Oh man, I just woke up from a delicious late Sunday nap, y’all. Late Sunday naps are terrible for many reasons, not least because when you wake up, you realize you have to go to bed again (and soon) and then Monday will happen. Eff that, I say.
Well, at least I still have the season finale of Game of Thrones to see me through. After last week’s happy bloodshed, this week ought to be a downright prance through the posies!
At The Twins
The full-out assault on the Stark men continue, and the bloodshed is by no means done. Within 30 seconds I count a limbless man being dragged through a field, several people being impaled, and one unlucky dude being strung up on a tree. But no one suffers more indignity than Our Dear Robb himself – the Bolton and Frey men have cut off his head and replaced it with that of Grey Wind, Robb’s direwolf, hailing the trumped up corpse as the King in the North. It’s insult upon heaps of injury, and sadly, Arya witnesses it. Her little face tells the story of every horror inflicted on her family, and damned if those Stark children aren’t some of the best actors on this show.
Inside the castle, Frey’s counting his chickens. He has Edmure in a dungeon, even though the Blackfish is still on the run. Then Bolton gives us a shout out, y’all, calling Our Dear Robb “forever young.” Awww, you guys shouldn’t have.
Arya and the Hound are riding past a group of Frey men, boasting about how they killed Catelyn and sewed Grey Wind’s head to Robb’s body. So Arya hops off, shows one of them the coin from Braavos*, and then STABS HIM TO DEATH. The Hound takes care of the rest for her. And now Arya has killed her first man. Vhalar Morghulis.
*In the books, Arya kills her first man at Harrenhall, while escaping with Hot Pie and Gendry. She does the same trick of dropping the coin there. It’s nice to see it in action!
At King’s Landing
World’s Most Awkward Marriage is still a thing that is happening, and Sansa and Joffrey almost seem to be . . . friends? It’s ADORABLE, y’all. It seems Tyrion, like Arya, has a list, although his is much longer and is only a list of people who’ve laughed at him, not people who’ve murdered members of his family. (If I had Tyrion’s family, I wouldn’t mind them being murdered so much.) Sansa teaches him a truly vile prank involving sheep shit and bed sheets and their cute little friendship makes me so happy! Come on, you two! You could be like the Harry and Sally of Westeros!
Tyrion attends a meeting of the small council and Joffrey is fairly brimming with glee as he rattles off Walder Frey’s message about two fine wolf pelts being given to Roslin at her wedding. He wants Robb’s head sent to King’s Landing so that he can, and I quote this precisely because only Joffrey can be this awful, “serve it to Sansa at [his] wedding feast.” YES. He wants to serve Sansa HER BROTHER’S HEAD for dinner. Fuck that little shit.
Tyrion tells Joffrey that he’ll stay away from Sansa and that he’d best stay away from him, as kings are “dropping like flies” these days. Everyone thinks Joffrey is awful (except Pycelle), and when Joffrey calls Tywin a coward, you can see the “oh shizzzz” look on the entire council’s face. Tywin sends him to bed, which is HILARIOUS, and then Tywin and Tyrion discuss the Stark massacre. Tyrion disapproves, of course, because he is all that is good and wise, at least in the TV show. Then Tywin reminds Tyrion that he needs to begat a son on Sansa post haste, while also throwing a little “you’re a monster and I hate you” shade. Because he’s the dickiest father in the world. Later, Tyrion goes back to his rooms with Sansa, grieved to have to be the one to tell her the news, only to see that she already knows. She’s lost to him now.
Meanwhile, Varys gives Shae a buttload of diamonds and tells her to leave Westeros. Why? Because she’s standing in the way of Tyrion’s greatness! She refuses the diamonds and tells Varys that if Tyrion wants him to leave, he can tell her himself. I can’t figure out exactly where this show is going with Shae. It had better end up in the same place as the books, though.
Speaking of Tyrion, he’s drinking with Pod when Cersei comes in for one of their weird little chats. She tells Tyrion to get Sansa pregnant as well, but that’s because Cersei’s one of those people who really thinks that having a kid is the best thing ever. Even Joffrey. I know. It must be blood loss?
But the best, best thing ever? Jaime and Brienne are back in King’s Landing! No one even recognizes Jaime, but Cersei does! Her twin and her lover, battered but there. How will she react?
Bran, Jojen, Meera, Hodor and Summer have found an empty shelter to cook in. Er, cook dinner in. Sorry, I’m going through a rewatch of Breaking Bad right now in anticipation of the last season, so my mind automatically shorthands to drug lingo. Bran tells the other kids the story of the Rat Cook, who killed a king’s son and served him to it in a pie. Om noms! Bran cautions that the moral is to never kill a guest under your roof, or the gods will torture you. Well, good thing Frey’s nearly dead, right?
