Previous episode: “The Revengers”
You guys! Everything we’ve been waiting for is here! The series finale of Gossip Girl! And it wasn’t as disappointing as I thought it’d be.
As we all remember Bart Bass unfortunately died after falling off a building. LOL. When this episode starts off, Chuck and Blair are doing some hilariously bad hiding from the police behind buildings and in limo trunks.This is of course with a song about Bonnie and Clyde in the background. However, apparently the police are idiots as well because they open the door of Chuck’s limo and call it clear and don’t even check the trunk, so everyone in this world is blatantly incompetent.
As the police go around questioning everyone while Chuck and Blair remain missing, Nate, as always, handles the situation with grace especially when after Sage offers them coffee, Nate says “She’s not talking to you. She’s a minor.” The cop merely smirks at Nate. Did these cops formerly work in Rosewood? And adorable Cyrus and Blair’s mother defend Blair to the police.
Blair and Chuck are hiding at some B&B upstate. And Jack shows up! However, his meth face/hair is out of control. Seriously. Pretty distracting. He kept a tracking device on Chuck’s limo and followed them. Blair says they don’t need money and that they can live off the land. Girl, please. We all know you couldn’t do that or you’d at least need to bring Dorota. Jack mentions that marriage, spousal privilege, in which Blair can’t testify against Chuck, would be a way out.
Serena obviously doesn’t make it to Los Angeles because while she’s about to read a copy of Nylon (which S would never read) on her private plane, she finds Dan’s unpublished chapter about her and asks for a moment, which I mean, please it’s going to take S much longer than a moment to read that chapter. In true Serena fashion, she goes to find Dan. Upon confronting him, she mentions she is even more confused after spending the night “reading and rereading” that chapter. No comment needed.
Then Chuck proposes to Blair in the most half assed way possible. ROMANCE. TRUE LOVE. ETC. UGH.
On a brief Ivy sidenote, poor her. After watching Lily and William talk about Bart’s death, where Lily says “at least we can do the same thing the last time Bart died,” which is fair. Later, Ivy shows up and we find out William had been using her basically for his “goal” of winning Lily back. WTF. And that’s the last time we see Ivy.
I mean we all know that this show pisses me off. But there were a couple moments I actually really liked in the finale. While Dan and Serena are rehashing, yet again, their relationship, we get this awesome flashback to a party that Dan accidentally attended while at Constance. His pompadour is gone! Nate is probably high! Chuck’s polka dot scarf makes an appearance! Serena is wasted and bloated! Blair has a great red statement lip! It gave me so many Season 1 feelings. Dan and Serena basically spend the majority of this episode talking about their feelings. And it’s just as boring as you would expect. But we find out that Dan knows who Gossip Girl is!
Chuck suddenly gives a shit about how he and Blair are married, so he decides to risk it so they can be properly married. They have Jack round up everyone and there is an awesome interaction between Jack and Georgina—which makes SO MUCH SENSE. Nothing has ever made this much sense on this show.
Poor Nate. His research consists of print outs of Gossip Girl entries. And he doesn’t even know yet that Dan knows who GG is. And for a split second, with all Sage’s questioning, I thought she was Gossip Girl. Don’t worry, she’s not.
Side note: during this commercial break, one of my dear friends turned to me and said: “You know who Gossip Girl is. Look into your heart.”
Another moment, I loved in the finale, when they are all walking up the Met stairs, past mini Blair and Serena who are eating yogurt, to go to Chuck and Blair’s rogue wedding. And while you know, I adamantly oppose the union of Chuck and Blair, Blair’s wedding dress more than makes up for that disaster that was happening when she married Louis.
Blair tries to talk Serena out of even considering Dan yet again, saying that Serena will never end up with a powerless striver. Harsh. In true GG fashion, Dan overhears all of this. And he gives his final chapter to Nate to post on The Spectator. Nate, in another let’s pretend Nate and/or Serena can read quickly moment, looks over it and declares, this is about Gossip Girl! No shit Nate.
