House Stark
Our Robb hides a smirk at his uncle Edmure’s three (count them!) failed attempts at lighting his father’s Viking-style funeral pyre before Catelyn’s uncle Brynden the Blackfish stalks up, takes the bow, and fires off a shot like it ain’t no thang, effectively doing a mike drop by turning his back before even waiting to see his success. As if that wasn’t enough humiliation in one day for poor Edmure, Our Robb tears him a new one for effectively chasing The Mountain away. He’s not impressed with Edmure’s gift of a mill and a couple of distant cousin Lannister kids, when he could have had a head on a pike. Brynden the Blackfish further establishes himself as awesome by comforting Catelyn as she sits staring out a window, mourning her father’s death and feeling guilty about everything she’s ever done, ever. Lady Talisa deals with children in a way that makes me very happy, by confirming the rumors that Our Robb is a man-eating werewolf, and scaring the piss out of the little Lannisters.
King’s Landing
In an ACTUAL GAME OF THRONES, Tywin calls a meeting where Littlefinger, Varys, Maester Pycelle and Cercei jockey for positions around a table. Tyrion schools them all, however, showing us how handily he will win everything. Even though Tywin is the worst father ever* and makes him take over Littlefinger’s old job as Master of Coin. If I ever become a hip hop sensation, that is totally going to be my rap name. Anyway, this is because Littlefinger is going away to marry Catelyn’s crazy-ass sister, the breastfeeder. As Master of Coin, Tyrion discovers that King’s Landing is up to its eyeballs in debt, mostly to Tywin, and we are sure Tyrion will find a way to work with this information. He also finally discovers a way to thank Poderick for saving his life! With whores! Three of them! And they pop out of little beds-in-the-wall when their names are called! It’s kind of like in The Dating Game. Except not. Several hours later, Poderick returns Tyrion’s money, telling him that the ladies wouldn’t accept payment, which causes Tyrion and Bronn to gather ’round in a knitting circle to have him tell them EVERYTHING.
*Or maybe not. See North of the Wall.
North of the Wall
Jon Snow and the Wildlings come upon some impressionistic artwork in the form of horse pieces left by the White Walkers. Mance Rayder instructs Tormund Giantsbane to CLIMB THE WALL and — on his mark — kill all of the Night’s Watch in their sleep. This is disturbing to both Jon Snow and myself, because, guys, why can’t we all get along and fight the White together?
Sam and the remaining Night’s Watch pay a visit to Craster the daughter f*cker, who proves he isn’t just a murderous rapemonster, but also a big jerk when he teases Sam about his weight. This causes Sam to go outside and discover his pretend girlfriend, Gilly, giving birth! She wants to know whether it’s a boy or a girl, because really, which is worse? If she has a boy, her baby daddy who’s also her daddy (and probably her granddaddy) will sacrifice him to the White Walkers, but if it’s a girl, he’ll rape her all her life. Turns out it’s a boy, so I’m hoping Sam will take both the baby and Gilly away and find a nice little cabin in the woods where they can live happily ever after. But since this is Game of Thrones, that’s probably not gonna happen.
The Three Musketeers
Arya is assured by Thoros that she is a guest — not a prisoner — of the Brotherhood without Banners, as they pack up and prepare to leave the inn. Hot Pie tells her and Gendry that he’s staying behind with the innkeeper as payment to become the inn’s master baker. Arya has a nice Indiana Jones moment, “Are you sure?”, “Pretty sure.” when he mistakenly calls Winterfell “Winterhell.” He then gives Arya a direwolf-shaped loaf of brown bread, and she calls out “It’s really good!” in a teary — for me — farewell. Well, thank goodness at least now we know Hot Pie is safe. Ish.
House Baratheon
The Red Witch gives Stannis a very humiliating “it’s not me, it’s you” speech. She’s leaving to find other royal blood to accomplish whatever it is she’s trying to accomplish, leaving Stannis standing in the clay like the impotent bore that he is.
House Greyjoy
The boy comes back and rescues Theon, putting him on a horse and telling him to ride east, where is sister is waiting for him. Theon rides and rides, but his captors pursue him, recapture him, and get ready for some rapin’. The boy comes to the rescue, because we can’t have a MAN raped on this show, oh no! That would be HORRIBLE. After some bow and arrow work that would make Katniss green with envy, the boy leads Theon away. Those of us who haven’t read the books have no idea who this boy is.
House Targaryen
Daenerys continues to show balls when she disregards both Ser Jorah and Ser Barristan’s advice, and offers to pay for ALL of the slaves, even the little kids, and — YAY! — the awesome translator lady, with a dragon. I am not sure this was a good idea, but am hoping that once she has her army, she’ll take her dragon back, and make that disgusting slaver do his own Walk of Punishment. Because that guy needs to die. Also? I’m worried for the dragon.
The World’s Most Unlikely Relationship
Jaime and Brienne continue to trade verbal barbs while tied together on the back of a horse, and I really just want to watch a sitcom about these two and their travails as improbably roommates. Things take a dark turn when Jaime brings up the fact that Brienne has a whole lot of rape to look forward to that night. He encourages her to lie back and think of England (or Renly, as it were,) but then when the time comes, Jaime uses some big words to bargain with Locke on her behalf, promising him that her father would pay her weight in sapphires to get her back unharmed. He then convinces Locke to untie him and give him a meal, he is just that charmin– HOLY SHITBALLS! Locke cuts of Jaime’s hand! I don’t know who was screaming louder, Jaime or me. I wonder if he’ll get a sword-hand now?
If Game of Thrones Was a YA Novel
I never thought I would say this, but I think I’m falling in love with the captain of the lacrosse team. I mean, once you get to know Jaime, there’s more to him than just a rich boy with floppy hair and a chiseled jaw. He can be sweet. And thoughtful. I mean, the way he stood up to those bullies for me? Oh. My. God. But he’ll never see me as anything more than a friend. His buddy, the tallest girl in school. WHY am I so tall? WHY?!!!
Quotes for Our Slam Book
Melisandre: “Your fires burn low, my king.”
Daenerys: “Yes, all men must die… but we are not men.”