In the night, Bran is awakened by a creepy wind, and all the kids hear someone coming up the stairs. And it’s Sam! And Gilly! (I guess the creepy wind was Sam passing some?) And Sam sees Bran and Summer and recognizes them immediately! Sam cautions them that they don’t want to go beyond the wall, but Jojen acts creepy and convinces him. Sam hands out some dragonglass and they part ways. Hodor seems bummed to be leaving Sam, a man nearly as giant and cheerful as himself. Hodor!
And then! Sam and Gilly finally make it back to Castle Black! Maester Aegon is like “whaaaaa? Baby making?” Sam assures him that he hasn’t been anywhere near Gilly’s, uh, gillyflower, and then tells him about the white walkers, and that it’s his duty to protect Gilly and baby Sam. Maester Aegon is ready to send some ravens!
Oh Little Alfie, Please Refrain From Doing That
Roose Bolton tells the story of Winterfell’s sacking to Frey, as we return to my favorite Ironborn, Theon. Roose Bolton had sent his bastard son, Ramsay, to Winterfell, with a message. The Ironborn would be given amnesty in exchange for Theon’s capture. Since the Ironborn at Winterfell had actually met Theon before, this was an easy trade to make. And where is our Ramsay now? Eating sausages while teasing Theon about his now-gone penis. Yes, the boy who tortures Theon is indeed Ramsay Bolton, a reveal that surprises absolutely no one who pays attention. (But also I guess those of you who aren’t readers of the book don’t even know or care who The Bastard is.) And then! Ramsay gives Theon his new name of Reek! Yay, Reek! Welcome back, buddy.
Meanwhile, Ramsay’s sent a letter to Balon Greyjoy telling him to remove the Ironborn from the North. He delightfully sends Theon’s dick in a box as well. It’s not nearly as fun as Saturday Night Live makes it seem, y’all. Balon could not care less about Theon and tells Yara to forget about him, but she is horrified. She’s going to march on the Dreadfort and bring her baby brother home!
Gendry!! He’s been locked up in the dungeons and Davos comes to visit. They wax rhapsodic about good ol’ Flea Bottom and bond adorably. Aww, I want a spin off of these two!
Speaking of Davos, he has been practicing his reading with Shireen. And reads a message from the Night’s Watch . . . but is interrupted with the sounds of bells ringing. Dragonstone is celebrating the death of Robb, and Davos cautions Stannis against killing Gendry. Because, duh, they have a spin off show to work on! So Davos frees Gendry! Yay! Stannis sentences Davos to die but Davos is all like, “boom! The Night’s Watch needs our help!” And all of a sudden, Melisandre’s all up on that shizz, too. She convinces Stannis to keep Davos alive, because he’ll need him for the true war. Which is not this pissant War of Five Kings that Melisandre has been waxing rhapsodic on for TWO SEASONS, but rather the war Beyond the Wall.
Beyond the Wall
Jon’s on his way back to Castle Black, but has been tracked down by Ygritte. He pleads with her that he has to go home, even though he loves her. She shoots him in the back and in the leg, crying the entire time. NEVER DUMP YGRITTE, OKAY? SHE WILL FUCK YOU UP. Jon manages to escape on his horse (and Ygritte may have let him do so), arrows protruding from all over.
Jon makes it to Castle Black, and just in time! We can’t have another Stark man die on us this season.
Dany’s waiting for the slaves of Yunkai to come out from behind the city walls, and they all do. TONS of them. She gives a rousing speech about how no one can give anyone their freedom; it is something they must take for themselves. They start calling her Myhsa (it means “mother” in some made up language I didn’t catch), and there is our Stormborn, surrounded on one side by the slaves she bought and on the other by the slaves she freed. And then she crowd surfs! Wicked! Well, it would be, if it weren’t for all these brown faces praising a lily-white “protector.” Ugh.
If Game of Thrones Was a YA Novel
OMG, Jon Snow, you did NOT just dump your girlfriend, Ygritte! You gave your precious flower to her! Well, watch out, because I heard from my friend Mance who heard from his cousin Torrhen that Ygritte does NOT take rejection well, yo.
Quote for Our Slambook
Tyrion [to Podrick]: “It’s not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.”Truer words, T.
And that’s it for Season 3 of Game of Thrones! I hope you spend the next eight months reflecting on your life choices, people, because if you thought Season 3 was crazy? Season 4 is going to be OFF THE CHAIN.