Oh, it’s wedding season, even on Game of Thrones, which means all of you need to get your fanciest little dresses out of the closet and invest in stock from Bed, Bath and Beyond. I wonder if Tyrion and Sansa could use a juicer.
On the Road
Arya’s still semi-kidnapped by The Hound, and she elects not to bash his brain in with the giant fake rock that the props people have mocked up. The Hound, for his part, is the world’s most charming kidnapper/babysitter ever, telling Arya all about how lucky she is that he’s not a rapist. In fact, he’s such a nice kidnapper that he’s going to take her all the way to The Twins for her uncle Edmure’s wedding!
Dany Targaryan, Superstar
I miss Dany’s pretty blue dress. Her sand-colored cape makes her look like an extra in that Mel Gibson movie about how much people don’t like Jesus. She’s got a plan to sack Yunkai, in part by wining and dining the captains of the Second Sons, the soldiers who guard the city. The captains are even more charming than The Hound, with one in particular doing his dudebro best to make everyone else on this show look like fucking George Takei, or something. My dog and I were both apalled by his liberal use of the c-word, as well as his blatant sexual harassment and assault of every lady in his proximity. Dany hopes to kill him first in battle, and I can only agree.
Daario, the hot Captain of the Second Sons, cautions that they can’t hope to defeat Dany and her Unsullied, yet he draws the short straw (or the coin from Braavos, whichevs) that means he has to sneak into Dany’s camp and kill her.
So sneak in he does, and interrupts Messandai’s corrections of Dany’s Dothraki. But! He’s not here to kill Dany, which he proves by showing Dany the heads of the other two captains. Dany rewards him by walking around naked for a few minutes, then asks him to swear to fight for her. He’s in loooooove. So am I. DAMN, Daario!
Gendry has arrived at Dragonstone, and uncle Stannis is not all that impressed with him. Nor is he impressed with Melisandre’s plan to give Gendry a nice mini-break before bleeding his kingly blood out in the service of the Lord of the Light. Melisandre has some whole metaphor about lambs and the fear seeping into their meat, but that just made me really hungry. Om. Lamb.
Meanwhile, Ser Davos is getting on fairly well with his children’s book about the history of the Targaryans. The book even has lovely full-color drawings of dragons! Stannis drops by to whinge about Melisandre and Gendry and all the dramz, mostly so that Ser Davos can explain right from wrong to Stannis YET AGAIN. God, Stannis has to be the most tiresome friend in the world. I bet Stannis would come visit you in the hospital after you’ve just had major surgery and complain about his hangnail, you know? Anyway, Stannis lets Davos out, even though Davos says he’ll still speak against Melisandre.
Gendry isn’t sure what to make of his fancy new digs and the free-flowing wine, and he certainly isn’t sure what to think of Melisandre stripping him down and basically molesting his face. On behalf of everyone who is a Skins fan, I’d like to call foul on Melisandre being completely naked, AGAIN, and Gendry only being shirtless. Although we did get to see some of the Jesus muscle, so that’s something, I guess. Melisandre totally ties Gendry up to the bed, halfway during their sexy times, and starts leeching him. Man, Melisandre doesn’t give a fuck about your safe words!
The Wedding of the Week
Joffrey and Sansa are more awkward in the face of their impending marriage than Josh Duggar was when he listened to the sex advice cassette tape that his dad Jim Bob gave him. Tyrion does his best to set Sansa’s mind at ease and tells her he’ll never hurt her. Oh, TYRION. I love you, boo.
Everyone’s gathering around for Tyrion and Sansa’s wedding, and Margaery totally tells Cersei that they should be friends, since they’ll be sisters soon. Man, I love Margaery so, so much. Cersei explains the history behind the song “The Rains of Castamere” as a way of warning Margaery not to get too excited about besting the Lannisters. And then she threatens to strangle her in her sleep. I kind of want Cersei and Margaery to get married? Is that possible? I mean, I’m just wondering whether Westeros is currently less bigoted than the United States in this matter.
To add insult to Sansa’s injury, Joffrey gives her away at her wedding. Man, I am totally going to start having wedding-related stress dreams that involve having to do a father/daughter dance with Joffrey.
And then Joffrey adds insult to Tyrion’s injury by taking away the stool he was meant to stand on, in order to be of a height with Sansa. The whole thing is horrifyingly embarassing for pretty much everyone involved. Even my dog covers his eyes during the whole scene.
Tyrion and Sansa have one hell of a wedding celebration, with Tyrion getting steadily drunker and Joffrey doing his best to torment Sansa as much as possible. And then Joffrey calls for the bedding ceremony (those of you who have not read the books – it involves the men stripping the bride’s gown off while carrying her to the bed chamber, with the women doing the same to the groom. Lots of very vulgar jokes and descriptions of their anatomical parts), which Tyrion strongly and drunkenly objects to. He tells Joffrey that Joffrey will lose his penis if he persists in discussing the bedding ceremony. Man, now I sort of want to see that. MUCH more satisfying than Theon’s castration last week.
Tyrion drunkenly leads Sansa upstairs and tells her that he won’t have sex with her until she wants it. Which means that they’ll be going a long, long time before this marriage is ever consummated. Shae seems happy, though, as she comes in the next morning and notes the clean bedsheets.
North of the Wall
Sam, Gilly and the baby are still wandering around, heading to the Wall. Gilly and Sam discuss naming the baby, but they’re interrupted by the appearance of like a thousand crows, which is essentially my GREATEST NIGHTMARE. I’m never sleeping tonight. Even the arrival of the wight isn’t scarier than that. Not scarier, no, but TOTALLY AWESOME, particularly when the wight freezes Sam’s sword and then bitchslaps him about five feet. The wight is coming for Gilly’s baby, but Sam sticks some dragonglass in him and he dies! Also, it’s totally that same wight from the end of last season. He seems to be the leader. He also seems to need to eat a sandwich. Manorexia ain’t sexy, yo!
If Game of Thrones was a
YA Novel Wedding Blog Entry
“My wedding to my husband Tyrion was so gorgeous! We had a wedding planner directly from King’s Landing – the same lady who is planning the King’s wedding! – and all of the guests wore the most amazing gowns and suits! We danced and laughed and ate a seven-course meal – just something I had the hottest caterers in town whip up! We had an open bar, of course! I was a little sad that none of my family members could make it, on account of them all being either dead or at war, but luckily, the King stepped in to give me away! Of course, my wedding night was a little disappointing – my groom passed out on the setee in our honeymoon suite – but I’m sure that this is the start of the best marriage ever. I’m so excited to be Mrs Sansa Lannister!”
No new Game of Thrones next week, because the Old Gods and the New enjoy fucking with us, but we’ll be back in two weeks with all the Westerosi dramz your heart can handle. In the meantime, Tyrion Lannister: best husband ever or BEST HUSBAND EVER?
(Also, someone make us some gifs of Drunk!Tyrion, please.)