Bran’s Fake Walkabout
Bran’s still having his greendreams in which the three-eyed crow squaks at him a lot. In his dreams, Jon and Robb are there, teachin ghim how to shoot, just like in the season premiere! And, in his dreams, Jojen appears! Hello, little frogeater, I’ve been waiting for you! And then Jojen appears in real life! But where is Meera?! Ah, wait, there she is, with a knife to Osha’s neck. (Also! Jojen is played by Sam from Love, Actually!! THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!)
The Three Muskateers
Arya, Gendry and Hot Pie are on their march north and Gendry is giving Arya shit for wasting her Ja’qen H’gar kills on useless people. They run into the Brotherhood Without Banners, who take them in. Or kidnap them. It’s all of a piece in Westeros, really. Arya and her crew are about to leave when the Brotherhood brings in The Hound, who identifies Arya. So now Arya’s being kept for ransom!
Beyond The Wall
Mance Rayder gives Jon Snow some thinkin’ thoughts about how to unite an army of wildlings. And Jon meets his first warg! Well, actually is, like, fifth warg, but he doesn’t really understand how his family works. Ygritte thinks Jon is an idiot for never having met a warg before. I love everything Ygritte chooses to be.
Meanwhile, the men of the Night’s Watch are on their very long trek south back to the Wall. Sam is just about ready to die when Delourous Edd and Grenn come to help him back up. And Lord Commander Mormont makes Rast responsible for Sam’s life.
The World’s Most Unlikely Relationship
Brienne and Jamie Lannister are on their journey to King’s Landing, rife with charming insults and Brienne watching Jamie pee. They encounter a man who seems friendly but probably knows Jamie – this is something I’ve never figured out. In the books, EVERYONE knows Jamie Lannister by sight, but it’s not as if they’ve got the talking pictures there in Westeros. How do they all recognize Jamie?
During a trek over a bridge, Jamie manages to free himself, and now their battle is on! Brienne kicks ass, as usual, but as they’re fighting, a group of Bolton riders approach. And just like that, Jamie and Brienne are kidnapped!
Joffrey’s a boy in love and worried about how to dress. This involves Joffrey taking his shirt off a lot, something I’m not very comfortable with. Cersei is trying to explain to Joffrey that Margaery is WAY smarter than him, but he won’t stoop to listening to silly women. Joffrey invites Margaery in to his room to grill her about her sex life with Renly, and she hilariously tells him that Renly wanted to fuck her in the ass and then strokes his crossbow suggestively. I love Margaery so much.
Meanwhile, Shae is trying to caution Sansa away from Littlefinger, lest he try to slip his little finger in any of her crevices. But Sansa is too busy flirting with Ser Loras and making friends with Margaery and Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thornes. Eff yes, she is my favorite, just as lemon cakes are Sansa’s favorite. Olenna and Margaery press Sansa for details about The Real Joffrey. Sansa hems and haws but eventually spills her opinion of Joffrey. Oh Sansa, you sweet, summer child.
Shae comes to Tyrion and tells him that they need to protect Sansa. With blowjobs.
Robb’s got some dark words from dark wings – news of Winterfell’s sack and Bran and Rickon’s “death” and also of Lord Hoster Tully’s death at Riverrun. Poor Lady Catelyn, under arrest and literally everyone dying around her. None of Robb’s men particularly want to ride to Riverrun and Lord Karstark, in particular, thinks that this war is over and that Robb sealed their fate the moment he married whatsherface from Volantis.
We also learn that Catelyn blames herself for every wrong the Starks have endured, all because she can’t love Jon Snow. Well, hell, Catelyn, I can’t love him either, but I doubt that’s why my house is a wreck and I’m broke.
Oh, HEY, Theon! I like what you’ve done with yourself, all shirtless and strapped to an X for torture. Doing anything later, other than being waterboarded by an unnamed assailant? After being tortured a bit, a young man tells him that Yara sent him and he’ll release Theon soon.
If Game of Thrones Was a YA Novel
Can we say jealous?? Why is Bran’s super-old girlfriend who never combs her hair so jealous of his new BFF Jojen and his hot sister, Meera? Doesn’t she know that there could be some sweet orgy action going on here? Hodor will stand lookout. Hodor.
Quotes for Our Slam Book
Jamie [about Renly]: “It’s a shame the throne isn’t made out of cocks; they’d never have got him off it.”
Shae: “She’s a whore.”
Tyrion: “Well, we shouldn’t be judgemental about these things.”