Dany comes across another slaver city — now with more slaves! 200-thousand, to be exact. So natch, she decides to take the city. What happens to things that don’t bend?
Jojen and Bran decide that they need to go North of The Wall to find the three-eyed crow, but Osha just wants to go to Castle Black. She tells them about that one time when her boyfriend turned into a White Walker and she had to burn down their tent to kill him.
Beyond The Wall
Ygritte and Jon Snow continue their witty banter as they start the week-long march to Castle Black, and we finally find out why Orell has been such a dick to Jon Snow all this time: he’s in love with Ygritte. He tries to win her over by telling her how she should be with her own kind. He obviously didn’t get the memo about the way to Ygritte’s heart. Later on, they pass a broken down old windmill, and Ygritte thinks it’s a castle. Then Jon Snow tells her that there’s no way Mance Rayder will win against the Night’s Watch. Ygritte uses personal possessive pronouns and they get kissy.
Tywin’s meanness is cheer-worthy when he schools Joffrey in matters of the small council, but I question his wisdom on the whole “Bah, dragons…” thing.
The Red Witch sails Gendry by the castle and tells him that oh, by the way, Robert Baratheon was your dad.
Margaery explains to Sansa, that sweet summer child, that she’s not getting the worst Lannister.
Tyrion tries unsuccessfully to convince Shae that even though he has to marry Sansa, she could be a sister wife.
The Brotherhood gets wind of a Lannister raiding party nearby, and decide to go do some raiding of their own, at which point Arya says enough is enough, and runs off… right into the Hound — who I’m not sure how to feel about anymore. This is distressing.
On their way to Walder Frey’s place, Our Robb and company get caught in a rain storm. I’m not sure why this slows them down, considering all they’ve travelled through, but it gives Our Robb and Talisa some nekkid time together. Talisa also writes a letter to her mother and drops the bomb that what-what! She’s got a Stark in the oven.
Alfie REALLY Should Have Stayed in His Room
In the most uncomfortable sex scene ever witnessed, two girls start to seduce a delirious Theon, who obviously thinks, “oh, nothing could go wrong here…” only to be interrupted by The Boy, who is overly interested in Theon’s member, and brandishes a hooked knife, with the intent of “making some changes.” Ugh.
The World’s Most Unlikely Friendship
Jaime promises Brienne to return the Stark girls to their mother before heading out to King’s Landing, but along the way finds out that his promise to Locke about Brienne’s dad paying her weight in sapphires is about to bite her in the ass. So he convinces the dude escorting him to turn around. Back at Harrenhal, Locke has put Brienne in a pit, where she HAS TO FIGHT A BEAR with nothing but a wooden sword. Jaime JUMPS INTO THE PIT to save her, sealing their place on the show as the sweetest relationship ever.
If Game Of Thrones Was a YA Novel
Orell has been just waiting to work up his nerve to ask Ygritte to prom, but the new foreign exchange student beat him to it! What’s he going to do?
Quotes For Our Slambook
Shae: “While I clean her chamber pot and lick your cock when you’re bored?”Shae’s opinion of Tyrion’s offer.