Title: Gossip Girl S6.E04 “Portrait of a Lady Alexander”
Released: 2012

Previous episode: “Dirty Rotten Scandals”

You guys, I know that the writers of this great show gave up a while ago. But this is the last season, so when I fall asleep for a couple minutes, you are definitely doing something wrong. This episode was so boring and the party was centered around was some sort of equestrian thing. I don’t care for horses, so go ahead and take away my girl card or whatever.

Dan’s destruction of the UES via blog post continues! And this time it’s Nate’s turn. And poor Nate agrees with everything that Dan says about him (basically that he’s not qualified to run The Spectator, cause duh). Dan, however is lamenting over the critical buzz over his literary blog series, but is sexing up all his groupies as a great literary drifter would.

Serena’s transformation into Lily continues as well, this time in the form of a red dress that she’s wearing when Barry Watson confronts her about her former relationship with Nate. They decide to have a conversation about everyone they’ve been with from 2nd base plus. This is going to be a long conversation for both of them.

Blair is now helping Chuck in the destruction of Bart and is avoiding her mother’s phone calls. They find out that Bart was associated with someone called Lady Alexander and set out to find who this chick is. (Spoiler alert: this plot was the part I fell asleep during!)

Ivy is helping Rufus unpack all his things that Lily has sent over, for nefarious spying purposes. And she finds a letter from Lily to Rufus from that time that they had sex before her wedding to Bart. So guess what Ivy does?

Two things are upsetting Lily: 1. Her eggs are overcooked. 2. There’s a Gossip Girl post on her (which I think she secretly loves). When she informs Bart that everyone knows that she had sex with Rufus before their wedding, he claims that it’s old news. So I guess Lily and Bart are communicating?

Blair and Chuck find out Lady Alexander is a horse! And a horse that Bart bought amongst dozens of others. Hence, explaining our next social outing. A literal note I wrote to myself during this scene: “WTF. This fucking show.”

Georgina decides to use Dan’s sluttiness in his favor and begins the screening process in hiring a celebutante for Dan to bang on the regular. When Serena shows up, Georgina thinks she’s putting herself in the rotation for the position, but she’s really just getting Dan to not let Barry Watson know that they were together. Dan is fine with this because he references their last time together as “one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.” S is not pleased.

As everyone on the UES knows, The Spectator is in trouble, so in swoops Bart to try to give his financial backing to which Nate refuses. Bart then compares Nate’s financial handlings to his father’s (coke addled, poor financial decision making), so point Bart? So Nate does something out of left field, he goes to Ivy, knowing she sent the Lily GG blast, and asks her if she’d be willing to post these stories and gossip on The Spectator. Maybe he’s smarter than we thought?

Back to this fucking horse storyline, condensed version, we find out that this horse is a horse that Bart bought for a family friend’s daughter, so maybe Bart isn’t such a bad guy? JK. It appears to be some sort of front for Bart illegally backing foreign oil. Obviously. And then post discovery Blair and Chuck have that same sexually laden conversation about not being together again and it’s so boring.

Barry Watson and Serena finally have the conversation where S claims that Ben, the teacher, was the last person she slept with. We know it was Dan, but I could have sworn there was someone else between Ben and Dan. Can anyone confirm? Barry Watson has also allegedly slept with most of the Sports Illustrated models. Ew. Of course this conversation blows up at the horse show, when The Spectator blasts that Lily has slept with Barry Watson! It was after a wedding, with a bottle of whiskey in the BASEMENT OF AN IRISH CASTLE. It was when Lily was married to Klaus and Barry Watson was freshly divorced and taking painkillers for fun. YOLO I guess? Glad to see that Serena’s evolution into Lily won’t completely change her. Everyone is eventually ok with this news since they’ve all basically slept with each other anyways. And also, what is this weird purple dress thing that Serena is wearing? Does it have flowers hanging off it?

And my favorite part of the episode was Georgina’s setting up celebutante interviews for Dan. The best of which was that Dan should date one girl, Natasha because she “is a Coppola and that comes with a certain cache.” Dan doesn’t date any of them. But I really wanted this episode to become an episode of MTV’s Next—Lonely Boy edition. Dan Humphrey likes sad white dude literature, pompadours and has a secret brother! I wouldn’t have fallen asleep during that!

The episode ends with two promising things. Serena deletes her sex tape with Dan, but we learn that Georgina lifted it from Serena’s phone, so that’s going to come out. And Dan goes to Blair’s to ask her if he can stay with her and she says yes. Despite the glimmer of hope that Gossip Girl’s “history has a way of repeating itself” closing line gave me for Blair and Dan, I know these writers and that’s not going to happen.

Things that could be important/Most accurate quote of the episode

  • Bart appears to be making some sort of plan to secretly back The Spectator.

  • After meeting Sage, Lily says to Serena: “How old is she? Wait this is probably my fault that you have a father complex.”

Next week, everyone is at a party!

About the Contributor:

Kerensa Cadenas is a writer living in Los Angeles. She grew up on binge reading Sweet Valley High and watching Saved by the Bell at a very young age. Hence, she is now unable to grow out of this life-long phase. She loves terrible teen television, young adult novels and probably listens to One Direction more than she should. She also enjoys more adult things like margaritas on patios and dance parties. A Marcus Flutie/Nate Archibald man-hybrid remains her ideal.


This post was written by a guest writer or former contributor for Forever Young Adult.