I can almost seeee it, this dream I’m dreaming . . .
It’s Game of Thrones time, y’all! This episode was a bit of a filler episode, setting up most of the events for the last half of the season, so while it was a bit slow at times, it’s fun to see how things are falling into place. Let’s discuss, y’all!
Sam’s Dating Philosphy
Sam and Gilly are on the run, and Sam can’t even build a fire correctly. He seems to equate fire building with men’s penis sizes. He tries to woo Gilly with his Dragonglass, but she just wants to hear how big his . . . Wall is. Sam’s kind of annoying in the books, but I find him adorable in the show. His little faaaaace.
Osha continues her quest to be ridiculously jealous of Meera. Ladies, both of you have giant hair; chill out. Bran has to step in as counselor to the bickering ladies. I mean, y’all realize that you’re fighting over BRAN, right? I could see it if he was Gendry, but BRAN?
In his green dreams, Jojen sees Jon on “the wrong side of the wall, surrounded by enemies.” This concerns Bran, who is attempting to reach Jon at the wall.
Beyond the Wall
The Wildings are preparing to climb the Wall and Ygritte is still SUPER obsessed with Jon’s cunnilingus skills. Show, if you keep talking about this and refuse to show it, I’m gonna get really pissed off. Ygritte tells Jon that she knows that he’s still a crow, but that he has to be loyal to her now. Then she threatens to cut his cock off. I love Ygritte; she really knows how to woo her guy.
The Wildings begin their ascent, which looks like the shittiest moutain climbing expedition EVER. After a few false scares, half the damn wall collapses, and one of the Wildings decides he needs to cut the rope and let everyone currently weighing him down to fall to their deaths. Jon Snow saves Ygritte though, because she’s his lady!
They finally make it to the top of the Wall and Ygritte gets to see the world from up high. It’s a lovely sight, and Jon shows her the Southern side as well. They kiss all romantically, which is what giving good head will get you, boys. A girl to climb to the top of the world with.
Arya’s learning how to shoot arrows. What a peculiar hostage situation. Melissandre and her people ride up, which pleases Thoros, cause, like, another crazy person to worship with, I guess. Mel’s astounded to see Lord Beric’s Lazarus-type body.
Mel’s here to kidnap Gendry, which pisses me off for many reasons, not least of which is that it’s NOT A PART OF THE BOOK. What happened to little Edrick? It pisses Arya off too, because now she’s never going to get laid. GENDRY COME BAAAAAAAACK.
Alfie Should Have Stayed In His Room
Theon’s torture continues, this time with trumpet wake up calls. The Kid plays 20 questions with Theon while stabbing him with knives. Via questioning, we learn that Theon’s being kept in Karhold, and that the Kid torturing him is a Karstark. Well . . . no. But it was good of you to play, Theon. And then there’s some very gross and bloody fingernail stabbing and Theon begs the Kid to cut his finger off.
Be Not A-Freyed
Robb’s sitting down with some Frey men and mea culpa-ing about his accidental marriage to a non-Frey. Robb promises the Freys Harranhall and his Uncle Edmure as bridegroom to one of Frey’s daughters, Roslin. Edmure’s all “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?” His older sister, Catelyn, tells him to get the fuck over it already. Robb promises to remember his uncle’s sacrifice.
The World’s Most Unlikely Friendship
Brienne’s trussed up in a dress and Jaime can’t cut his own meat anymore. Lord Bolton weighs his options vis-a-vis Jaime’s ransom. He decides to send Jaime to King’s Landing . . . but without Brienne, who is charged with abetting treason.
At King’s Landing
Tywin Lannister’s trying to convince Lady Olenna that Cersei should marry Ser Loras. He threatens her with Loras’s gayness, but she could not possibly care less. What’s a bit of buggery compared to incest, after all? Tywin counters by telling Lady Olenna that if Loras doesn’t marry Cersei, he’ll be named to the Kingsguard and be unable to marry and bear children. So she can either have Highgarden go to Loras and Cersei’s kids, or Joffrey and Margaery’s. Olenna knows which side the bread is buttered on, and relents.
Meawhile, Sansa and Loras are awkwardly discussing what they presume to be their eventual wedding, while Tyrion and Cersei pout about their impending nuptials. Tyrion asks Cersei straight out whether she tried to kill him and her silence tells the truth . . . it was Joffrey.
Sansa and Shae are playing dress up for the wedding when Tyrion comes in. Shae wants to stay and hear whatever he has to say, but he tries to get her to leave. Alas, no. Time to tell his future wife, and his current girlfriend, about the wedding.
Varys and Littlefinger discuss their own maneuverings and Littlefinger tells Varys that he’s having Roz tortured and killed for being Varys’s spy. And who gets the pleasure? That’d be Joffrey, who trussed Roz up to the bed and shot her full of bolts from his crossbow. Just in case it’s been five minutes, and you’ve forgotten that he’s a massive dick.
If Game of Thrones Was a YA Novel
Isn’t it sad how little Sansa can’t tell that her boyfriend Loras is gay? I mean, HELLO, Sansa, he’s practically reciting lines from the “I Am Gay and That’s Okay” handbook! Dreaming about his wedding? And the clothes? Buy a clue, Sansa.
Quotes for Our Slambook
Olenna: “A sword swallower through and through.”
Varys: “Who doesn’t like to see their friends fail now and then?”