Still adorable Cyrus marries Chuck and Blair, while the cops begin to surround them. And again, ugh to all of this, but I have to give the writers a bit of props for referencing seasons past when Chuck says: “Three words. Eight letters.” However, that was a pretty unimpressive kiss.
The Gossip Girl reveal montage was pretty epic. I was however vaguely concerned on why Mayor Bloomberg gives a shit who Gossip Girl is. I did appreciate that he thought it was Dorota. It was a great conglomeration of GG friends past: Lola, Vanessa (a poor, peanut butter eating artist obviously), Juliet, Willa Holland’s model character (who I don’t feel like looking up her name) and the crowning moment of Kristen Bell and RACHEL BILSON! My viewing party (aka just my other Gossip Girl devotee and I) started screaming. The two of them are reading Blair and Serena for the movie version of Inside. Bilson even mentions that Dan is a good writer. LOL. And Kristen Bell’s wink! This show just got so meta. Can I petition for this as a spin-off?
And the big reveal itself: Dan is Gossip Girl! Mostly because he wanted to write himself into this world. Ugh. And he also says Serena is his muse. Responses are varied amongst the group. Georgina says it makes sense re: the surveillance footage since Dan’s the only one who owns a hoodie. Rufus is pissed. Dorota wants all the vodka, light on the rocks, three olives. Jenny’s known that Dan was GG for years. Blair wants explanations. And Serena doesn’t care because obviously Serena loves that a guy basically started a whole blog so he could get in her pants. In other obvious news, Serena’s narcissism has reached new highs, especially when she says that Dan, as Gossip Girl, wrote a love letter not just to her but to all of them. I can’t even.
And they all thought Gossip Girl was each other.
In obvious news, since this show has no stakes, Chuck is obviously not arrested and Bart’s death is ruled as an accident.
Side note: My friend was very confused on how Dan could be that sassy as Gossip Girl for that long.
Five years later, Nate is running for mayor. Seriously? Nate? Remember that time you were dating a minor, went to jail for fraud, all that pot you smoked, etc. And he got off a NY Spectator private jet? I didn’t realize blogging would potentially get you a private jet. Something to consider I guess. Chuck and Blair are still married and have a kid, which must mean Blair was knocked up immediately after that wedding. Eric and Jenny show up! Rufus is dating Lisa Loeb, which honestly might be worth watching the whole episode for. Lily is with William. Did she forget about that fake cancer he gave her? Also, where is Scott? Anyone remember him? In a very brief moment, we see Ivy has written a movie about her UES experience starring Lola and Olivia Burke aka Hilary Duff! Good for Ivy, get it girl. Georgina and Jack are together which is the perfect Gossip Girl pairing. Of course, Serena and Dan are getting married, and she is in a ridiculous GOLD wedding dress.
In the end, we learn all of us outsiders are Gossip Girl. Did Penn Badgley try to slip in a last minute Occupy reference?
Gossip Girl, it’s been real.
Things of Note
- Serena’s non reaction after Dan asks her if she’s ever wanted something so badly but couldn’t have it.
- Sage mentions that “Little J was my idol in seventh grade.” Might not want to admit to that.
- Jenny didn’t have raccoon eyes!
- The CW is pushing The Carrie Diaries HARD. Which I’m also excited to let you all know, I’ll be recapping in January. Let’s all mock the origins of Carrie Bradshaw and swoon over Austin Butler together!
About the Contributor:
Kerensa Cadenas is a writer living in Los Angeles. She grew up on binge reading Sweet Valley High and watching Saved by the Bell at a very young age. Hence, she is now unable to grow out of this life-long phase. She loves terrible teen television, young adult novels and probably listens to One Direction more than she should. She also enjoys more adult things like margaritas on patios and dance parties. A Marcus Flutie/Nate Archibald man-hybrid remains her ideal.