of Katie and Gwen, the Delta pledge master bitch mean girl.
The Poor Woman’s Younger Version of (Sometimes Marginally) Famous Actress
Hey, is that Lauren Graham and Nicole Kidman? Wait … no. No, it’s just Phoebe Strole and Amanda Schull. I know — who? All I know is Amanda Schull’s scheming face gives Brittany Daniels a run for her money.
Chemistry Grade: D-
So apparently chemistry 101 has an attendance requirement! And Sorority Wars forgot to show up. There’s the requisite dorky freshman/assy upperclassman love triangle, but it has a twist! Both the actors are fugly! Oh yeah, and the dorky freshman turns out to be an ass, not a sweet guy, while the assy upperclassman hides a heart of gold (or at least a silver penis) beneath the jerky exterior.
Cliche Count: 28
- Party montages: 3
- Split-screen phone call montages: 2
- Dance routine montages: 2
- College life montage: 2
- Bullying: 3
- Stood up for a date: 1
- Sorority pride: at least 10
- The Mean Girls Entrance: 3
- BFF fight: 3
- Straight hair=instapretty: 1
Think poppy instrumentals, a few grrl-power-lite anthems and one completely AWESOMELY BAD dance routine to a Motown standard. I mean, seriously it looks like something I’d choreograph, and I have negative dance skills. My 1-year-old is a better dancer.
Slumber Party Potential: Drinking Game or Makeover Background (or Makeover WITH Drinking!)
This movie’s not interesting. It’s not even interestingly bad — who knew? But it COULD be interesting with a drinking game — chug during montages, take a drink for every cliche you spot. Maybe do your nails while you’re at it, but take my word for it when I say you aren’t actually as coordinated applying polish with your left hand as you think you are (unless you’re left-handed, natch). Maybe even learn the dance routines from the showstopping competition final number! Then video them and send them to us.